Thursday, December 31, 2009

My year ended the way it began

Yet again my year ends the way it began with a horrible depression. Last year at this time I was out of work again. I was waiting to be placed back at BAE syestems again. So I thought it would be better this time that was so not true. It was worse off. My depression was on a rise I was headed for a major mental breakdown. I had no hope no vision I was litteraly at my end. But thank God for Little Big Town concert at the end of January in Myrtle Beach last year. What did happen then was I faced reality. Stayed up the longest ever over 48 hrs of no sleep and then go into a bar to see Little Big Town. But lets take it back during that day we kept getting lost then running into 3 of the memembers of Little Big Town in the venues restraunt. Which was so God. One of the memembers told me and my friend dont give up. Wow so needed to hear this at that moment because being at your end hearing someone who been there. Then at the end of the show went to the back where buses were and then another memeber came out and told me and a friend that being at the end of yourself is good in a way. But she also said God never gives you more than you can handle wow hit me hard. Then when me and my friend were in the concert these people next to us were so beyond intoxicated and it made me realize that I still had some bitterness and anger towards the bottle because I saw myself in those girls who were drinking. So when me and my friend stoped in wilson for the night I wnever forget that night as it was super bowl sunday well I went to my old church and got out of the car and looked up in the sky and asked God to for help. Then not even 4 to five days later I got a call from a friend either before the trip or just after saying I inspired her and was glad she was my friend. She said shed look forward to talkin when she returned from a vacation. I found out that friday at Celebrate Recovery that my friend had passed away on her cruise of a brain anurism. What big loss for me to know I may have been one of the last people she held a conversation with. Then I had another Little Big Town Concert in DC this time and got to meet them again this time it was at a bar again and where directtly in front as up on the stage you could be. Again one of the memembers during the concert looked at me and asked if i was doing better wooh. I was starting to come around and begginning to find myself again. So during the next couple months working at BAE Systems was full of emotionall and verbal abuse. Those words the two memembers said to me kept me sane during that time and going to more concverts helped that too. But as all this was going on I began to explore the world of twitter again. But not really into to it yet. I had gotten sick in middle of march with a double infection UTI and Sinus Infection that nearly went into Bronchitis. The drug I was given was awful it made me have a horrible anger and depression increased. When I stopped the med I began to have numbness on the left side of my face and horrible migrains due to stress for the most part. I was still going to Celebrate Recovery at that point. Then something happened at work that lead to me getting let go was reaching for HIM big at that point. During the last 2 weeks of work the verses that I clung to were Proverbs 3:5-6 Joshua 1:9 and Phillipians 4:13. Then maybe 2 weeks latter I stoped going to recovery because I felt like I wasnt welcomed in my group anymore. I was sick of being treated like crap and being belittled for having feelings. So thats when I started getting all into twitter. Friends on twitter through JESUS who wont belittle or talk down to you @fallinrain, @buffalopine, @spreadingJoy, @marrangee, @AnastasiaHIS, @AliveinMe, @pastorcarol, mcprodigal, @leslieblueeyes, soundsblue, and LucyAnnMoll. I am so blessed to know these people and greatful for there friendship. To know that I will not be belittle or talked down tonow is so reassuring. When I went down to the beach and thanksgiving with my parents and aunt uncle and cousins I got belittled because I used twitter to reach out to people. Not only that but my parents let everyone rip me to shreds.


So because I got migrains I went to see a neurologist and he gave me a preventative med that helped in ways it helped with my anger and my depression and even though I gained some weight and had not as severe headaches the neurologist took me off of it and put me on another one. The one I am currently on now the one that is not helping at all. Not only is it not helping it is making my depression worse then its been in a while. There are days now when I really could care less if I got up out of bed. I lost me and lost my hope. My Christmas was ok it passed like a blown out candle. One minute or day Im up and doing ok then Im back at bottom. One minute Im crying or tearing up and the next im fine. I know God never give me more than I can handle but I feel like Im far away from GOd like I walked out on HIM. Like all my hope and joy is gone. And this brings me to New Years Eve I was up and doing well then I was really down and have been ever since. Its like Im at bottom and am trying to reach to HIM but I just cannt reach hard enough. Or I just push HIM to the side. I want to work I dont want to be unmployed. Yet when I think about working I think how long will I last before I get let go and will I get verbally and emotionally abused again.
But as the year ended I am thankful I stayed sober another year and have made new friends and that I am important even if I dont think it at the time. Something I learned that GOD is always there and will help me get through whatever I am going through.
God Bless everyone. New Year I think Im ready for a radical change even if it hurts or brings me tomy knees Im ready to HOLD ON and PUT MY TRUST JESUS Alone.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

winter storm 09

video

This one has same song and pictures just added all them together. Enjoy! I finaly am coming out of my horrible depression and am finding my hope and joy again. Praise God for that one. GOd Bless Everyone

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Where Did my Joy or Christmas Spirit go


Look at this photo today we got over a foot of snow. Now me and my family are stuck in our house. Cannot get out the front door. Can only go on the deck and in the grass but cannt leave the yard cause its fenced in... So I feel trapped and no where to go. I like my parents and all but its just not the same.
Today I found out that yet again my brother is blowing all of my parents money. He doesnt even care what it does to my mom. My dad and mom wont do a damn thing about it. Sorry for language im getting anger and frustration out. My brother doesnt give a flying fuck about what he is doing to his family. I had asked my mom if my brother was coming over for Christmas and you know what she said she had no idea. Because my brother doesnt care he runs over everyone evne his girlfriends. And because of how he treats me and my parents Im the one living at home if he screws up Im the one who gets it taken out on. Last christmas my brother stole a $25gift card to target for my parents god daughter and then he went into my room and stole my $50 itunes gift card and what exactly did my parents do absolutely not a damn thing. He borrows money left and right from my parents and when i ask for a few dollars its like fighting tooth and nail. Am I not good enough or wait they dont want to doing anything and baby my brother so then he thinks its ok to spend other peoples money. In 2003 after he graduated highschool he got in an accident and did my parents think to tell me nope. He totaled the car he had one of his friends in the car and was going to fast and hit a pole. I think he was trying to kill himself. But that is just my oppion. Then while we both were on fall break he decided he didnt wanna live so he took a bunch of pills. Then my mom comes in room at 4 am in the morning telling me they have to go to take my broto the hospital. SO when I had my very low days where I didnt wanna wake up I had to hide how dare I feel anything at all how dare I need to go see a counselor or go to specialist like the Gastrologist or Neurologist or Urologist but I went because I was supper sick they didnt believe me that i wasnt feeling well.
I dont know where my joy of the Christmas season went. I dont know if I really have had it. Kinda dampens things when you have to play santa for your dad who wont go out and shop for my mom. And then I have to wrap them myself. I dont like being down like I am. I dont like not having any joy or hope. Im tired of being the tough one in the house acting like everything is all fine and dandy when it so is not. I wish I could get this whole surrendering everything to GOD. I wish I could enjoy this holiday and noot be depressed. Its like I got off Gods band wagon and shut down. Because right now I feel like I am just existing and not really living. I know He didnt leave me and wont ever. But I feel like left Him sitting in a parking lot. I cannt sleep through the night anymore I wake up stiff as a door knob and then am up for bit then go back to sleep then up again. Im getting tired of it. I need sleep because I know it would so help with my moods.
Again I am sorry for the use of curse words.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Honesty on How I feel


Well I started a new medicine that is supposed to help prevent migrains and is an anti depressant. Well the other med I was on before didnt make me feel the way I do only when it was wearing off or I missed taking it. But this one I have lost myself. I feel dead inside. I feel like I feel like my hope has gone on vaction. I feel vacant inside like I shut down and put up walls. I feel lost inside. I've been reading my Bible and praying and yet I still feel so not me. I want to be happy I dont wanna feel this way. Im not sleeping well at all. I think its affecting everything. I know that I'll get through it with GODs help but right now i dont feel so close to HIM. I feel like I ran away from GOD and am in a dark place shut off from everything. I distant myself and disconnect. I know that Christmas is just around the corner and well I just dont have that hope this time around. I really hope I can find me again. So I can have hope again.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

What A mess



Psalm 78:72 He cared for them with a true heart and led them with skillful hands.


Woke up this morning to it snowing and a Peace inside that I have not felt in a very long time. It was like I knew everything is gonna be okay and that I am Loved By God. That I matter. That things will turn around and get better and with GODS help will be able to beat this depression.


Explanation of the picture well this afternoon my boy bailey went under the deck and decided to dig in the dirt and needless to say he got messy. But like a good mommy I went and got him a towel and then gave him a bath. But isn't that like GOD too when we mess up or fall down HE's right there waiting for us. Waiting for us to come inside so HE can make us clean and draw us closer and closer to HIM. We come to GOD with messy faces and lives and baggage and HE picks us up drys us off. He wants us to surrender yet some people like myself has trouble with surrendering because of how I was raised. But I want to surrender to GOD. It just gets mixed up a bit from brain to heart there is disconnect. The verse came to me this afternoon picked my Bible up and just saw this one and was drawn to it. I think that because HE cares so much about us and has every single moment of our life laid out. SO I guess I'm ready to give GOD full control of my life. Cause Hes the only one who knows what is gonna happen with me. I now know I am safe in HIS ARMS.

In His arms I am safe and HE will lead me closer to HIM.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

More Random Facts

Ive been to 12 states PA, WV, VA, NC, SC, TN, DE, NJ, NY, CA, OR, LA
Started drinking in sumer of 01 ended drinking in Summer of 06
My favorite restraunts our Olive Garden, Cheesecake factory, and Cracker Barrel
My favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night
My Favorite Casting Crowns songs would be Stained Glass Masquerade, Does Anybody Hear Her, Love Them Like Jesus, Set Me Free
I played soccer, softball, t- ball, was on swim team, and basketball
My favorite donut is chocolate frosted
My favorite colors Orange, Blue, Purple, and Green
In college I was in FCA
Favorite Books in the Bible Psalms and James
Favorite Author Karen Kingsbury and Francine Rivers
Favorite Verses Joshua 1:9, Phillipians 4:13, Romans 8:28, Psalm 91, Psalm 46:10
Favorite States Ive been to TN, CA, NC
Coolest cities Ive been to Nashville, Los Angelis, Portland, New Orleans, San Diago
Favorite little big town comment God never gives you more then you can handle and Never Give Up.
Favorite State to see Little Big Town PA
Favorite all time song Wind Beneath My Wings Bette Middler
Favorite Childhood song You can Call Me Al and We Didnt start the fire
Roommates in College 6 in 5 yrs
Favorite Worship Songs Trading My Sorrows and Amazing Love
Favorite Jeremy Camp Songs This Man, Walk By Faith, Right Here, Lay Down My Pride
Favorite Matthew West songs Motions, Your Everything, Moment of Truth
Favorite Football Teams Washington Redskins, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Tennesse Titans
Favorite Hotel ive been in Hotel Del Cornado in San Diago
People I want too meet Pat Summit, Cheryl Swoops, Rebbecca Lobbo and Lisa Leslie all childhood heroes looked up to them
Artists Ive met Little Big Town, Matthew West, Toby Mac, Day of Fire, Phil Stacy, American Idols Session 6, Josh Gracin, Jonny Diaz, 33 miles, Trick Pony, Cowboy Troy, Shawna P, Damin Horne.
First Christian CDs I got Building 429 and Sillars Ballad
First time I heard Little Big Town Fanfest 05
First Time met Little Big Town Ebensburgh
First Converstion with Little Big Town Dover Delaware
First place I set the fire alarm off was in hotel in Dover Deleware when the shower steam set it off but me and kim grabed our Bibles pillows bears ipods and car keys we figured the clothes u can replasce we couldnt replace the bibles because they were lbt bibles case signed by them so it goes with us all over the place not a trip without the lbt bible funny thing is its my recoevry bible
First Christian Concert October Fest at Walnut Creek NC
Crazyiest thing I did was go see the Chip and Dale Dancers in 06
Longest Ive gone without sleep 48 hrs
I like Sushi California Rolls from Woollies in on the strip in PA
I like to watch MASH
Favorite HGTV shows would be House Hunters, House hunters international, Property virgins, My first place.
Weirdest Little Big Town encounter / bazzarrest day would be in Daniville VA in 09
In 01 I had my wisdom teeth out that were impacted not only that I had a cyst the removed and not only that on the mend I had a dime sized canquer sore
Scariest trip to see LBT me and kim got lost what a shock but had to do a U-turn and we were double blinded on both sides so she has sun roof so I unbuckled my seat belt and stood on the seat to look out the sunroof so we could safely cross the street

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Letting it Out

Ephesians 2:14 He Himself is our Peace.

These past 2 weeks I have been on a rollercoaster ride of sorts with lost of stuff in my life seeming to crash at one time. Leading me to back to an old habbit. Well it really started sunday night when I walked out on dinner. Which sent my body in to full blown anger mode. I turned on music to try and cool down but it didnt seem to help much cause when I woke up in the AM it was back worse then Sunday night. I went from being supper anxious ready to cry and then angry and not wanting to feel a thing. So in that moment I went back to scratching again. Was so low that I had this look on my face that nothing mattered. Then my friend told me to calm down and turn to God. Bam those words I needed to hear to get out of it. So I then put on worship music and just worshiped. I still cannt cry but I am learning that I have to notjudge myself and that I have to forgive myself. Im so blessed with my friendship with @AliveinMe she has been pointing me to rely fully on GOD. And that is hard for me but I need my life back and if giving HIM everything will get me back to being happy and not down in the dumps. And trust that HE is in control.


On thursday I was told by my parents that I had rolls in my belly. I knew I had them Im well aware of what my tummy looks like and that it has rolls. I didnt need to be reminded of it. Especially in a bad week when I already was depressed hey lets make her more depressed.

I did end up crying last night but only because I was putting myself down. SO I guess it was self bashing last night.

I also have been fighting headaches off and on this week. Slept alot yesterday.

I had a meeting with the Department of Rehabilitation and they said that my case was delayed cause they didnt have the right paperwork filed and that I basically fell through the cracks. SO my mom and my Aunt who is a social worker went with me and they now are proceeding with everything. All I have to do is sign paperwork and wait for appoinments. Plus will file for Social Security again. My parents filed when I was little now we are gonna try again. Since I will be starting work as part time.


Also In talking with @AliveinMe or Hetty I have been able to share things from my past that I assumed to keep to myself. Yet GOD knew all about so really I was just hiding it from myself so I wouldnt get hurt all over again. Yet I have been carrying it for so long that I was doing more harm to myself by not letting go. And now that I think about it letting go is the best thing it takes the weight off my shoulders. So I can turn to HIM and give GOD my everything. Not just parts here and parts there all of me.

But God got me through and I still sober and He is still GOD. I just have to remind myself Im never alone even if I feel like it sometimes there are others out there too. SO Im gonna take last week and give it to HIM.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Things are a changing














Isaiah 264 "Trust in the Lord always for the Lord God is the eternal Rock"

Things are changing for me. Who would have guess that a few months ago I would be able to stand in front of 100 or more people and give a tost to my best friend Shannon and her husband at her wedding and not wig out. Ya I was nerveous but I had God with me and holding me. It wasnt as bad the biggest thing was my mom was making it worse by saying you dont have to give it . I felt lead to that it was a stepping stone for what is to come in my life. I have to admit I was scared of what my future may hold with work and my calling. But now I know that whatever happens I have God on my side and with Him anything is possible. Just recently my friend and I started a new twitter account for addiction (@fillmyvoid). It was created so people who had any addiction who conquered it whose struggling with it. To talk it out. Its also a way for me to reach out to others who currently struggle or have struggled with addictions. This was brought up because someone I knew from my celebrate recovery group said that I shouldnt pick up a chip because I have not gone to any meetings and not working on my own recovery. I personnaly dont think working the 12 steps is for me. I have learned by trial and error. In the past I reach out to others before reaching out to God. But my friend @AliveinMe is helping me to reach out to God first then to others. I am so blessed to know her. I was recently put on a waiting list for the Department of Rehabilitation. I thought this was just another screw Katie out of the help and services needed to make me successful and thrive. But in fact it might not be the case. My moms friend from college said to my mom she would come with us to the meeting she is a liscensed social worker so it will help shake them up. Its all in Gods timing I might not be ready for what He has me doing next so He is preparing me right now to do His will. Its all in His timing. I just need to have patience. I have to be willing and open to change regardless of how scary it might be. I need to remember that God is first and everything else is second. If He is first and infront of me then I have nothing to fear easy said then done but i will try. Something else I may not got to meetings for my Alcohol problem but I am reaching out to many others who if I had not gotten back into twitter I would not have met awesome people all over the place. I do not like to be forced into something ike joining a step group or changing groups all together. I am a person too with real issues and real problems. I guess some people dont think that and so they are missing out on getting hugs and smiles from me. God closed that door for good the other day when I recieved that email. I dont need to feel like Im trash in a safe place. I dont need to be treated like a kid and have to act as if everything is fine and dandy and play it up. Because that is not me any more Im tired of this pretending was me long ago not me anymore.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

video

Here is the speech I did for my best friends wedding. We have been friends since first grade so about 20 yrs. We have been through a lot together. we have been there for each other when family members died. When her youngest brother was born and at his baptism. When I would spend the night her mom read us the bible and then we all prayed together and said the rosary. Her family is like my second family. Her brothers looked at me like I was their second sister. seeing her with that white dress with her dad walking down the isle I had tears in my eyes.

Friday, October 16, 2009

testimony continued











October 29th 2005 a day that I will never forget. A day when a little piece of my heart died. A day when I lost my beloved dog Mattie. It was two days before halloween when I got the call from my mom saying we put Mattie to sleep because she was siezing and her little heart was failing. I was 200 miles away from home in my second to last semester at college. All I could think was I wanna be home with my family grieving. Me and my dad said if she was suffering that we will put her down so she wouldnt be in pain. My teachers were understanding that I needed time to grieve. But I was litteraly falling apart inside. My whole world as I knew it was crashing right before my eyes. The sad thing is when I needed distraction no one was there I was in a room by myself. Only me and God in that room that day I got the phone call all i could think of is I lost my best friend who always when I came home from school had the biggest tail wag and on those days when I had a bad day she was there right by my side. But God was there in that room that day. When I had no one to talk to no one to hug. When everyone had plans that didnt include me He was there. Lots of things crossed my mind being alone in that room. Like how it would be easy to go back into self injuring myself taking extra headache medicine. On the 30th a friend took me to the mall in Raliegh and I made a build a bear in memory of my dog. But changed it to Matthew James instead of Matilda aka MATTIE. I had to get out or I would do something I would have regreted. Thank God on Halloween the church I went to had a party of sorts that I served at so I was distracted for a bit though I was vacant. It was like death had swallowed me whole. Everyone in FCA told me to move on and deal with it. Ok my thought was they didnt just lose a dog that they grew up with and find out about over the phone not being able to be comforted by your family. Yes I still went to church every weekend and even to the midweek service. But I was vacant just going through the motions. Till one night in november when a women in church who took me under her wing and got me to church on sundays and a friend from FCA. Came up to me after church basically telling me "Katie you have two choices you can either live or die" Well choose to live. I basically needed GOD to come and slap me in the face saying look what ur doing to yourself. So from November till New Years I became sober. Life at home was hard with out Mattie. Thanksgiving and Christmas that year had been tough. I thank God that I wasnt home for that long period. I had been searching online for dogs because home had not been the same. Told my mom if they wanted me home after college we needed dogs. So my mom tells my dad we are getting a dog actually 2 brother and sister. They arrived home when I came home for Easter. My mom went to pick them up. God was there through it all in the darkest times He was there. When I wanted to give up on myself He was there not giving up on me. I know that because I had God in my life I was able to get through it. I praise God for that because I never wanna be that low again where I have a choice of living or dying. I do remember having on my computer screen these words "What would you do if you knew you couldnt fail" and "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." God took a big stick and wacked me with it to get me back on my feet.

During my time off from school for Christmas break me and a friend go to Nashville TN for a concert and to get away well those months being sober ending real quick. We went on a tour that ended in bar that you got free alcohol so I get a drink and finish it quickly then my friend had the same one but she didnt like it so I finished hers. Then from that day till mid June I went crazy with drinking and rebelled.
At this time my friends or who I thought were friends began to tell lies about the pastor of the church I went to so I really didnt go to church that much during this time because there was big divison and well I began to feel out of place. So I stoped going to FCA and needless to say a group from another church had been started for people my age and older so that was so a GOD thing. I was inluded in stuff

So its my last semester in school and I have my internship and well I have sex with a guy who was alot older then me I was 24 he was 40. Ok yes alcohol was involved. He would call me on his way home from work at like 1 Am then come by the dorm pick me up and we'd go back to his place and have sex then around 4 or 5 hed drop me off and I sneak back up to my room and sleep for a bit then get up the next day mind you I lived on a alcohol free floor. S I had to do the old 1.2.3. sober and walk in the door and hope no one was in the lobby and that they wouldnt ask questions. So this went on awhile. Till I screw up my internship by putting my hand on one of the kids cause the kid had one of those black boots on u get when u mess up ur foot. I was going for the basketball and he was on a swing and his boot hit my head and out of shock I gently put my hand on his shoulder and he goes and tells his mom on me and I nearly lose my internship but because of Gods grace I was able to stay and help organize files in a building that had black mold growing in it. So I was getting more headaches then normal and also getting UTIs alot.

So heres more as the year progressed an old roomate of mine had ticketts to see the Chip and Dales dancers at a strip club in Raligh. So I go and i get plastered forgeting that I have to be up early for basketball scorekeeping. Ya I had a hangover could hardley make it through the first game.

Ok so I tell my friend from FCA that id be at the senior banquette but I never showed up because my the people in my major went to dinner and I had been drinking i didnt go because I had a headache from drinking and they came to my room and give me the gift and I couldnt even look them in the face because I was ashamed of what I had become.

So then the wednesday before for graduation i get a call from the acdemic office or whatever saying I wouldnt be able to get my diploma I could walk with the class but no diploma. The words I so didnt want to hear again my world as knew feel to the ground all hope I had gone all I had worked for gone or so I thought. I would have to go to summer school and make up 2 classes no big deal.

SO its Graduation sunday and my church that week held a Womens Conference and one of the women who lead Maria Durso prayed over me that all alcohol addiction would be no more that I would be completely healed and delievred from it. Leaving that church I saw everyone in white robes as I walked out the doors that day like this door is shut for good.

So I go home and go to LA for my graduation present and my cousins baby shower and I still am drinking. I come back and celbrate my birthday with a friend and get plastered to the point of throwing up. Well my friend was sleeping downstairs and i was up in her bathroom clinging to the toilet never had I been this sick. I was miserable then a women who i talked about earlier gave me another utlimatium I could either stop talking with her all together or I could stop drinking and get my life together so I choose get sober. I got on my knees and asked GOD to take it away completely because I was headed in a bad direction if HE didnt intervene on my behalf. So later on I find out after endoscopy I had GERD which if I continued to drink I would need serious surgery to replace the flap that stops stuff from going in my lungs. SO there you have it my way out. And when I did get tempted in the beggining HE would ever so slightly remind me of lasast time drinking and about it could cause me to have surgery.

Through it all God was there through my rebellion and HE provided ways out. Now its 09 and have a little ovver 3 years of sobriety all thanks to JESUS. He never never gave up on me when I so gave up on myself. He was there waiting for me to come to my senses.

These two songs I really clung to the lyrics and message behind them during this time.
"You never give up on me, No, You never give up on me, Though Im weak You are strong, You told me I still belong, No, You never give up on me." Never Give Up on ME: Josh Bates"

"We live we love, We forgive and never give up, Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above, Today we remember to live and to love."We Live: Supperchick
Some more songs that I clung to through it Casting Crowns Stain Glass Masquerade, Does Anyone Here Her, Love them like JESUS, Praise You in this Storm, Lifesong and Set Me Free this is the was the song that was playing in car ride home from church the day I decided I wanted to live.


I heard this one at my first Casting Crowns concert about her friend who commited suicide and it hit me that He will find me no matter how far I have gone away and hide Hes there
Hold On Nichole Nordeman
It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's endIt will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledgeSo baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day
So hold on Love will find you Hold on He's right behind you now Just turn around And love will find you
It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bedSo baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner?To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it

Thursday, October 15, 2009

WHY


Why is so hard for me to cry. Why do I hold back when its safe to share. When I wont be judged for what I have to say. I shouldnt be scared that Id be hurt. But I guess because of being hurt in the past for speakin up and sharing that holding back nowis a second nature. Yet I act like nothing is wrong yet it is. Because it is so much easier for me to stuff and stuff till the suit case is to heavy to carry. Not good cause when you know you have to let go and trust but still you hold back. I know that if just let it out and not hold back that I would feel better. Why do I hold back from tears. Why do I hold back or pull back from speaking whats on my mind when talking with Hetty @AliveinMe yet talking with her is safe yet in my mind I pull back when tears are close I put up that wall inside as a coping recation. Guess thats why letting go is hard for me to do. I know that there are people out that will not put me down will not turn on me and tell me off. They are all around I just have to be willing to reach out and not be scared of being hurt.
I even sometime hold back from God yet He never holds back from me. He is always there opened armed opened ear. Waiting for me to talk to Him.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Worth it


Is life worth it. Is giving up something you wanted to someone else worth it. Is being sober worth it. Is trusting worth it. Is loving others worth it. AM I worth it. Is faith worth it. Is family worth it. Is troubles and struggles and pain worth. Is hoping worth it. Is praying worth it. Is having Faith in Jesus CHRIST worth it. Yes it is.

Because if we didnt have struggles pain and trials then we wouldnt be a vessel to help others who have similar struggles. In our trial struggles and pains God is right there with us waiting for us to call to HIM. Ready for us to share what He has done for us. Teaching us how to love others and ourselves. Teaching us about forgiving others who have hurt us.

I know right now todya that GOD is my LORD AND SAVIOR. He will get me through my trials no matter what. No matter how far away I am from Him HE is still there. I need to put my total trust in HIM. HE needs to be the center of my attention. No matter what I do He still loves me.

Is going to see Little Big Town worth it when you know you are running on no money. Is it worth all the tiny things that go wrong. Is it worth all the unneeded stress. Is it worth the waiting. Is it worth being stuck on the toilet all night from nerves and stess. Is it worth the butterflies in your stomach. Is it worth staying up over 48 hrs cause you dont want to miss the show. Is it worth being outside in the cold to see them perform worth it. Is it worth being wet and losing a flip flop in the mud at a fair and walking on gros ground with no shoes on. Is barely functioning on little sleep worth it.
Yes it is even if the tiny things go wrong knowing there are four people who so willing to treat you with respect like your part of their faimly they greet you with a big smile and open arms. Whose goal is to make music that will help you forget for the time u are at there concert. they go out of there way to try to make you laugh or smile. And through everything they show Gods love for all. They can be ironic in trial times.

I wanna shout out to some people who are my friends on twitter.
Hetty (@AliveinMe) and Marie (@spreadingjoy) thank you for being so encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for being so opened armed and willing to see the real me. Thank you for not turning on me and puting me down.

Kim (@Fallinrain) thanks for your friendship for the past 11yrs been a great ride.
Thank you to all the people who follow my blog I feel all special now. :)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

whatever

I always seem to bug people or annoy them. I try not to. Maybe it is in my head. I try to relax a really do but cannt . I get so worked up over nothing dont wanna be bug to my friend whose drive today would not be the best way to start a trip.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Girl


The Girl
Who is this girl? What are people going to think of her when they find out who she really is? She was so innocent with her smile. Deep down inside she was scared and afraid of what people might think when the found out she was different from everyone else.She would barley speak.She was tormented by her friends.She had one friend who taught her how to play nicely. You see no one knew the thoughts that were floating in her head.Her parents had no idea what was going on with her.She sits in her room at wishing someone would want invite her to their house.The phone never rang. She’d hear something about the parties and would be hurt and disappointed because no one wanted to be around someone different. They’d give her excuses and lies that later she began to use to protect her from being hurt. She would hide under that smile pretending that everything was ok when it really wasn’t.She knew how to hide she knew how to lie. So began her life behind the mask.She began making excuses why she wouldn’t eat.No one knew the tormenting thoughts she was thinking.Then people began to laugh and make jokes about her.She needed to do something.She began to take on the role of fighting and granny lady. She found a stick and used it as a cane.What would they say now? They had to notice her. So she thought.People did begin to notice her and would talk to her. They still didn’t invite her over to their houses.They had to be nice to her because she would tell on them or hurt them.She was a girl with so many problems and had no one to help her fix them. She played sports just to fit in with the rest of the kids. She used the sports as a way to meet people. She thinks to herself if I’m an athlete then someone has to like me.She found a sport that she liked.She began to use the sport as a way to get out pent up frustrations and anger. She began to have dreams that were so big.Those dreams in the end would die.She always had big dreams that ended up dying.She loved the game so much that when she couldn’t play in high school she was devastated. She asked if she could manage the team instead. She had to be part of the game to survive. She was a nobody with out the game. She gained respect from her peers because of her devotion to the game. She Knew this would get her in with different people. She found something to keep her mind at rest or so she thought.She had something to look forward to. The other escape for her was her dog Mattie. She loved her so much. When she wasn’t playing the sport she was with her dog.When she was away from her dog her heart would ache. What would people say? What would people think of her? How will she go on. How would she react to these people in her new school?Why is everything so hard for this little girl?She was sexually abused by two people she thought were her friends. One happened to be her next door neighbor. She felt like trash. She felt defiled. How could she even tell someone about what happened to her? She didn’t know it was wrong or even rape. How could she know she was a kid in a big girl’s body. She felt dirty and still does knowing she can never get her innocence backCan’t anyone see how she is suffering inside. Of course not she hides it pretty well with that smile of hers. Don’t they know the tormenting thoughts that are running through her head. Oh boy does she have everyone fooled by her fake smile and all those masks she wears. She needed to bring the pain within outward. She needed something to cope.Her relationship with her best friend changed. She was not allowed to spend the night her house anymore.What’s she gonna do now ? How is she gonna deal with it? She stuffs it down inside because processing it would do more harm. Now she had no one to talk to or hang out with. She was all alone again.She had no way out of the tormenting thoughts and the guilt.She was a girl with many problems and no way to deal with them.She felt so alone and hid in her room to get away from everything.She needed to be loved.She needed to be accepted.Her mom was never home. Her dad stayed at home while her mom worked. When her mom came home she would have a glass of wine which back then she had no idea how that would effect her. She had to ask for hugs from her parents. She was never told by her parents that they loved her. Their way was taking her to appointments and taking her to sporting events.She was spiraling downward to a breakdown.She is afraid of making mistakes cause her dad would get mad at her.She wasn’t allowed to cry because only weak people cry or so she was told by her parents. She stuffed and stuffed till she couldn’t stuff anymore.She was a frail little girl with big problems and no way to get to the bottom of the problems. She needed to be accepted by her friends and parents.She had a lot of time alone to think about her problems. She was very shy and had no confidence in her abilities or herself.She was on the outside looking in.She made herself into what people wanted so she could fit in.How were they to know she was just pretending? She wore so many masks to hide the pain. She tried to reach out for help but her parents told you don’t needed to be tough and strong. No one wanted to deal with her not even her parents.Look at her all innocent no one has any idea what she has been through.She looked in the mirror and didn’t like what she saw. All those times of stuffing would end up hunting her.When she went to college her life would be turned upside down and twisted in many directions and its miracle she’s still around?She would end up starting to drink and get high to numb the pain from years of hurt.She was so numb from the pain that she had to do something. Most people in college don’t go through 7 roommate’s in6 years. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most peoples college roommates don’t end up having a asthma attack while in the room their freshman year and have wait for EMS to arrive while trying not to have a complete meltdown. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college dogs don’t die when they are away and are told to just deal with it. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most college people don’t have siblings that have to go to the mental hospital due to not wanting to live. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t wake up and have an out of body experience. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t get so drunk that their body is on fire and they can hardly move and are placed in bed with their friends and find that their friend and boyfriend were having sex while she was in the bed. Wait yes it did it happened to her. The girl used alcohol in college to mask all the pain. She had nothing to look forward to or live for until her friend Kim showed told her about Little Big Town and once she heard them in concert she fell in love with the music and now had something to look forward to. She would end up giving her life to God the day she graduated from college. She also ended a long battle with alcohol and has been sober ever since.

unknown

My bigest fear to start looking for a job now is being verbally abused by coworkers or a boss. Its not an easy thing to move on from. I try not to let it get to me but I can only fake the smile and pretend for so long before I break. I need to begin to let God help me to let go of the things that happened to me at my job. I know what people are gonna say its not your fault and just let go but its complicated. I need to stop wanting to fix it myself but that's all part of an ADD person if you screw up you want to make it right yourself. And if you can't get it right you feel miserable and think your worthless and don't deserve anything at all. Growing up with ADHD I had to make sure things were in order and if I screwed up Id get blamed for it and then feel awful. When your a girl and your different from all the other kids it really does have an affect on you. Trusting people and God is a big problem for me. Because if you were hurt by the people who you thought were your friends not Kim but others then its kind of hard to trust God. Ya but Hes always there waiting for me to come to my senses. People also tell me to be a victor not a victim I'm trying not to be a victim. When you need to feel loved and accepted t sometimes never come by your parents. So when your around people who have that love and accept you you want to hold onto it because it feels safe. And that feeling only last for a little while then you go back to the way things were and that's not so safe. Being around Karen Jimi Kimberly and Phillip make you feel loved, safe and accepted. If you don't feel loved at home or have love for yourself how are you supposed to feel Gods love.Its hard to rely totally on Him when you had to rely on yourself for so long. But I won't give up because I'm not a quitter.

Random facts about me

My real name is Kathleen Elizabeth.
Dont like being called Kathleen at all. I go by Katie
I am a grateful Believer in Jesus Christ.I am a recovering alcoholic.
I stayed back in Kindergarden .
I sleep with my baby blanket and a bear named Freddy James I made in college during a rough 2003.
I used to sleep with another bear named jimi but in charllotesville VA he got bear napped.
I have two best friends Shannon W. and Kim.
Ive Known Kim almost 11 years
Ive known shannon since 2nd grade
My first dog Mattie died when I was away at college my 1st semester of my senoir year.
I have three dogs Teddy Thumper and Bailey.
I call them the west virginia family. Teddy and thumper are brother and sister and Baileys their baby.I go to Church of the Redeemer.
I love going on trips to see Little Big Town with Kim. Ive seen Little Big Town 36 times in a little over 3 years. In 10 months just this year alone I have seen Little Big Town 11 times
My all time favorite movie is Beaches.
My current favorite movies would be Facing the Giants Fireproof Flywheel.
My favorite tv shows growing up would be Touched by an Angel and Welcome to Pooh Corner.
My current favorite tv shows NCIS, Greys Antomy, and Extreme House Makeover Sue FBEYE Psych, Leverage, Closer, Royal Pains HGTV.
Favorite Little Big Town Songs: Love Profound, Evangeline, Vapor, Bring it on Home, Stay, Lost, Bones, Only What You Make of It and Im with the Band Life Rolls On.
Favorite Christian bands or artists TobyMac, Casting Crowns, Jeremy Camp, Matthew West Chris and Conrad, Julian Drive, natalie Grant, and Jars of Clay.
Favorite Little Big Town femal memember Kimberly sorry Karen you got the boot.Favorite Little Big Town guy memember would be Phillip sorry Jimi you havent stepped up your game yet.
I used to manage my high school girls basketball teams fresmen jv and varsity.
I have some cool friends kim and shannon. Sue, Lauren its weird how God places people in your life when you need them i'll never forget what you did for me, Mary Anne, Michelle.
Hetty and Marie Im so blessed God connected us He works in marvelus ways.
When I first entered barton College I majored in Sports Management then changed to Undecided before settling with Criminal Justice and Criminology.
I like Ledos Pizza.
The longest Ive been up was 48 hours due to a project for a memeber of Little Big Town and then not wanting to miss said concert.
In Highschool I went by kdogg.
In college people called me crazykatie cause id walk run down the halls act wild.
In my Sophmore year of college I broke my tailbone and chipped part of the bone too.
SO embaracing goin to class with a blue donout pillow.
To this day I still have pains from it.
When I went to Girl Scott Camp I got stung by a bee on my top lip.
I love MCDonalds sweet tea
I love starbucks fraps and lattes
I collect shot glasses from states I visted or just cause they look cool.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Brief Testimony from College

Ok so let me first start off by telling about my past. During my freshman year of college I did the whole getting drunk and high thing. I would pretend to be someone who I wasn’t I would hide my feelings from people and God. So on Wednesday nights I would go with my so called friends to the club and before Id even get there my friends and I at the time got tipsy and got high. So I would have a good time. I would dance and get up on guys and they would egg me on. Ok know this incident happened second semester my freshman year. It’s the middle of night and I’m sleeping and I hear my second roommate began having trouble breathing at the time she told me to go get my friends so they could be in there with her. So I go and get them and then go and went down to meet the paramedics but the scary thing was that I don’t even remember touching the steps. When the paramedics came I started to shake in the corner of my room away people. When I went down the steps it was as if this force was with me. At that time I did not believe in God I knew He existed I would go to church but just go through the motions. Then my sophomore year was the same I’d go out and get drunk and high but this time it was with a different group of people. So this was the year of the Sniper in Dc. I was freaked out about that because I lived near those places that people got killed. During the first semester of my sophomore year I had gone over to my x friend’s boyfriend’s house to hang out. Well I had a little too much to drink and was a little high. Ok lets begin with this it was a Saturday night and we are both Catholic so we went to church. So as the night progressed it was assumed that I would stay the night with my friend and her boyfriend. But that did not happen because a man who we did not know came into the room asking to use the phone well on the phone the guy said he had a gun so I began to freak out and began to say the Our Father the Glory Be and the Guardian Angel prayer, because I was scared for my life. So the next thing that happened was that my x friends boyfriend and his friend didn’t want this guy in the house so they started fighting once the fight began I curled up in a ball next to my x friend and she comforted me. Well as the fight was going on I blacked out it was like some force was protecting me from harm. And now I realize that it was God holding me and protecting me. At the time I was just scared and did not believe that God is a protector. When I was in that black out my mind went to another place my body was in the room but my spirit wasn’t. The next thing that happened to me that year was that I went to a party and well at this party I got totally messed up. I had two bottles of Boone’s farm and a sip of sky blue and a shot of tequila and I smoked some pot as well. Well by 10 at night I began to feel horrible I could not move any of my body. I felt like I was on fire my so called friends had to help me to the bed and to the bathroom. I couldn’t speak so I was mumbling things I thought I was going to die. But the Lord was with me even though I didn’t notice He was there. Ok well the next day I went back to my dorm and well I felt horrible still. My x friend told me she didn’t want to be around me and needed her space. Well then my two other friends came in my room to check up on me. They told me that I did not have to drink in order to fit in. It felt good to know that. But I still didn’t believe it I still thought I had to prove myself to people in order to fit in. I was just seeking attention. But that just got me in trouble. My x friend told me one night when I was in her room that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. That hurt so much it tore a piece out of my heart. But then I went to my friend’s room and told them what happened and they comforted me. This thing was just another fork in the road but it made me depressed. One of my friends told me about FCA and said I should go and I went and had a good time. At first it was strange seeing all the people worship God. I was surprised to see all those people who loved God. Well there is still more that happened that year. Well so I thought I had learned my lesson before with getting to close to a friend well I didn’t. She left school for personal reasons but when she left another part of my heart was ripped out. When she left I began to hate life I wanted give up on it. So I began to put myself down and close my soul and began be supper negative. Ok know this is the summer of my junior year and I had to go to summer school. I was not too happy. Well when your brother has graduation on your birthday and then the next day you have to go to summer school you wouldn’t be happy either. So I decided since it was my 21st birthday I decided to get a 24 pack of Smirnoff the first two weeks I went threw a whole box. Then I went back and got another 24 pack but this time I didn’t finish it off. Well this is so weird. I was sleeping one night and all the sudden I had an out of body experience and I was floating around the room and I saw all the empty bottles of beer. And I think that God was telling me something but I didn’t listen. Well the reason I came back to my body was that I whispered His name and told Him I needed Him in my life. Then a few days passed and got this feeling that I should pour the beer down the drain so I did that. In the beginning of my junior year I went back to drinking and getting high. I still hadn’t figured out why I drank. My thinking at that time was that since FCA hadn’t started then it was ok to drink and get high. But that wasn’t a good enough reason. So once FCA started I got to meet some awesome people who helped me see things differently. I meet someone who had an impact on my life. In February of that year I went to an FCA retreat and I gave my life to God. Well sort of because I was still going to restaurants and drinking. I still pretended to be someone who I wasn’t. Ok so its spring break of that year and well I was over at my friends house and we went to CVS to pick up some medication for her and she told me that she was having a panic attack and I began to think of what to do I told her to finish paying for the items and gave her some chocolate that I had. All I could think of at the time was how can I get her mind off of this. So I told her to hold on to the cart and I helped her. I didn’t like seeing her like that. I just stood with her till she was able to go home. I stayed with her that night and I let her cry on my shoulder. Her mom was to busy to even care about help her. So the next day I was coming off the adrenalin rush from the day before I had no one to talk to and was worried about her and so I went and emailed and old friend. The friend had a hard time accepting the fact that I had told this person so we stopped being friends. It hurt a lot because we had been friends since high school. Then this friend from FCA told me that I did not have to pretend to be some on who I wasn’t. She said for me to stop putting myself down. I didn’t think anyone noticed that. She helped to look in the mirror and say that I’m smart and that God loves me. I didn’t see that before. But I still struggled with my self image. My faith was put to the test when my roommate that year told me she didn’t need me. When I heard that my heart felt like it was ripped apart. I felt so helpless. I then started praying to God for help and He gave me the words I needed. He told me to tell her about HIM and I did and it felt awesome. Ok know this is summer of my 4th year at college and well I was heavily into drinking I would buy a six pack of Smirnoff and go through it in like 2 weeks. I would drink at night. I still had no idea why I drank. At the beach I would drink and I would feel good. But what I didn’t realize was that something was missing and I was getting sucked into a hole. At the end of the summer I decided that I would stop drinking after my friends nephews baptism. That weekend I had drunk a two 6 packs of beer. On the actual day of the baptism I had drunk a whole 6 pack within like a 3 hour period. My thinking was that if I’m going to stop then why not have as much as I can. I was a bad sight. I was being bossy to my friend. I was not thinking at all. I decided that night that I was going to stop drinking. So when I got back to my house I went to my room and I prayed to God and I gave the alcohol problem to God. I told Him I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. I was at peace for once. I then began to think of why I drank and then it hit me I drank because I hated myself and hated who I was. God has given me the strength to avoid drinking. Ok it’s two weeks into my 4th year at college and I was still doubting myself. I hated school things were falling apart I was becoming seriously depressed. I had no hope, and felt trapped. I could not see the light. I began to cut myself off from my friends. I hid from the world and from God. I was hurting so bad inside that decided I needed to release it somehow. I found a lighter that I had and let it got hot enough and press it down on my skin till it left a mark and I have two scares from it. After that happened I decided I needed help so I found a therapist to talk to and she is helping me through it. I told my friends about it and they told me that I need to put my trust in the Lord and ever since I have changed. The Lord changed my heart. I now am not afraid to give God my all. That weekend I went to the House Party Concert and it changed my life. I met some awesome people that day. I began to see that God alone is in control and I needed to trust Him. After that I changed churches I had been going to a Catholic Church and then began to go to New Beginnings and my life was changed. I haven’t touched alcohol in almost 4 months. God has changed my heart.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Im with the Band

video


3 years worth of meet and greet pictures and pictures from the concert. Some of the concert pictures were takin by Kim. Its been a great journey of fun and sometimes very stressful but oh so worth it in the end. Nothing like a Little Big Town high. And nothing like another LBT Moment where God shows off.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dance like there is no tomorrow

video

Colosians 3:23 Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically as something done for the Lord and not for me.
Sometimes when life gets tough you just gotta have some fun and dance. Dance your your way through the emotions you feel. You may look silly you may look like you lost your bloomin mind but your having fun and thats the best part. So if you want to dance down the isles of stores go for it cause you only live once. I enjoy makin a fool of myself dancin cause it i can just laugh and act silly. I guess I dance cause it gets pent up frustration and anxiety out and I can just have fun.

Coming home from work or being out of town and having the dogs greet me. Getting kisses from the dogs.Giving people hugs and making there days better. Spending time with the people that matter in my life. That bailey loves to snuggle with me. Holding bailey like a baby and having him fall a sleep in my arms. Watching The dogs play with each othe watching the dogs give each othet kisses. Taalking with the people that matter. Watching the dogs sleep. The best things in life are spending time with your friends. Going to concerts with your friends and meeting the band. Getting to spend time with the band. Getting nearly killed going to see the band. Being noticed by little big town and then having them diirect their attention towards you almost like they are singing the song just for you and making sure your ok. Three words I never want to hear by little big town raise your right hand. Another thing don't want to be followed by little big town while driving its very hazard us. They make you feel welcome and like yor worth more then you think. they always have the right things to say

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The beach

So apparently this year will be the 23rd year when the Hartnetts Kirwans and Aunes get togther for the anual beach trip. Ok so 4 me its only like 19 because of summer school fell during beach weeks. 4 familys in one house yikes. 4 kids under 6 tripple yikes. But thats ok. Its kool I guess. It does get hard in hte evenings watching everyone drink their beers and wine. And then I have to be careful what I say when they drink. But Ive learned to stay clear of them. We're having crabs saturday night so that should be interesting. But I know this God will be first this weekend. Thats the only way ill make it through next week.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Little Big Town Concert


Im in Awe of how Big God is. ANd how giving up a meet and greet to Kim would lead me to help a girl named katie who really wanted to meet them but didnt get a meet and greet. So when LBT handed me the paper they signed I saw they werote my name on it and Kim had gotten somethin signed 4 me so when I saw the girl walk by i knew i had to give it to her. SO I found her and gave her it and her mom gave me a hug and thanked me. I knew it was the right thing to do.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Stuff

How do we stuff and stuff then wonder where, why, when and how we got to this place in our life. When did things really start to feel out of control. Was it because I felt awful about walking out of a friendship. Was it because I was belittled by bosses coeworkes and friends. Was it because my home life isnt great. Did it begin in college dorms when I was numbing out. Was it when I was at home on fall break and my rushed in my room and told me she would be back. Or is it the fact that I was begginning to give up on me and my ability to work and keep a job and to preform my dutties effectively. Was I giving upon myself because I didnt think I was capable of completing a task that was givin to me in a timely manner. Was I was giving up on myself because i felt like dirt.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Little Big Town


So next week I go away to VA to see my favorite band Little Big Town. So very excited about this trip its been 2 months since Ive last time Ive seen them. Its wierd cause 3yrs ago I would never have thought about the whole following a band around. But now its like if they are anywhere close meaning at least 8hrs a way I go. I would have never expected to go on a wild ride. To put it blunt God has been a part of this in big ways. I would have never expected that me Katie would love the rush I get at the concert and how I just go to another place in my mind where I forget how bad my head hurts or that theres was little things that went wrong and just deisappear. I call it the Land of Little Big Town. God just pulls all stops whether at the concert at a meet and greet before the shows after the shows. God always makes Himself known at the shows. Even if I try to shake it off. My shirt says Im One Of Them and on the back it say LBT DORK. I have seen them about 33 times in 3 years. I dont know where I would be if they didnt come into my life.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Home

Home is supposed to be a safe place. A place where you feel confortable and where you dont have to be afaid.
Well I have 3 yrs of sobriety and am currently living at home with my alcoholic parents. Wait red flag. You heard me live in alcoholic and sober. You ask how can I get by. I get by only with Gods help. it is very tough to see the people you love wasting away and you judt want to shake them and say look what your doing not only are you hurting yourself your hurting the people that love you. You say how can you deal with it. I suck it up and take it cause I have to. I stuff it inside and hope that the pain will go away. Sometimes I even blame myself for my moms drinkin but then I change my thinkin. You think how am I still sober I remind myself of how I was when I wasnt and then Praise God for my sobriety. Its bad when they pick on me when they drink. You say Im strong maybe but I have to be inorder to survive at home. You say why dont I move out. Its way to expensive in MD to live in an appartment. So I deal with it because I have to. But God gets me through it and Im glad I have Him in my life now.

Friday, June 26, 2009

just thoughts

When things get bad where do you run. Do you run a way from the problem or do hold you ground and fight with all you got. Do you run to God. Or are you like me and stuff problems down till you cannt stuff anymore. Do you act all tough like it doesnt bug you at all. When in reality it hurts so much that you just want the pain to be gone. do you run to the bottle for confort and support.

God wants us to run to Him at all times in the good and bad and in between. He wants us to let our guards down and begin to trust Him. He wont fight back. He wont put you down or make you feel awful. He will love you no matter what you did or didnt do.

At one period in my life I did not love myself. I would not look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. But then once I had accepted God in my life and really understood that He loves me was slowly able to look at myself in the mirror and not think I was dirt. But I began to say God loves me Katie and for awhile I believed it then stuff happened and pushed God to the side but He never stopped loving me. So I guess I dont need to act tough and just let God work in me and through me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Heart Check

Ok so this mightt sound odd but does your room or rooms in your house or desk messy? Well I was think that my room is a war zone. It looks like a bomb exploded. But I was thinking about this that when my life seems out of control and I want to control something so I let everything pile up. Like stuffing my problems in a sense. Because I stuff and stuff till I cannt stuff no more then explode or comin to my end in a sense. So does that mean your heart isnt right or does that mean you need God to control your life and let go and clean up. But where to start when your room or heart is so stuffed that letting go is difficult. You try to take out the trash but then once the trash is gone what next. DO you go back to how it once was or do you continue hoping as you clean up thinngs will be easier. Maybe I want my room to be a mess because inside Im a mess. But the cool thing is I got God on my side to help me begin to let the trash out of my life. Maybe then I can begin to clean the clutter in my room and throw away stuff that I dont need. The thing is people like order and in an odd way my room being a mess gives me order in my life odd but true. But God has Saved me from myself so Im gonna move on and start to get the help I need so I can get on with my life and really live. OKAY Here I GO IM READY LORD TAkE CONTROL.

Unknown

So for some reason today I really am getting a little bit depressed about my money running out in a month or two maybe longer then I think. I think it scares me to even begin to look for work because of how I was treated at past jobs and the fact that I havent held a job for more then a couple months or even weeks at a time. I am always afraid of screwin up and then getting talked to the boss. Oh wait did I mention the emotional verbal abuse that I fear might happen again. Or the thought of being laughed at for my work habbits. I try to hide the fact that I have ADHD because I dont want to be treated differently. I dont want to settle for a job because I need the money or because the health benifits are good and sound too good to be true. When i make a mistake at work you know whatruns through my mind your worthless, you cannt do anything right, why do you even bother cause your no good, your stupid, my favorite your not good enough, and so on and so forth. Then begins the viscious cycle of depression anger and wanting a different life or even numbing out or self injuring myself because I hated myself. I dont know if can say that I its gone no the anger and depression is still here. Can I say the self hate is sgone no its stil come up everyknow and again. But I can say I am learning to love myself and push away those self bashing. And I think God is helpin me grow even more each day. The other day was the first day in a couple of weeks that I actually felt excited to be alive and had energy. I have not had the energy to do much of anything lately. Maybe a self pitty party or maybe just bad depression that keeps comin back. Lately I find myself on the really tough days wanting to numb out with a cold beer but that would be the easy way out and I aint no quiter. Im so glad I have people out there praying for me and encouraging me through these last few weeks. I want to be happy and not feel like everything is crumbling down inside. I want to let go but have trouble. But in due time I will and I will be really free. I hate not being able to feel at all and being so numb that I want the pain inside to show outside. Im gonna hold on to GOD and trust theres somethin better out there for me. And maybe that will give me hope that the right job for me is out there Im just not where I want to be but am where God wants me. Guess thats okay with me.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pretending


When you were younger did you used to pretend that you were a King and Queen or were a night coming to the rescue? In grade school growin up I pretended to be granny lady. Id walk all hunched over anduse a stick as a cane. I thought maybe people would notice me and want to talk to me. They saw me as a silly girl who didnt know how to behave normal. I didnt want them to see the real me. I was ashamed of having ADHD and a Learning Disability. I didnt want people to see that I was struggling each and everyday. That I hated me. I pretended to be someone who I grew to hate and maybe there is still a little part that hates it. I had no clue of how to behave or even act. I was suupposed to be good and sit still and keep my mouth shut oh wait ya I couldnt. In first grade I had to start takin meds for my ADD. Got made fun of because I had to go to the office after lunch to get meds. I also got made fun of because Id have to go to another school to get speach and language. So it became an act Id pretend to be happy Id act like everythin was ok when inside I was dying. Because why show people that I hate myself. I promised myself I would never drink and get high but I got to college and wanted to fit in. So yet again I begain to pretend I was good. Hey people where talkin to me so why not pretend more. Hey got the name crazy freakin Katie. So I figured I needed to live up to that name. Id run down the hallways pace the halls. I hated myself so bad that even the alcohol and pot wasnt cutting it. I was going to mass as much couldnt find what I was missing. Id say to myself your worthless, you dont deserve anything, your stupid, you cannt even do anything right, you are pathetic. Id tear myself apart and destroy my self. Who wanted to love me or even be my friend because I couldnt keep friends theyd always find reasons to back away or treat me like dirt how was I not supposed to pretend I was ok. I wanted the pain inside to stop. I wanted it to show outside so I began burnin myself with lighter. Then my friend found out and they gave me an ultimatium want to live or die. I wanted to live. But didnt know how I was gonna stop pretending. I found GOD in 03. Had no idea what the deal was but it had to be better then how I was surviving. I had no ideaa it would change my life. I had no idea church could be fun. Im tired of pretend everything is ok when its not. I want ot be real and not pretend anymore. Its very hard but Im gonna start and not pretend. GOD been there through it all. I just was blind and was caught up in how bad it was inside me that I couldnt see Him workin. Im gonna try not to pretend anymore and just live my life.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dogs




I have 3 dogs maltese two are brother and sister and the other is their son. There names are Thumper Marie she used to thump her foot when you scracthed her she also is ocd and likes to nibble on blankets highly annoying but I love her. Then theres Theodore James teddy for short he is like a teddy bear barks at himself in the mirror. Then theres my little boy Bailey James he is my little buddy he barks alot think he might have dog ADD he wants to be the center of attention. But when I haven a bad day they are right by my side ready to greet me and give kisses. Even if Im mean to them yell at them they still love me they still wag their tails and love on me. Sometimes I think did they get there little stuff from me.

Its the same way with God in a sense no matter what we do God will still love us. Hes not gonna leave us stranded. He will always be there waiting for us. God will never not love us. We could be mad and angry at Him but Hes still gonna love us. We could be broken inside Hes still gonna love us. His love is always there we may not see it but its there. Hes waiting for us to come to Him so He can love on us. I wanna be surrounded by His love.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Before I came to Christ

It started off the second semester of my sophmore year. I was at a party with someone who I thought at that time was my friend for a girls birthday. I was at the party because I was supposed to go home with Kim for the weekend and I didn't because it was supposed to snow and my parents didn't want me to come home. So I said what the heck I'll get plasterd. So I did. I had way to much to drink and prolly blacked out too. But I was fighting a cold at the time also. So my body became on fire and I couldn't move at all. My one friend and her guy friend had to walk me to the bedroom since I could not move anything. Then when my so called friend went to bed she had sex in the bed with her boyfriend while I was sleeping in the bed with them. I had no clue until the next day when some one told me. So a few days goes by and I go to see her and I was given a note of all things. In the note she proceeded to tell me that she DID NOT want to be friends with me anymore. What blow. I shared a lot of things about my past with her and she goes and says she DOES NOT want to be friends with me anymore. Man my world began to crumble within seconds...

Well it did and the one girl whose birthday it was there for me. After reading the letter I felt my heart just break and at that time I thought nothing or no one could fill that hole in my heart. I took the elvator to her room and there I cried in front of someone who would end up teaching me aabout Christ. my friend then began to comfort me and she told me that I didn't need to drink and get high to be friends with her she liked me for who I was an dthat mad me feel a little better. But her roomate was a Christian and she had Bible verses taped to the walls I found that strange at the time but i began to read some and began to feel a little better that I was better off not being around her. And she was right about that. My friends roomate then invited me to an FCA meeting. When I was a freshman I thought it was a joke and stupid but it wasn't at all it was where I learned about Christianity and that I needed Jesus. After I calmed down a bit I called Kim and told her about what happened. She came down from where she went to school to pick me up so I wouldn't be alone on the weekend. Thats where I heard my first worship song she took me to church with her.

So then I got close with a girl from across the hall and we got a long great then she left and I had no one to keep me sane. She was cool she made me laugh and we eventually became roomates the next year. But when she left I had no one to really talk to and I became really depressed. I began to think how stupid I was and all the talk in the head and I wanted the pain inside to be outside. So I went to the counselor on campous and she sent me to a pscyitrist at the mental hospital she gave me anti depressants and anti anxity meds. I was a mess. I missed classes I was drinking and going to the frat house and getting high. I'd walk in to the dorm and have to say 1.2.3 sober so I could walk to the elvator so no one would catch me. Theyed lock me in my room.

So then the end of the year comes and I have to do summer school. I was not happy. At that time I still hadn't acceted Christ into my life. So of course my 21st birthday had to be the day before my brothers Highschool graduation so I really didn't get to celbrate it. So the day after my brothers gradeuation from high school I had to go back to school. So me being the smart one went and bought a 24 pack of beer and some boones farm. And Id have one or two a day but this particular day I took my zanez and I think I drank after taking it but I really don't remember. So I fell a sleep and I believe I may have blacked out and was in a small coma because the next thing I know Im over top of my body just hovering over the mess and the empty bottles. And then I then cell phone rang and I was up. But I believe God was showing me that I needed to stop or this is how I'll be the rest of my life. It was very scarey. After that I stopped taking the zanex. Well I could get a ride to get my anti-depressant so that was another reason why I stoped taking it. Also that summer I had to go to the emergency room because I had a sever migrain where I could move my neck or any part of my body. The other time was because I had a serious kidney infection.

Then my Junior year when I was on my fall break my mom comes in my room around 4 am and says they are taking my brother to the hospital. At that time I had no idea at that time he was in a mental hospital. So my parents came home and my brother did not and that kinda scared me. I asked where he was and they told me he tried to kill himself and so I really didn't have a fall break. My parents where with him almost the whole time I was home. That was a big kick in the butt for me. My little brother was hurting and I couldn't do anything about it. So I go back to school with out seeing my brother and that week my proffesor took us to a fedral penitentary. And we went through the mental hospital and that brought back the memory of my mom coming in my room telling me about my brother. So that made me shut down and not want to see anyone or go on medicine. Or that may have been my mind making the decision.
I started to attend FCA weekly and meet some Christian friends.

So around the end of that year my roomate gets in car reck and she was ok but she ended up leaving school for the weekend. I was so scared she wasn't gonna come back. She did but she was a different person after that. She left me before and left me a mess and I was afraid she was gonna leave for good and I couldn't handle that.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Boxes in Life

Today we live in a society that is on the go. We want things right then and there. We want things right now this second.. We want to hear from friends and family right now. But it doesnt happen like that. Because it is all in Gods own timing. We think that being on the go all the time will get us through but it wont you end up flat on your face wondering where did you go wrong what did you do to get here. So you put yourself in a box and tape it shut so no one can get in. You think that God doesnt care and wont get in the box with you. But He is the box with you trying to cut the tape to free you completely. But we think we can fix ourselves but we cannt. We need Jesus to be the Center of our focus so He can begin to breakdown the box we put ourselves in. When we begin to put our trust in God own timing and seek Him, He will make things work out in His own timing.

I am beginingto figure that out. He wants me to seek Him first not others not matrial things not music just Him. He wants all of me not just bits and pieces. I thought that I could fix stuff myself but then I hit bottom and He was there and helped me up and fixed the cuts and bruises. I wanted friends to help me but friends fail you and God will not. God will not abandon me or throw me on street corner like trash. I thank all my twitter family for praying for me through the bumps in the road. If it wasnt for twitter I wouldnt know the length of Gods love for me. And Im so grateful for all of you guys. God is really showing me a love that I dont get at home. But He is now my Center. He is all I ever need. Hes all I ever wanted. Funny how He uses ordinary people to help you along the way giving you encouragement. I wouldnt never have believed that I could forgive myself and others if it wasnt for His intervention. So glad He came to my rescue and saved me. So I am gonna trust Him right now even if things get rocky and I stumble and fall off course because He is right there beside me holding onto me. He wont let go of me. Im ready for this ride. So here I go Im Holding on to God and Hes holding onto me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Real Me

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Im showin people who I never met before the real me when friends and family dont usually see the real me . But through God I am able to show off the real me and not pretend to be someone who Im not. God sees the real me. Its ok to be me and I have to not think I need to be different when Im around different people so they dont see my ADHD and out of control.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Love Her Like Jesus

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God Loves me and Saved me. So Im saring pictures of me growin up. The song I choose was Love Her Like Jesus/ Does Anyone Hear Her By Casting Crowns. It starts of with baby pictures then goes into adulthood where I was searching for love and in 03 I found that love in Christ. Some pictures are of hard times but we all go through them. The Does anyone hear her was a song that got me and still does. Cause I used to be so depressed that I was so numb inside to thepoint of self hatered. So this song was like a cry out to everyone sayin dont you see that im barely existing and need encouragement. But then I found God and He was the only one who really heard me and still hears me.