Thursday, December 31, 2009
So because I got migrains I went to see a neurologist and he gave me a preventative med that helped in ways it helped with my anger and my depression and even though I gained some weight and had not as severe headaches the neurologist took me off of it and put me on another one. The one I am currently on now the one that is not helping at all. Not only is it not helping it is making my depression worse then its been in a while. There are days now when I really could care less if I got up out of bed. I lost me and lost my hope. My Christmas was ok it passed like a blown out candle. One minute or day Im up and doing ok then Im back at bottom. One minute Im crying or tearing up and the next im fine. I know God never give me more than I can handle but I feel like Im far away from GOd like I walked out on HIM. Like all my hope and joy is gone. And this brings me to New Years Eve I was up and doing well then I was really down and have been ever since. Its like Im at bottom and am trying to reach to HIM but I just cannt reach hard enough. Or I just push HIM to the side. I want to work I dont want to be unmployed. Yet when I think about working I think how long will I last before I get let go and will I get verbally and emotionally abused again.
But as the year ended I am thankful I stayed sober another year and have made new friends and that I am important even if I dont think it at the time. Something I learned that GOD is always there and will help me get through whatever I am going through.
God Bless everyone. New Year I think Im ready for a radical change even if it hurts or brings me tomy knees Im ready to HOLD ON and PUT MY TRUST JESUS Alone.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Woke up this morning to it snowing and a Peace inside that I have not felt in a very long time. It was like I knew everything is gonna be okay and that I am Loved By God. That I matter. That things will turn around and get better and with GODS help will be able to beat this depression.
Explanation of the picture well this afternoon my boy bailey went under the deck and decided to dig in the dirt and needless to say he got messy. But like a good mommy I went and got him a towel and then gave him a bath. But isn't that like GOD too when we mess up or fall down HE's right there waiting for us. Waiting for us to come inside so HE can make us clean and draw us closer and closer to HIM. We come to GOD with messy faces and lives and baggage and HE picks us up drys us off. He wants us to surrender yet some people like myself has trouble with surrendering because of how I was raised. But I want to surrender to GOD. It just gets mixed up a bit from brain to heart there is disconnect. The verse came to me this afternoon picked my Bible up and just saw this one and was drawn to it. I think that because HE cares so much about us and has every single moment of our life laid out. SO I guess I'm ready to give GOD full control of my life. Cause Hes the only one who knows what is gonna happen with me. I now know I am safe in HIS ARMS.
In His arms I am safe and HE will lead me closer to HIM.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Started drinking in sumer of 01 ended drinking in Summer of 06
My favorite restraunts our Olive Garden, Cheesecake factory, and Cracker Barrel
My favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night
My Favorite Casting Crowns songs would be Stained Glass Masquerade, Does Anybody Hear Her, Love Them Like Jesus, Set Me Free
I played soccer, softball, t- ball, was on swim team, and basketball
My favorite donut is chocolate frosted
My favorite colors Orange, Blue, Purple, and Green
In college I was in FCA
Favorite Books in the Bible Psalms and James
Favorite Author Karen Kingsbury and Francine Rivers
Favorite Verses Joshua 1:9, Phillipians 4:13, Romans 8:28, Psalm 91, Psalm 46:10
Favorite States Ive been to TN, CA, NC
Coolest cities Ive been to Nashville, Los Angelis, Portland, New Orleans, San Diago
Favorite little big town comment God never gives you more then you can handle and Never Give Up.
Favorite State to see Little Big Town PA
Favorite all time song Wind Beneath My Wings Bette Middler
Favorite Childhood song You can Call Me Al and We Didnt start the fire
Roommates in College 6 in 5 yrs
Favorite Worship Songs Trading My Sorrows and Amazing Love
Favorite Jeremy Camp Songs This Man, Walk By Faith, Right Here, Lay Down My Pride
Favorite Matthew West songs Motions, Your Everything, Moment of Truth
Favorite Football Teams Washington Redskins, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Tennesse Titans
Favorite Hotel ive been in Hotel Del Cornado in San Diago
People I want too meet Pat Summit, Cheryl Swoops, Rebbecca Lobbo and Lisa Leslie all childhood heroes looked up to them
Artists Ive met Little Big Town, Matthew West, Toby Mac, Day of Fire, Phil Stacy, American Idols Session 6, Josh Gracin, Jonny Diaz, 33 miles, Trick Pony, Cowboy Troy, Shawna P, Damin Horne.
First Christian CDs I got Building 429 and Sillars Ballad
First time I heard Little Big Town Fanfest 05
First Time met Little Big Town Ebensburgh
First Converstion with Little Big Town Dover Delaware
First place I set the fire alarm off was in hotel in Dover Deleware when the shower steam set it off but me and kim grabed our Bibles pillows bears ipods and car keys we figured the clothes u can replasce we couldnt replace the bibles because they were lbt bibles case signed by them so it goes with us all over the place not a trip without the lbt bible funny thing is its my recoevry bible
First Christian Concert October Fest at Walnut Creek NC
Crazyiest thing I did was go see the Chip and Dale Dancers in 06
Longest Ive gone without sleep 48 hrs
I like Sushi California Rolls from Woollies in on the strip in PA
I like to watch MASH
Favorite HGTV shows would be House Hunters, House hunters international, Property virgins, My first place.
Weirdest Little Big Town encounter / bazzarrest day would be in Daniville VA in 09
In 01 I had my wisdom teeth out that were impacted not only that I had a cyst the removed and not only that on the mend I had a dime sized canquer sore
Scariest trip to see LBT me and kim got lost what a shock but had to do a U-turn and we were double blinded on both sides so she has sun roof so I unbuckled my seat belt and stood on the seat to look out the sunroof so we could safely cross the street
Thursday, November 12, 2009
These past 2 weeks I have been on a rollercoaster ride of sorts with lost of stuff in my life seeming to crash at one time. Leading me to back to an old habbit. Well it really started sunday night when I walked out on dinner. Which sent my body in to full blown anger mode. I turned on music to try and cool down but it didnt seem to help much cause when I woke up in the AM it was back worse then Sunday night. I went from being supper anxious ready to cry and then angry and not wanting to feel a thing. So in that moment I went back to scratching again. Was so low that I had this look on my face that nothing mattered. Then my friend told me to calm down and turn to God. Bam those words I needed to hear to get out of it. So I then put on worship music and just worshiped. I still cannt cry but I am learning that I have to notjudge myself and that I have to forgive myself. Im so blessed with my friendship with @AliveinMe she has been pointing me to rely fully on GOD. And that is hard for me but I need my life back and if giving HIM everything will get me back to being happy and not down in the dumps. And trust that HE is in control.
On thursday I was told by my parents that I had rolls in my belly. I knew I had them Im well aware of what my tummy looks like and that it has rolls. I didnt need to be reminded of it. Especially in a bad week when I already was depressed hey lets make her more depressed.
I did end up crying last night but only because I was putting myself down. SO I guess it was self bashing last night.
I also have been fighting headaches off and on this week. Slept alot yesterday.
I had a meeting with the Department of Rehabilitation and they said that my case was delayed cause they didnt have the right paperwork filed and that I basically fell through the cracks. SO my mom and my Aunt who is a social worker went with me and they now are proceeding with everything. All I have to do is sign paperwork and wait for appoinments. Plus will file for Social Security again. My parents filed when I was little now we are gonna try again. Since I will be starting work as part time.
Also In talking with @AliveinMe or Hetty I have been able to share things from my past that I assumed to keep to myself. Yet GOD knew all about so really I was just hiding it from myself so I wouldnt get hurt all over again. Yet I have been carrying it for so long that I was doing more harm to myself by not letting go. And now that I think about it letting go is the best thing it takes the weight off my shoulders. So I can turn to HIM and give GOD my everything. Not just parts here and parts there all of me.
But God got me through and I still sober and He is still GOD. I just have to remind myself Im never alone even if I feel like it sometimes there are others out there too. SO Im gonna take last week and give it to HIM.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Isaiah 264 "Trust in the Lord always for the Lord God is the eternal Rock"
Things are changing for me. Who would have guess that a few months ago I would be able to stand in front of 100 or more people and give a tost to my best friend Shannon and her husband at her wedding and not wig out. Ya I was nerveous but I had God with me and holding me. It wasnt as bad the biggest thing was my mom was making it worse by saying you dont have to give it . I felt lead to that it was a stepping stone for what is to come in my life. I have to admit I was scared of what my future may hold with work and my calling. But now I know that whatever happens I have God on my side and with Him anything is possible. Just recently my friend and I started a new twitter account for addiction (@fillmyvoid). It was created so people who had any addiction who conquered it whose struggling with it. To talk it out. Its also a way for me to reach out to others who currently struggle or have struggled with addictions. This was brought up because someone I knew from my celebrate recovery group said that I shouldnt pick up a chip because I have not gone to any meetings and not working on my own recovery. I personnaly dont think working the 12 steps is for me. I have learned by trial and error. In the past I reach out to others before reaching out to God. But my friend @AliveinMe is helping me to reach out to God first then to others. I am so blessed to know her. I was recently put on a waiting list for the Department of Rehabilitation. I thought this was just another screw Katie out of the help and services needed to make me successful and thrive. But in fact it might not be the case. My moms friend from college said to my mom she would come with us to the meeting she is a liscensed social worker so it will help shake them up. Its all in Gods timing I might not be ready for what He has me doing next so He is preparing me right now to do His will. Its all in His timing. I just need to have patience. I have to be willing and open to change regardless of how scary it might be. I need to remember that God is first and everything else is second. If He is first and infront of me then I have nothing to fear easy said then done but i will try. Something else I may not got to meetings for my Alcohol problem but I am reaching out to many others who if I had not gotten back into twitter I would not have met awesome people all over the place. I do not like to be forced into something ike joining a step group or changing groups all together. I am a person too with real issues and real problems. I guess some people dont think that and so they are missing out on getting hugs and smiles from me. God closed that door for good the other day when I recieved that email. I dont need to feel like Im trash in a safe place. I dont need to be treated like a kid and have to act as if everything is fine and dandy and play it up. Because that is not me any more Im tired of this pretending was me long ago not me anymore.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Here is the speech I did for my best friends wedding. We have been friends since first grade so about 20 yrs. We have been through a lot together. we have been there for each other when family members died. When her youngest brother was born and at his baptism. When I would spend the night her mom read us the bible and then we all prayed together and said the rosary. Her family is like my second family. Her brothers looked at me like I was their second sister. seeing her with that white dress with her dad walking down the isle I had tears in my eyes.
Friday, October 16, 2009
October 29th 2005 a day that I will never forget. A day when a little piece of my heart died. A day when I lost my beloved dog Mattie. It was two days before halloween when I got the call from my mom saying we put Mattie to sleep because she was siezing and her little heart was failing. I was 200 miles away from home in my second to last semester at college. All I could think was I wanna be home with my family grieving. Me and my dad said if she was suffering that we will put her down so she wouldnt be in pain. My teachers were understanding that I needed time to grieve. But I was litteraly falling apart inside. My whole world as I knew it was crashing right before my eyes. The sad thing is when I needed distraction no one was there I was in a room by myself. Only me and God in that room that day I got the phone call all i could think of is I lost my best friend who always when I came home from school had the biggest tail wag and on those days when I had a bad day she was there right by my side. But God was there in that room that day. When I had no one to talk to no one to hug. When everyone had plans that didnt include me He was there. Lots of things crossed my mind being alone in that room. Like how it would be easy to go back into self injuring myself taking extra headache medicine. On the 30th a friend took me to the mall in Raliegh and I made a build a bear in memory of my dog. But changed it to Matthew James instead of Matilda aka MATTIE. I had to get out or I would do something I would have regreted. Thank God on Halloween the church I went to had a party of sorts that I served at so I was distracted for a bit though I was vacant. It was like death had swallowed me whole. Everyone in FCA told me to move on and deal with it. Ok my thought was they didnt just lose a dog that they grew up with and find out about over the phone not being able to be comforted by your family. Yes I still went to church every weekend and even to the midweek service. But I was vacant just going through the motions. Till one night in november when a women in church who took me under her wing and got me to church on sundays and a friend from FCA. Came up to me after church basically telling me "Katie you have two choices you can either live or die" Well choose to live. I basically needed GOD to come and slap me in the face saying look what ur doing to yourself. So from November till New Years I became sober. Life at home was hard with out Mattie. Thanksgiving and Christmas that year had been tough. I thank God that I wasnt home for that long period. I had been searching online for dogs because home had not been the same. Told my mom if they wanted me home after college we needed dogs. So my mom tells my dad we are getting a dog actually 2 brother and sister. They arrived home when I came home for Easter. My mom went to pick them up. God was there through it all in the darkest times He was there. When I wanted to give up on myself He was there not giving up on me. I know that because I had God in my life I was able to get through it. I praise God for that because I never wanna be that low again where I have a choice of living or dying. I do remember having on my computer screen these words "What would you do if you knew you couldnt fail" and "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." God took a big stick and wacked me with it to get me back on my feet.
During my time off from school for Christmas break me and a friend go to Nashville TN for a concert and to get away well those months being sober ending real quick. We went on a tour that ended in bar that you got free alcohol so I get a drink and finish it quickly then my friend had the same one but she didnt like it so I finished hers. Then from that day till mid June I went crazy with drinking and rebelled.
At this time my friends or who I thought were friends began to tell lies about the pastor of the church I went to so I really didnt go to church that much during this time because there was big divison and well I began to feel out of place. So I stoped going to FCA and needless to say a group from another church had been started for people my age and older so that was so a GOD thing. I was inluded in stuff
So its my last semester in school and I have my internship and well I have sex with a guy who was alot older then me I was 24 he was 40. Ok yes alcohol was involved. He would call me on his way home from work at like 1 Am then come by the dorm pick me up and we'd go back to his place and have sex then around 4 or 5 hed drop me off and I sneak back up to my room and sleep for a bit then get up the next day mind you I lived on a alcohol free floor. S I had to do the old 1.2.3. sober and walk in the door and hope no one was in the lobby and that they wouldnt ask questions. So this went on awhile. Till I screw up my internship by putting my hand on one of the kids cause the kid had one of those black boots on u get when u mess up ur foot. I was going for the basketball and he was on a swing and his boot hit my head and out of shock I gently put my hand on his shoulder and he goes and tells his mom on me and I nearly lose my internship but because of Gods grace I was able to stay and help organize files in a building that had black mold growing in it. So I was getting more headaches then normal and also getting UTIs alot.
So heres more as the year progressed an old roomate of mine had ticketts to see the Chip and Dales dancers at a strip club in Raligh. So I go and i get plastered forgeting that I have to be up early for basketball scorekeeping. Ya I had a hangover could hardley make it through the first game.
Ok so I tell my friend from FCA that id be at the senior banquette but I never showed up because my the people in my major went to dinner and I had been drinking i didnt go because I had a headache from drinking and they came to my room and give me the gift and I couldnt even look them in the face because I was ashamed of what I had become.
So then the wednesday before for graduation i get a call from the acdemic office or whatever saying I wouldnt be able to get my diploma I could walk with the class but no diploma. The words I so didnt want to hear again my world as knew feel to the ground all hope I had gone all I had worked for gone or so I thought. I would have to go to summer school and make up 2 classes no big deal.
SO its Graduation sunday and my church that week held a Womens Conference and one of the women who lead Maria Durso prayed over me that all alcohol addiction would be no more that I would be completely healed and delievred from it. Leaving that church I saw everyone in white robes as I walked out the doors that day like this door is shut for good.
So I go home and go to LA for my graduation present and my cousins baby shower and I still am drinking. I come back and celbrate my birthday with a friend and get plastered to the point of throwing up. Well my friend was sleeping downstairs and i was up in her bathroom clinging to the toilet never had I been this sick. I was miserable then a women who i talked about earlier gave me another utlimatium I could either stop talking with her all together or I could stop drinking and get my life together so I choose get sober. I got on my knees and asked GOD to take it away completely because I was headed in a bad direction if HE didnt intervene on my behalf. So later on I find out after endoscopy I had GERD which if I continued to drink I would need serious surgery to replace the flap that stops stuff from going in my lungs. SO there you have it my way out. And when I did get tempted in the beggining HE would ever so slightly remind me of lasast time drinking and about it could cause me to have surgery.
Through it all God was there through my rebellion and HE provided ways out. Now its 09 and have a little ovver 3 years of sobriety all thanks to JESUS. He never never gave up on me when I so gave up on myself. He was there waiting for me to come to my senses.
These two songs I really clung to the lyrics and message behind them during this time.
"You never give up on me, No, You never give up on me, Though Im weak You are strong, You told me I still belong, No, You never give up on me." Never Give Up on ME: Josh Bates"
"We live we love, We forgive and never give up, Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above, Today we remember to live and to love."We Live: Supperchick
Some more songs that I clung to through it Casting Crowns Stain Glass Masquerade, Does Anyone Here Her, Love them like JESUS, Praise You in this Storm, Lifesong and Set Me Free this is the was the song that was playing in car ride home from church the day I decided I wanted to live.
I heard this one at my first Casting Crowns concert about her friend who commited suicide and it hit me that He will find me no matter how far I have gone away and hide Hes there
Hold On Nichole Nordeman
It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's endIt will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledgeSo baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day
So hold on Love will find you Hold on He's right behind you now Just turn around And love will find you
It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bedSo baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner?To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Because if we didnt have struggles pain and trials then we wouldnt be a vessel to help others who have similar struggles. In our trial struggles and pains God is right there with us waiting for us to call to HIM. Ready for us to share what He has done for us. Teaching us how to love others and ourselves. Teaching us about forgiving others who have hurt us.
I know right now todya that GOD is my LORD AND SAVIOR. He will get me through my trials no matter what. No matter how far away I am from Him HE is still there. I need to put my total trust in HIM. HE needs to be the center of my attention. No matter what I do He still loves me.
Is going to see Little Big Town worth it when you know you are running on no money. Is it worth all the tiny things that go wrong. Is it worth all the unneeded stress. Is it worth the waiting. Is it worth being stuck on the toilet all night from nerves and stess. Is it worth the butterflies in your stomach. Is it worth staying up over 48 hrs cause you dont want to miss the show. Is it worth being outside in the cold to see them perform worth it. Is it worth being wet and losing a flip flop in the mud at a fair and walking on gros ground with no shoes on. Is barely functioning on little sleep worth it.
I wanna shout out to some people who are my friends on twitter.
Hetty (@AliveinMe) and Marie (@spreadingjoy) thank you for being so encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for being so opened armed and willing to see the real me. Thank you for not turning on me and puting me down.
Kim (@Fallinrain) thanks for your friendship for the past 11yrs been a great ride.
Thank you to all the people who follow my blog I feel all special now. :)
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Who is this girl? What are people going to think of her when they find out who she really is? She was so innocent with her smile. Deep down inside she was scared and afraid of what people might think when the found out she was different from everyone else.She would barley speak.She was tormented by her friends.She had one friend who taught her how to play nicely. You see no one knew the thoughts that were floating in her head.Her parents had no idea what was going on with her.She sits in her room at wishing someone would want invite her to their house.The phone never rang. She’d hear something about the parties and would be hurt and disappointed because no one wanted to be around someone different. They’d give her excuses and lies that later she began to use to protect her from being hurt. She would hide under that smile pretending that everything was ok when it really wasn’t.She knew how to hide she knew how to lie. So began her life behind the mask.She began making excuses why she wouldn’t eat.No one knew the tormenting thoughts she was thinking.Then people began to laugh and make jokes about her.She needed to do something.She began to take on the role of fighting and granny lady. She found a stick and used it as a cane.What would they say now? They had to notice her. So she thought.People did begin to notice her and would talk to her. They still didn’t invite her over to their houses.They had to be nice to her because she would tell on them or hurt them.She was a girl with so many problems and had no one to help her fix them. She played sports just to fit in with the rest of the kids. She used the sports as a way to meet people. She thinks to herself if I’m an athlete then someone has to like me.She found a sport that she liked.She began to use the sport as a way to get out pent up frustrations and anger. She began to have dreams that were so big.Those dreams in the end would die.She always had big dreams that ended up dying.She loved the game so much that when she couldn’t play in high school she was devastated. She asked if she could manage the team instead. She had to be part of the game to survive. She was a nobody with out the game. She gained respect from her peers because of her devotion to the game. She Knew this would get her in with different people. She found something to keep her mind at rest or so she thought.She had something to look forward to. The other escape for her was her dog Mattie. She loved her so much. When she wasn’t playing the sport she was with her dog.When she was away from her dog her heart would ache. What would people say? What would people think of her? How will she go on. How would she react to these people in her new school?Why is everything so hard for this little girl?She was sexually abused by two people she thought were her friends. One happened to be her next door neighbor. She felt like trash. She felt defiled. How could she even tell someone about what happened to her? She didn’t know it was wrong or even rape. How could she know she was a kid in a big girl’s body. She felt dirty and still does knowing she can never get her innocence backCan’t anyone see how she is suffering inside. Of course not she hides it pretty well with that smile of hers. Don’t they know the tormenting thoughts that are running through her head. Oh boy does she have everyone fooled by her fake smile and all those masks she wears. She needed to bring the pain within outward. She needed something to cope.Her relationship with her best friend changed. She was not allowed to spend the night her house anymore.What’s she gonna do now ? How is she gonna deal with it? She stuffs it down inside because processing it would do more harm. Now she had no one to talk to or hang out with. She was all alone again.She had no way out of the tormenting thoughts and the guilt.She was a girl with many problems and no way to deal with them.She felt so alone and hid in her room to get away from everything.She needed to be loved.She needed to be accepted.Her mom was never home. Her dad stayed at home while her mom worked. When her mom came home she would have a glass of wine which back then she had no idea how that would effect her. She had to ask for hugs from her parents. She was never told by her parents that they loved her. Their way was taking her to appointments and taking her to sporting events.She was spiraling downward to a breakdown.She is afraid of making mistakes cause her dad would get mad at her.She wasn’t allowed to cry because only weak people cry or so she was told by her parents. She stuffed and stuffed till she couldn’t stuff anymore.She was a frail little girl with big problems and no way to get to the bottom of the problems. She needed to be accepted by her friends and parents.She had a lot of time alone to think about her problems. She was very shy and had no confidence in her abilities or herself.She was on the outside looking in.She made herself into what people wanted so she could fit in.How were they to know she was just pretending? She wore so many masks to hide the pain. She tried to reach out for help but her parents told you don’t needed to be tough and strong. No one wanted to deal with her not even her parents.Look at her all innocent no one has any idea what she has been through.She looked in the mirror and didn’t like what she saw. All those times of stuffing would end up hunting her.When she went to college her life would be turned upside down and twisted in many directions and its miracle she’s still around?She would end up starting to drink and get high to numb the pain from years of hurt.She was so numb from the pain that she had to do something. Most people in college don’t go through 7 roommate’s in6 years. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most peoples college roommates don’t end up having a asthma attack while in the room their freshman year and have wait for EMS to arrive while trying not to have a complete meltdown. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college dogs don’t die when they are away and are told to just deal with it. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most college people don’t have siblings that have to go to the mental hospital due to not wanting to live. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t wake up and have an out of body experience. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t get so drunk that their body is on fire and they can hardly move and are placed in bed with their friends and find that their friend and boyfriend were having sex while she was in the bed. Wait yes it did it happened to her. The girl used alcohol in college to mask all the pain. She had nothing to look forward to or live for until her friend Kim showed told her about Little Big Town and once she heard them in concert she fell in love with the music and now had something to look forward to. She would end up giving her life to God the day she graduated from college. She also ended a long battle with alcohol and has been sober ever since.
Dont like being called Kathleen at all. I go by Katie
I am a grateful Believer in Jesus Christ.I am a recovering alcoholic.
I stayed back in Kindergarden .
I sleep with my baby blanket and a bear named Freddy James I made in college during a rough 2003.
I used to sleep with another bear named jimi but in charllotesville VA he got bear napped.
I have two best friends Shannon W. and Kim.
Ive Known Kim almost 11 years
Ive known shannon since 2nd grade
My first dog Mattie died when I was away at college my 1st semester of my senoir year.
I have three dogs Teddy Thumper and Bailey.
I call them the west virginia family. Teddy and thumper are brother and sister and Baileys their baby.I go to Church of the Redeemer.
I love going on trips to see Little Big Town with Kim. Ive seen Little Big Town 36 times in a little over 3 years. In 10 months just this year alone I have seen Little Big Town 11 times
My all time favorite movie is Beaches.
My current favorite movies would be Facing the Giants Fireproof Flywheel.
My favorite tv shows growing up would be Touched by an Angel and Welcome to Pooh Corner.
My current favorite tv shows NCIS, Greys Antomy, and Extreme House Makeover Sue FBEYE Psych, Leverage, Closer, Royal Pains HGTV.
Favorite Little Big Town Songs: Love Profound, Evangeline, Vapor, Bring it on Home, Stay, Lost, Bones, Only What You Make of It and Im with the Band Life Rolls On.
Favorite Christian bands or artists TobyMac, Casting Crowns, Jeremy Camp, Matthew West Chris and Conrad, Julian Drive, natalie Grant, and Jars of Clay.
Favorite Little Big Town femal memember Kimberly sorry Karen you got the boot.Favorite Little Big Town guy memember would be Phillip sorry Jimi you havent stepped up your game yet.
I used to manage my high school girls basketball teams fresmen jv and varsity.
I have some cool friends kim and shannon. Sue, Lauren its weird how God places people in your life when you need them i'll never forget what you did for me, Mary Anne, Michelle.
Hetty and Marie Im so blessed God connected us He works in marvelus ways.
When I first entered barton College I majored in Sports Management then changed to Undecided before settling with Criminal Justice and Criminology.
I like Ledos Pizza.
The longest Ive been up was 48 hours due to a project for a memeber of Little Big Town and then not wanting to miss said concert.
In Highschool I went by kdogg.
In college people called me crazykatie cause id walk run down the halls act wild.
In my Sophmore year of college I broke my tailbone and chipped part of the bone too.
SO embaracing goin to class with a blue donout pillow.
To this day I still have pains from it.
When I went to Girl Scott Camp I got stung by a bee on my top lip.
I love MCDonalds sweet tea
I love starbucks fraps and lattes
I collect shot glasses from states I visted or just cause they look cool.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
3 years worth of meet and greet pictures and pictures from the concert. Some of the concert pictures were takin by Kim. Its been a great journey of fun and sometimes very stressful but oh so worth it in the end. Nothing like a Little Big Town high. And nothing like another LBT Moment where God shows off.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Colosians 3:23 Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically as something done for the Lord and not for me.
Sometimes when life gets tough you just gotta have some fun and dance. Dance your your way through the emotions you feel. You may look silly you may look like you lost your bloomin mind but your having fun and thats the best part. So if you want to dance down the isles of stores go for it cause you only live once. I enjoy makin a fool of myself dancin cause it i can just laugh and act silly. I guess I dance cause it gets pent up frustration and anxiety out and I can just have fun.
Coming home from work or being out of town and having the dogs greet me. Getting kisses from the dogs.Giving people hugs and making there days better. Spending time with the people that matter in my life. That bailey loves to snuggle with me. Holding bailey like a baby and having him fall a sleep in my arms. Watching The dogs play with each othe watching the dogs give each othet kisses. Taalking with the people that matter. Watching the dogs sleep. The best things in life are spending time with your friends. Going to concerts with your friends and meeting the band. Getting to spend time with the band. Getting nearly killed going to see the band. Being noticed by little big town and then having them diirect their attention towards you almost like they are singing the song just for you and making sure your ok. Three words I never want to hear by little big town raise your right hand. Another thing don't want to be followed by little big town while driving its very hazard us. They make you feel welcome and like yor worth more then you think. they always have the right things to say
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Well I have 3 yrs of sobriety and am currently living at home with my alcoholic parents. Wait red flag. You heard me live in alcoholic and sober. You ask how can I get by. I get by only with Gods help. it is very tough to see the people you love wasting away and you judt want to shake them and say look what your doing not only are you hurting yourself your hurting the people that love you. You say how can you deal with it. I suck it up and take it cause I have to. I stuff it inside and hope that the pain will go away. Sometimes I even blame myself for my moms drinkin but then I change my thinkin. You think how am I still sober I remind myself of how I was when I wasnt and then Praise God for my sobriety. Its bad when they pick on me when they drink. You say Im strong maybe but I have to be inorder to survive at home. You say why dont I move out. Its way to expensive in MD to live in an appartment. So I deal with it because I have to. But God gets me through it and Im glad I have Him in my life now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
God wants us to run to Him at all times in the good and bad and in between. He wants us to let our guards down and begin to trust Him. He wont fight back. He wont put you down or make you feel awful. He will love you no matter what you did or didnt do.
At one period in my life I did not love myself. I would not look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. But then once I had accepted God in my life and really understood that He loves me was slowly able to look at myself in the mirror and not think I was dirt. But I began to say God loves me Katie and for awhile I believed it then stuff happened and pushed God to the side but He never stopped loving me. So I guess I dont need to act tough and just let God work in me and through me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Well it did and the one girl whose birthday it was there for me. After reading the letter I felt my heart just break and at that time I thought nothing or no one could fill that hole in my heart. I took the elvator to her room and there I cried in front of someone who would end up teaching me aabout Christ. my friend then began to comfort me and she told me that I didn't need to drink and get high to be friends with her she liked me for who I was an dthat mad me feel a little better. But her roomate was a Christian and she had Bible verses taped to the walls I found that strange at the time but i began to read some and began to feel a little better that I was better off not being around her. And she was right about that. My friends roomate then invited me to an FCA meeting. When I was a freshman I thought it was a joke and stupid but it wasn't at all it was where I learned about Christianity and that I needed Jesus. After I calmed down a bit I called Kim and told her about what happened. She came down from where she went to school to pick me up so I wouldn't be alone on the weekend. Thats where I heard my first worship song she took me to church with her.
So then I got close with a girl from across the hall and we got a long great then she left and I had no one to keep me sane. She was cool she made me laugh and we eventually became roomates the next year. But when she left I had no one to really talk to and I became really depressed. I began to think how stupid I was and all the talk in the head and I wanted the pain inside to be outside. So I went to the counselor on campous and she sent me to a pscyitrist at the mental hospital she gave me anti depressants and anti anxity meds. I was a mess. I missed classes I was drinking and going to the frat house and getting high. I'd walk in to the dorm and have to say 1.2.3 sober so I could walk to the elvator so no one would catch me. Theyed lock me in my room.
So then the end of the year comes and I have to do summer school. I was not happy. At that time I still hadn't acceted Christ into my life. So of course my 21st birthday had to be the day before my brothers Highschool graduation so I really didn't get to celbrate it. So the day after my brothers gradeuation from high school I had to go back to school. So me being the smart one went and bought a 24 pack of beer and some boones farm. And Id have one or two a day but this particular day I took my zanez and I think I drank after taking it but I really don't remember. So I fell a sleep and I believe I may have blacked out and was in a small coma because the next thing I know Im over top of my body just hovering over the mess and the empty bottles. And then I then cell phone rang and I was up. But I believe God was showing me that I needed to stop or this is how I'll be the rest of my life. It was very scarey. After that I stopped taking the zanex. Well I could get a ride to get my anti-depressant so that was another reason why I stoped taking it. Also that summer I had to go to the emergency room because I had a sever migrain where I could move my neck or any part of my body. The other time was because I had a serious kidney infection.
Then my Junior year when I was on my fall break my mom comes in my room around 4 am and says they are taking my brother to the hospital. At that time I had no idea at that time he was in a mental hospital. So my parents came home and my brother did not and that kinda scared me. I asked where he was and they told me he tried to kill himself and so I really didn't have a fall break. My parents where with him almost the whole time I was home. That was a big kick in the butt for me. My little brother was hurting and I couldn't do anything about it. So I go back to school with out seeing my brother and that week my proffesor took us to a fedral penitentary. And we went through the mental hospital and that brought back the memory of my mom coming in my room telling me about my brother. So that made me shut down and not want to see anyone or go on medicine. Or that may have been my mind making the decision.
I started to attend FCA weekly and meet some Christian friends.
So around the end of that year my roomate gets in car reck and she was ok but she ended up leaving school for the weekend. I was so scared she wasn't gonna come back. She did but she was a different person after that. She left me before and left me a mess and I was afraid she was gonna leave for good and I couldn't handle that.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I am beginingto figure that out. He wants me to seek Him first not others not matrial things not music just Him. He wants all of me not just bits and pieces. I thought that I could fix stuff myself but then I hit bottom and He was there and helped me up and fixed the cuts and bruises. I wanted friends to help me but friends fail you and God will not. God will not abandon me or throw me on street corner like trash. I thank all my twitter family for praying for me through the bumps in the road. If it wasnt for twitter I wouldnt know the length of Gods love for me. And Im so grateful for all of you guys. God is really showing me a love that I dont get at home. But He is now my Center. He is all I ever need. Hes all I ever wanted. Funny how He uses ordinary people to help you along the way giving you encouragement. I wouldnt never have believed that I could forgive myself and others if it wasnt for His intervention. So glad He came to my rescue and saved me. So I am gonna trust Him right now even if things get rocky and I stumble and fall off course because He is right there beside me holding onto me. He wont let go of me. Im ready for this ride. So here I go Im Holding on to God and Hes holding onto me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Im showin people who I never met before the real me when friends and family dont usually see the real me . But through God I am able to show off the real me and not pretend to be someone who Im not. God sees the real me. Its ok to be me and I have to not think I need to be different when Im around different people so they dont see my ADHD and out of control.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
God Loves me and Saved me. So Im saring pictures of me growin up. The song I choose was Love Her Like Jesus/ Does Anyone Hear Her By Casting Crowns. It starts of with baby pictures then goes into adulthood where I was searching for love and in 03 I found that love in Christ. Some pictures are of hard times but we all go through them. The Does anyone hear her was a song that got me and still does. Cause I used to be so depressed that I was so numb inside to thepoint of self hatered. So this song was like a cry out to everyone sayin dont you see that im barely existing and need encouragement. But then I found God and He was the only one who really heard me and still hears me.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thank you Lord for Saving and providing me with friends and family. The song I choose for this video was Only What You Make of It by little big town. I choose this song because it fits my life in so many ways. We all need to make the most of situation even if they are hard and we want to run away. It is always worth it in the end. Yes some of the people in the pictures are no longer friends but I always found away to make the most of my life even when i was so numb and completly hated myself for who I was and what I was becoming. I look back and think I had to face thoseor I wouldnt be the person I am today. All thanks to GOD.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
When our life is so busy we just need to stop and thank GOD for the day and it will seem less busy.
Sometimes it gets confusing that I don't know where I am.
Sometimes our lives get so mixed up and confusing and we dont know where we are but there is one who knows where we are and can help us remember who He. HE is LORD AND SAVIOR.
We take risk everyday of our lives even though it may not seem like it. Like driving your car is a risk. And crossing the street at a crosswalk. YOu take risk when you make new friends. You risk being hurt or rejected by the ones you care about.You risk being let down when something you believe in might come true. You risk being mocked or laughed at. YOu take risks at work
Sometimes it gets confusing that I don't know where I am but I always know who Im with Im with the bad. This is such a true statement because life may get so mixed up and when I go to a Littl Big Town concert all the trouble that happpene just seems to melt away because Im with the band. They make you feel like you are part of there family and that you are worth it.
And the smile that your wearin is just a lovely veil for the secrets that your hiding that are just to dark to tell. Everyone has a secret that they hiding. This is such a powerful song because it talks about abuse. You do not have to be struck to be abuse it can come from emotional and verbal.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Because a Year ago this week I was litteraly at the end of myself and had no hope left and no one who I reached out to seemed to give a hoot. So He knew that I was going in the same direction as last year so He said I will send someone who is in Love with Him and who wont pull me under like a railroad train. So I decided to follow Hetty on twitter and now I am very greatful for the connection because this week was a struggle was able to make it out stronger in Him because of His blessing.