Sunday, October 25, 2009

video

Here is the speech I did for my best friends wedding. We have been friends since first grade so about 20 yrs. We have been through a lot together. we have been there for each other when family members died. When her youngest brother was born and at his baptism. When I would spend the night her mom read us the bible and then we all prayed together and said the rosary. Her family is like my second family. Her brothers looked at me like I was their second sister. seeing her with that white dress with her dad walking down the isle I had tears in my eyes.

Friday, October 16, 2009

testimony continued











October 29th 2005 a day that I will never forget. A day when a little piece of my heart died. A day when I lost my beloved dog Mattie. It was two days before halloween when I got the call from my mom saying we put Mattie to sleep because she was siezing and her little heart was failing. I was 200 miles away from home in my second to last semester at college. All I could think was I wanna be home with my family grieving. Me and my dad said if she was suffering that we will put her down so she wouldnt be in pain. My teachers were understanding that I needed time to grieve. But I was litteraly falling apart inside. My whole world as I knew it was crashing right before my eyes. The sad thing is when I needed distraction no one was there I was in a room by myself. Only me and God in that room that day I got the phone call all i could think of is I lost my best friend who always when I came home from school had the biggest tail wag and on those days when I had a bad day she was there right by my side. But God was there in that room that day. When I had no one to talk to no one to hug. When everyone had plans that didnt include me He was there. Lots of things crossed my mind being alone in that room. Like how it would be easy to go back into self injuring myself taking extra headache medicine. On the 30th a friend took me to the mall in Raliegh and I made a build a bear in memory of my dog. But changed it to Matthew James instead of Matilda aka MATTIE. I had to get out or I would do something I would have regreted. Thank God on Halloween the church I went to had a party of sorts that I served at so I was distracted for a bit though I was vacant. It was like death had swallowed me whole. Everyone in FCA told me to move on and deal with it. Ok my thought was they didnt just lose a dog that they grew up with and find out about over the phone not being able to be comforted by your family. Yes I still went to church every weekend and even to the midweek service. But I was vacant just going through the motions. Till one night in november when a women in church who took me under her wing and got me to church on sundays and a friend from FCA. Came up to me after church basically telling me "Katie you have two choices you can either live or die" Well choose to live. I basically needed GOD to come and slap me in the face saying look what ur doing to yourself. So from November till New Years I became sober. Life at home was hard with out Mattie. Thanksgiving and Christmas that year had been tough. I thank God that I wasnt home for that long period. I had been searching online for dogs because home had not been the same. Told my mom if they wanted me home after college we needed dogs. So my mom tells my dad we are getting a dog actually 2 brother and sister. They arrived home when I came home for Easter. My mom went to pick them up. God was there through it all in the darkest times He was there. When I wanted to give up on myself He was there not giving up on me. I know that because I had God in my life I was able to get through it. I praise God for that because I never wanna be that low again where I have a choice of living or dying. I do remember having on my computer screen these words "What would you do if you knew you couldnt fail" and "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." God took a big stick and wacked me with it to get me back on my feet.

During my time off from school for Christmas break me and a friend go to Nashville TN for a concert and to get away well those months being sober ending real quick. We went on a tour that ended in bar that you got free alcohol so I get a drink and finish it quickly then my friend had the same one but she didnt like it so I finished hers. Then from that day till mid June I went crazy with drinking and rebelled.
At this time my friends or who I thought were friends began to tell lies about the pastor of the church I went to so I really didnt go to church that much during this time because there was big divison and well I began to feel out of place. So I stoped going to FCA and needless to say a group from another church had been started for people my age and older so that was so a GOD thing. I was inluded in stuff

So its my last semester in school and I have my internship and well I have sex with a guy who was alot older then me I was 24 he was 40. Ok yes alcohol was involved. He would call me on his way home from work at like 1 Am then come by the dorm pick me up and we'd go back to his place and have sex then around 4 or 5 hed drop me off and I sneak back up to my room and sleep for a bit then get up the next day mind you I lived on a alcohol free floor. S I had to do the old 1.2.3. sober and walk in the door and hope no one was in the lobby and that they wouldnt ask questions. So this went on awhile. Till I screw up my internship by putting my hand on one of the kids cause the kid had one of those black boots on u get when u mess up ur foot. I was going for the basketball and he was on a swing and his boot hit my head and out of shock I gently put my hand on his shoulder and he goes and tells his mom on me and I nearly lose my internship but because of Gods grace I was able to stay and help organize files in a building that had black mold growing in it. So I was getting more headaches then normal and also getting UTIs alot.

So heres more as the year progressed an old roomate of mine had ticketts to see the Chip and Dales dancers at a strip club in Raligh. So I go and i get plastered forgeting that I have to be up early for basketball scorekeeping. Ya I had a hangover could hardley make it through the first game.

Ok so I tell my friend from FCA that id be at the senior banquette but I never showed up because my the people in my major went to dinner and I had been drinking i didnt go because I had a headache from drinking and they came to my room and give me the gift and I couldnt even look them in the face because I was ashamed of what I had become.

So then the wednesday before for graduation i get a call from the acdemic office or whatever saying I wouldnt be able to get my diploma I could walk with the class but no diploma. The words I so didnt want to hear again my world as knew feel to the ground all hope I had gone all I had worked for gone or so I thought. I would have to go to summer school and make up 2 classes no big deal.

SO its Graduation sunday and my church that week held a Womens Conference and one of the women who lead Maria Durso prayed over me that all alcohol addiction would be no more that I would be completely healed and delievred from it. Leaving that church I saw everyone in white robes as I walked out the doors that day like this door is shut for good.

So I go home and go to LA for my graduation present and my cousins baby shower and I still am drinking. I come back and celbrate my birthday with a friend and get plastered to the point of throwing up. Well my friend was sleeping downstairs and i was up in her bathroom clinging to the toilet never had I been this sick. I was miserable then a women who i talked about earlier gave me another utlimatium I could either stop talking with her all together or I could stop drinking and get my life together so I choose get sober. I got on my knees and asked GOD to take it away completely because I was headed in a bad direction if HE didnt intervene on my behalf. So later on I find out after endoscopy I had GERD which if I continued to drink I would need serious surgery to replace the flap that stops stuff from going in my lungs. SO there you have it my way out. And when I did get tempted in the beggining HE would ever so slightly remind me of lasast time drinking and about it could cause me to have surgery.

Through it all God was there through my rebellion and HE provided ways out. Now its 09 and have a little ovver 3 years of sobriety all thanks to JESUS. He never never gave up on me when I so gave up on myself. He was there waiting for me to come to my senses.

These two songs I really clung to the lyrics and message behind them during this time.
"You never give up on me, No, You never give up on me, Though Im weak You are strong, You told me I still belong, No, You never give up on me." Never Give Up on ME: Josh Bates"

"We live we love, We forgive and never give up, Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above, Today we remember to live and to love."We Live: Supperchick
Some more songs that I clung to through it Casting Crowns Stain Glass Masquerade, Does Anyone Here Her, Love them like JESUS, Praise You in this Storm, Lifesong and Set Me Free this is the was the song that was playing in car ride home from church the day I decided I wanted to live.


I heard this one at my first Casting Crowns concert about her friend who commited suicide and it hit me that He will find me no matter how far I have gone away and hide Hes there
Hold On Nichole Nordeman
It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's endIt will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledgeSo baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day
So hold on Love will find you Hold on He's right behind you now Just turn around And love will find you
It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bedSo baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner?To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it

Thursday, October 15, 2009

WHY


Why is so hard for me to cry. Why do I hold back when its safe to share. When I wont be judged for what I have to say. I shouldnt be scared that Id be hurt. But I guess because of being hurt in the past for speakin up and sharing that holding back nowis a second nature. Yet I act like nothing is wrong yet it is. Because it is so much easier for me to stuff and stuff till the suit case is to heavy to carry. Not good cause when you know you have to let go and trust but still you hold back. I know that if just let it out and not hold back that I would feel better. Why do I hold back from tears. Why do I hold back or pull back from speaking whats on my mind when talking with Hetty @AliveinMe yet talking with her is safe yet in my mind I pull back when tears are close I put up that wall inside as a coping recation. Guess thats why letting go is hard for me to do. I know that there are people out that will not put me down will not turn on me and tell me off. They are all around I just have to be willing to reach out and not be scared of being hurt.
I even sometime hold back from God yet He never holds back from me. He is always there opened armed opened ear. Waiting for me to talk to Him.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Worth it


Is life worth it. Is giving up something you wanted to someone else worth it. Is being sober worth it. Is trusting worth it. Is loving others worth it. AM I worth it. Is faith worth it. Is family worth it. Is troubles and struggles and pain worth. Is hoping worth it. Is praying worth it. Is having Faith in Jesus CHRIST worth it. Yes it is.

Because if we didnt have struggles pain and trials then we wouldnt be a vessel to help others who have similar struggles. In our trial struggles and pains God is right there with us waiting for us to call to HIM. Ready for us to share what He has done for us. Teaching us how to love others and ourselves. Teaching us about forgiving others who have hurt us.

I know right now todya that GOD is my LORD AND SAVIOR. He will get me through my trials no matter what. No matter how far away I am from Him HE is still there. I need to put my total trust in HIM. HE needs to be the center of my attention. No matter what I do He still loves me.

Is going to see Little Big Town worth it when you know you are running on no money. Is it worth all the tiny things that go wrong. Is it worth all the unneeded stress. Is it worth the waiting. Is it worth being stuck on the toilet all night from nerves and stess. Is it worth the butterflies in your stomach. Is it worth staying up over 48 hrs cause you dont want to miss the show. Is it worth being outside in the cold to see them perform worth it. Is it worth being wet and losing a flip flop in the mud at a fair and walking on gros ground with no shoes on. Is barely functioning on little sleep worth it.
Yes it is even if the tiny things go wrong knowing there are four people who so willing to treat you with respect like your part of their faimly they greet you with a big smile and open arms. Whose goal is to make music that will help you forget for the time u are at there concert. they go out of there way to try to make you laugh or smile. And through everything they show Gods love for all. They can be ironic in trial times.

I wanna shout out to some people who are my friends on twitter.
Hetty (@AliveinMe) and Marie (@spreadingjoy) thank you for being so encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for being so opened armed and willing to see the real me. Thank you for not turning on me and puting me down.

Kim (@Fallinrain) thanks for your friendship for the past 11yrs been a great ride.
Thank you to all the people who follow my blog I feel all special now. :)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

whatever

I always seem to bug people or annoy them. I try not to. Maybe it is in my head. I try to relax a really do but cannt . I get so worked up over nothing dont wanna be bug to my friend whose drive today would not be the best way to start a trip.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Girl


The Girl
Who is this girl? What are people going to think of her when they find out who she really is? She was so innocent with her smile. Deep down inside she was scared and afraid of what people might think when the found out she was different from everyone else.She would barley speak.She was tormented by her friends.She had one friend who taught her how to play nicely. You see no one knew the thoughts that were floating in her head.Her parents had no idea what was going on with her.She sits in her room at wishing someone would want invite her to their house.The phone never rang. She’d hear something about the parties and would be hurt and disappointed because no one wanted to be around someone different. They’d give her excuses and lies that later she began to use to protect her from being hurt. She would hide under that smile pretending that everything was ok when it really wasn’t.She knew how to hide she knew how to lie. So began her life behind the mask.She began making excuses why she wouldn’t eat.No one knew the tormenting thoughts she was thinking.Then people began to laugh and make jokes about her.She needed to do something.She began to take on the role of fighting and granny lady. She found a stick and used it as a cane.What would they say now? They had to notice her. So she thought.People did begin to notice her and would talk to her. They still didn’t invite her over to their houses.They had to be nice to her because she would tell on them or hurt them.She was a girl with so many problems and had no one to help her fix them. She played sports just to fit in with the rest of the kids. She used the sports as a way to meet people. She thinks to herself if I’m an athlete then someone has to like me.She found a sport that she liked.She began to use the sport as a way to get out pent up frustrations and anger. She began to have dreams that were so big.Those dreams in the end would die.She always had big dreams that ended up dying.She loved the game so much that when she couldn’t play in high school she was devastated. She asked if she could manage the team instead. She had to be part of the game to survive. She was a nobody with out the game. She gained respect from her peers because of her devotion to the game. She Knew this would get her in with different people. She found something to keep her mind at rest or so she thought.She had something to look forward to. The other escape for her was her dog Mattie. She loved her so much. When she wasn’t playing the sport she was with her dog.When she was away from her dog her heart would ache. What would people say? What would people think of her? How will she go on. How would she react to these people in her new school?Why is everything so hard for this little girl?She was sexually abused by two people she thought were her friends. One happened to be her next door neighbor. She felt like trash. She felt defiled. How could she even tell someone about what happened to her? She didn’t know it was wrong or even rape. How could she know she was a kid in a big girl’s body. She felt dirty and still does knowing she can never get her innocence backCan’t anyone see how she is suffering inside. Of course not she hides it pretty well with that smile of hers. Don’t they know the tormenting thoughts that are running through her head. Oh boy does she have everyone fooled by her fake smile and all those masks she wears. She needed to bring the pain within outward. She needed something to cope.Her relationship with her best friend changed. She was not allowed to spend the night her house anymore.What’s she gonna do now ? How is she gonna deal with it? She stuffs it down inside because processing it would do more harm. Now she had no one to talk to or hang out with. She was all alone again.She had no way out of the tormenting thoughts and the guilt.She was a girl with many problems and no way to deal with them.She felt so alone and hid in her room to get away from everything.She needed to be loved.She needed to be accepted.Her mom was never home. Her dad stayed at home while her mom worked. When her mom came home she would have a glass of wine which back then she had no idea how that would effect her. She had to ask for hugs from her parents. She was never told by her parents that they loved her. Their way was taking her to appointments and taking her to sporting events.She was spiraling downward to a breakdown.She is afraid of making mistakes cause her dad would get mad at her.She wasn’t allowed to cry because only weak people cry or so she was told by her parents. She stuffed and stuffed till she couldn’t stuff anymore.She was a frail little girl with big problems and no way to get to the bottom of the problems. She needed to be accepted by her friends and parents.She had a lot of time alone to think about her problems. She was very shy and had no confidence in her abilities or herself.She was on the outside looking in.She made herself into what people wanted so she could fit in.How were they to know she was just pretending? She wore so many masks to hide the pain. She tried to reach out for help but her parents told you don’t needed to be tough and strong. No one wanted to deal with her not even her parents.Look at her all innocent no one has any idea what she has been through.She looked in the mirror and didn’t like what she saw. All those times of stuffing would end up hunting her.When she went to college her life would be turned upside down and twisted in many directions and its miracle she’s still around?She would end up starting to drink and get high to numb the pain from years of hurt.She was so numb from the pain that she had to do something. Most people in college don’t go through 7 roommate’s in6 years. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most peoples college roommates don’t end up having a asthma attack while in the room their freshman year and have wait for EMS to arrive while trying not to have a complete meltdown. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college dogs don’t die when they are away and are told to just deal with it. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most college people don’t have siblings that have to go to the mental hospital due to not wanting to live. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t wake up and have an out of body experience. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t get so drunk that their body is on fire and they can hardly move and are placed in bed with their friends and find that their friend and boyfriend were having sex while she was in the bed. Wait yes it did it happened to her. The girl used alcohol in college to mask all the pain. She had nothing to look forward to or live for until her friend Kim showed told her about Little Big Town and once she heard them in concert she fell in love with the music and now had something to look forward to. She would end up giving her life to God the day she graduated from college. She also ended a long battle with alcohol and has been sober ever since.

unknown

My bigest fear to start looking for a job now is being verbally abused by coworkers or a boss. Its not an easy thing to move on from. I try not to let it get to me but I can only fake the smile and pretend for so long before I break. I need to begin to let God help me to let go of the things that happened to me at my job. I know what people are gonna say its not your fault and just let go but its complicated. I need to stop wanting to fix it myself but that's all part of an ADD person if you screw up you want to make it right yourself. And if you can't get it right you feel miserable and think your worthless and don't deserve anything at all. Growing up with ADHD I had to make sure things were in order and if I screwed up Id get blamed for it and then feel awful. When your a girl and your different from all the other kids it really does have an affect on you. Trusting people and God is a big problem for me. Because if you were hurt by the people who you thought were your friends not Kim but others then its kind of hard to trust God. Ya but Hes always there waiting for me to come to my senses. People also tell me to be a victor not a victim I'm trying not to be a victim. When you need to feel loved and accepted t sometimes never come by your parents. So when your around people who have that love and accept you you want to hold onto it because it feels safe. And that feeling only last for a little while then you go back to the way things were and that's not so safe. Being around Karen Jimi Kimberly and Phillip make you feel loved, safe and accepted. If you don't feel loved at home or have love for yourself how are you supposed to feel Gods love.Its hard to rely totally on Him when you had to rely on yourself for so long. But I won't give up because I'm not a quitter.

Random facts about me

My real name is Kathleen Elizabeth.
Dont like being called Kathleen at all. I go by Katie
I am a grateful Believer in Jesus Christ.I am a recovering alcoholic.
I stayed back in Kindergarden .
I sleep with my baby blanket and a bear named Freddy James I made in college during a rough 2003.
I used to sleep with another bear named jimi but in charllotesville VA he got bear napped.
I have two best friends Shannon W. and Kim.
Ive Known Kim almost 11 years
Ive known shannon since 2nd grade
My first dog Mattie died when I was away at college my 1st semester of my senoir year.
I have three dogs Teddy Thumper and Bailey.
I call them the west virginia family. Teddy and thumper are brother and sister and Baileys their baby.I go to Church of the Redeemer.
I love going on trips to see Little Big Town with Kim. Ive seen Little Big Town 36 times in a little over 3 years. In 10 months just this year alone I have seen Little Big Town 11 times
My all time favorite movie is Beaches.
My current favorite movies would be Facing the Giants Fireproof Flywheel.
My favorite tv shows growing up would be Touched by an Angel and Welcome to Pooh Corner.
My current favorite tv shows NCIS, Greys Antomy, and Extreme House Makeover Sue FBEYE Psych, Leverage, Closer, Royal Pains HGTV.
Favorite Little Big Town Songs: Love Profound, Evangeline, Vapor, Bring it on Home, Stay, Lost, Bones, Only What You Make of It and Im with the Band Life Rolls On.
Favorite Christian bands or artists TobyMac, Casting Crowns, Jeremy Camp, Matthew West Chris and Conrad, Julian Drive, natalie Grant, and Jars of Clay.
Favorite Little Big Town femal memember Kimberly sorry Karen you got the boot.Favorite Little Big Town guy memember would be Phillip sorry Jimi you havent stepped up your game yet.
I used to manage my high school girls basketball teams fresmen jv and varsity.
I have some cool friends kim and shannon. Sue, Lauren its weird how God places people in your life when you need them i'll never forget what you did for me, Mary Anne, Michelle.
Hetty and Marie Im so blessed God connected us He works in marvelus ways.
When I first entered barton College I majored in Sports Management then changed to Undecided before settling with Criminal Justice and Criminology.
I like Ledos Pizza.
The longest Ive been up was 48 hours due to a project for a memeber of Little Big Town and then not wanting to miss said concert.
In Highschool I went by kdogg.
In college people called me crazykatie cause id walk run down the halls act wild.
In my Sophmore year of college I broke my tailbone and chipped part of the bone too.
SO embaracing goin to class with a blue donout pillow.
To this day I still have pains from it.
When I went to Girl Scott Camp I got stung by a bee on my top lip.
I love MCDonalds sweet tea
I love starbucks fraps and lattes
I collect shot glasses from states I visted or just cause they look cool.