Friday, September 18, 2009
Ok so let me first start off by telling about my past. During my freshman year of college I did the whole getting drunk and high thing. I would pretend to be someone who I wasn’t I would hide my feelings from people and God. So on Wednesday nights I would go with my so called friends to the club and before Id even get there my friends and I at the time got tipsy and got high. So I would have a good time. I would dance and get up on guys and they would egg me on. Ok know this incident happened second semester my freshman year. It’s the middle of night and I’m sleeping and I hear my second roommate began having trouble breathing at the time she told me to go get my friends so they could be in there with her. So I go and get them and then go and went down to meet the paramedics but the scary thing was that I don’t even remember touching the steps. When the paramedics came I started to shake in the corner of my room away people. When I went down the steps it was as if this force was with me. At that time I did not believe in God I knew He existed I would go to church but just go through the motions. Then my sophomore year was the same I’d go out and get drunk and high but this time it was with a different group of people. So this was the year of the Sniper in Dc. I was freaked out about that because I lived near those places that people got killed. During the first semester of my sophomore year I had gone over to my x friend’s boyfriend’s house to hang out. Well I had a little too much to drink and was a little high. Ok lets begin with this it was a Saturday night and we are both Catholic so we went to church. So as the night progressed it was assumed that I would stay the night with my friend and her boyfriend. But that did not happen because a man who we did not know came into the room asking to use the phone well on the phone the guy said he had a gun so I began to freak out and began to say the Our Father the Glory Be and the Guardian Angel prayer, because I was scared for my life. So the next thing that happened was that my x friends boyfriend and his friend didn’t want this guy in the house so they started fighting once the fight began I curled up in a ball next to my x friend and she comforted me. Well as the fight was going on I blacked out it was like some force was protecting me from harm. And now I realize that it was God holding me and protecting me. At the time I was just scared and did not believe that God is a protector. When I was in that black out my mind went to another place my body was in the room but my spirit wasn’t. The next thing that happened to me that year was that I went to a party and well at this party I got totally messed up. I had two bottles of Boone’s farm and a sip of sky blue and a shot of tequila and I smoked some pot as well. Well by 10 at night I began to feel horrible I could not move any of my body. I felt like I was on fire my so called friends had to help me to the bed and to the bathroom. I couldn’t speak so I was mumbling things I thought I was going to die. But the Lord was with me even though I didn’t notice He was there. Ok well the next day I went back to my dorm and well I felt horrible still. My x friend told me she didn’t want to be around me and needed her space. Well then my two other friends came in my room to check up on me. They told me that I did not have to drink in order to fit in. It felt good to know that. But I still didn’t believe it I still thought I had to prove myself to people in order to fit in. I was just seeking attention. But that just got me in trouble. My x friend told me one night when I was in her room that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. That hurt so much it tore a piece out of my heart. But then I went to my friend’s room and told them what happened and they comforted me. This thing was just another fork in the road but it made me depressed. One of my friends told me about FCA and said I should go and I went and had a good time. At first it was strange seeing all the people worship God. I was surprised to see all those people who loved God. Well there is still more that happened that year. Well so I thought I had learned my lesson before with getting to close to a friend well I didn’t. She left school for personal reasons but when she left another part of my heart was ripped out. When she left I began to hate life I wanted give up on it. So I began to put myself down and close my soul and began be supper negative. Ok know this is the summer of my junior year and I had to go to summer school. I was not too happy. Well when your brother has graduation on your birthday and then the next day you have to go to summer school you wouldn’t be happy either. So I decided since it was my 21st birthday I decided to get a 24 pack of Smirnoff the first two weeks I went threw a whole box. Then I went back and got another 24 pack but this time I didn’t finish it off. Well this is so weird. I was sleeping one night and all the sudden I had an out of body experience and I was floating around the room and I saw all the empty bottles of beer. And I think that God was telling me something but I didn’t listen. Well the reason I came back to my body was that I whispered His name and told Him I needed Him in my life. Then a few days passed and got this feeling that I should pour the beer down the drain so I did that. In the beginning of my junior year I went back to drinking and getting high. I still hadn’t figured out why I drank. My thinking at that time was that since FCA hadn’t started then it was ok to drink and get high. But that wasn’t a good enough reason. So once FCA started I got to meet some awesome people who helped me see things differently. I meet someone who had an impact on my life. In February of that year I went to an FCA retreat and I gave my life to God. Well sort of because I was still going to restaurants and drinking. I still pretended to be someone who I wasn’t. Ok so its spring break of that year and well I was over at my friends house and we went to CVS to pick up some medication for her and she told me that she was having a panic attack and I began to think of what to do I told her to finish paying for the items and gave her some chocolate that I had. All I could think of at the time was how can I get her mind off of this. So I told her to hold on to the cart and I helped her. I didn’t like seeing her like that. I just stood with her till she was able to go home. I stayed with her that night and I let her cry on my shoulder. Her mom was to busy to even care about help her. So the next day I was coming off the adrenalin rush from the day before I had no one to talk to and was worried about her and so I went and emailed and old friend. The friend had a hard time accepting the fact that I had told this person so we stopped being friends. It hurt a lot because we had been friends since high school. Then this friend from FCA told me that I did not have to pretend to be some on who I wasn’t. She said for me to stop putting myself down. I didn’t think anyone noticed that. She helped to look in the mirror and say that I’m smart and that God loves me. I didn’t see that before. But I still struggled with my self image. My faith was put to the test when my roommate that year told me she didn’t need me. When I heard that my heart felt like it was ripped apart. I felt so helpless. I then started praying to God for help and He gave me the words I needed. He told me to tell her about HIM and I did and it felt awesome. Ok know this is summer of my 4th year at college and well I was heavily into drinking I would buy a six pack of Smirnoff and go through it in like 2 weeks. I would drink at night. I still had no idea why I drank. At the beach I would drink and I would feel good. But what I didn’t realize was that something was missing and I was getting sucked into a hole. At the end of the summer I decided that I would stop drinking after my friends nephews baptism. That weekend I had drunk a two 6 packs of beer. On the actual day of the baptism I had drunk a whole 6 pack within like a 3 hour period. My thinking was that if I’m going to stop then why not have as much as I can. I was a bad sight. I was being bossy to my friend. I was not thinking at all. I decided that night that I was going to stop drinking. So when I got back to my house I went to my room and I prayed to God and I gave the alcohol problem to God. I told Him I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. I was at peace for once. I then began to think of why I drank and then it hit me I drank because I hated myself and hated who I was. God has given me the strength to avoid drinking. Ok it’s two weeks into my 4th year at college and I was still doubting myself. I hated school things were falling apart I was becoming seriously depressed. I had no hope, and felt trapped. I could not see the light. I began to cut myself off from my friends. I hid from the world and from God. I was hurting so bad inside that decided I needed to release it somehow. I found a lighter that I had and let it got hot enough and press it down on my skin till it left a mark and I have two scares from it. After that happened I decided I needed help so I found a therapist to talk to and she is helping me through it. I told my friends about it and they told me that I need to put my trust in the Lord and ever since I have changed. The Lord changed my heart. I now am not afraid to give God my all. That weekend I went to the House Party Concert and it changed my life. I met some awesome people that day. I began to see that God alone is in control and I needed to trust Him. After that I changed churches I had been going to a Catholic Church and then began to go to New Beginnings and my life was changed. I haven’t touched alcohol in almost 4 months. God has changed my heart.