Friday, April 30, 2010

Beautiful SAY WHAT

This song I found sunday watching the Dove awards. Something about this song hit me maybe it was the opening line "Don't know how it is YOU looked at me/ And saw the person I could be/ Awakening my heart/ Breaking through the dark/ Suddenly YOUR grace Like sunlight burning at midnight / Making my life something so / beautiful, beautiful/ Mercy reaching to save me/ All that I need/ YOU are so BEAUTIFUL, BEUTIFUL" Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli

WOW I was blown away. I mean really HE thinks Im beautiful. DUDE that rocks. After years of not getting the whole thing with GOD now I get it. I think it happened when I went to see Natalie Grant in concert. But there is a change in me something that has been gone for a long time. At the end of the concert Natalie started praying and then everyone took hands of the person next to you. I felt these hands on the back of my shoulders. Then things changed I felt lighter. That night I also fell off the bed at the hotel and hit my head and messed up my neck then me and my friend got in trouble with hotel cause we were being loud. So it kinda bugged me but I didnt let it ruin my weekend. SO last monday came around and I had this huge smile on my face that hasnt been there in a while everyone was telling me that I looked happy. So WED came and in my group time we did an activity and had free talk at the end and I shared about my moms drinking that was the first time I talked about it to people who I didnt know and shared. I shared about my sobriety as well. Which is a big thing for me because I was all closed didnt want other people to know how bad it is at home at times but something in me told me to open up and let go and I did. Because I am good at putting up fronts and hiding how I really felt inside. Once I owned up and said that then another wieght had lifted. I also set up an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in adult ADHD. I realized that it is not fair for me to have all this anger and I need to deal with it before its too late. But GOD doesn't see me as women with ADHD HES sees me as HIS child and beautiful. I may not think its true. BUT sure is. And I may forget that sometimes but when I hear this song I just smile and thank GOD HE sees me that way.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Blinded to what was going on now new outlook

About three weeks ago I absolutely hated every part of going to EDS I was all about what is the point of this. How will it benefit me how will this help me and my anger problems and all the stuff that went on at work that I was carrying on my back into the classroom.

Then the week I that was supposed to be my last day at EDS found out that my counselor quit and left me hanging. So that set off some emotions and other things that were not fine came to the for front and hit with a vengeance's. I didn't know that I was so self centered then. I didn't think i could give anything. But in reality I had loads to give to others and at that point I had so much anger towards the program. But then I had to step away and look at a different way people were thanking me for helping them with computer problems and other things as well since I was the veteran of sorts I knew what was expected and had found my place and figured out that I was completely blinded to by me and only me that I had to step away and take a look at it differently. Because when you a person with disabilities and your counselor who is supposed to get in touch with you and you can't get a hold of them you wonder if things will ever change and that you were being tossed around again. And that is no fun and by law stated in my IPE i was granted 6weeks of EDS not 3 and come to find out that my counselor changed my plan without my knowledge if I hadn't been in EDS then I would not have meet all the people and touched peoples lives and I would have not known what to do about my counselor. This happened all in a 4 day period no one would give answers until the group leader who worked for DORS stepped in and called the head boss and things got sorted out. And I am so grateful for that. I'm also grateful that this person handed me a persons name who was a counselor for adults with ADHD and so I emailed her and now will go meet her in two weeks to get my life back. Because it is not fair to me to hold onto all this anger and all the other emotions of being an Adult with ADHD. Then last Monday I walked into the classroom and had the biggest smile I have for the first time in a while and it felt great. It was like this weight had been lifted and it had because I was able to do things that would help me be successful and taught me to take a stand for me. And it was all GODS doing.