Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Little Big Town


So next week I go away to VA to see my favorite band Little Big Town. So very excited about this trip its been 2 months since Ive last time Ive seen them. Its wierd cause 3yrs ago I would never have thought about the whole following a band around. But now its like if they are anywhere close meaning at least 8hrs a way I go. I would have never expected to go on a wild ride. To put it blunt God has been a part of this in big ways. I would have never expected that me Katie would love the rush I get at the concert and how I just go to another place in my mind where I forget how bad my head hurts or that theres was little things that went wrong and just deisappear. I call it the Land of Little Big Town. God just pulls all stops whether at the concert at a meet and greet before the shows after the shows. God always makes Himself known at the shows. Even if I try to shake it off. My shirt says Im One Of Them and on the back it say LBT DORK. I have seen them about 33 times in 3 years. I dont know where I would be if they didnt come into my life.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Home

Home is supposed to be a safe place. A place where you feel confortable and where you dont have to be afaid.
Well I have 3 yrs of sobriety and am currently living at home with my alcoholic parents. Wait red flag. You heard me live in alcoholic and sober. You ask how can I get by. I get by only with Gods help. it is very tough to see the people you love wasting away and you judt want to shake them and say look what your doing not only are you hurting yourself your hurting the people that love you. You say how can you deal with it. I suck it up and take it cause I have to. I stuff it inside and hope that the pain will go away. Sometimes I even blame myself for my moms drinkin but then I change my thinkin. You think how am I still sober I remind myself of how I was when I wasnt and then Praise God for my sobriety. Its bad when they pick on me when they drink. You say Im strong maybe but I have to be inorder to survive at home. You say why dont I move out. Its way to expensive in MD to live in an appartment. So I deal with it because I have to. But God gets me through it and Im glad I have Him in my life now.

Friday, June 26, 2009

just thoughts

When things get bad where do you run. Do you run a way from the problem or do hold you ground and fight with all you got. Do you run to God. Or are you like me and stuff problems down till you cannt stuff anymore. Do you act all tough like it doesnt bug you at all. When in reality it hurts so much that you just want the pain to be gone. do you run to the bottle for confort and support.

God wants us to run to Him at all times in the good and bad and in between. He wants us to let our guards down and begin to trust Him. He wont fight back. He wont put you down or make you feel awful. He will love you no matter what you did or didnt do.

At one period in my life I did not love myself. I would not look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. But then once I had accepted God in my life and really understood that He loves me was slowly able to look at myself in the mirror and not think I was dirt. But I began to say God loves me Katie and for awhile I believed it then stuff happened and pushed God to the side but He never stopped loving me. So I guess I dont need to act tough and just let God work in me and through me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Heart Check

Ok so this mightt sound odd but does your room or rooms in your house or desk messy? Well I was think that my room is a war zone. It looks like a bomb exploded. But I was thinking about this that when my life seems out of control and I want to control something so I let everything pile up. Like stuffing my problems in a sense. Because I stuff and stuff till I cannt stuff no more then explode or comin to my end in a sense. So does that mean your heart isnt right or does that mean you need God to control your life and let go and clean up. But where to start when your room or heart is so stuffed that letting go is difficult. You try to take out the trash but then once the trash is gone what next. DO you go back to how it once was or do you continue hoping as you clean up thinngs will be easier. Maybe I want my room to be a mess because inside Im a mess. But the cool thing is I got God on my side to help me begin to let the trash out of my life. Maybe then I can begin to clean the clutter in my room and throw away stuff that I dont need. The thing is people like order and in an odd way my room being a mess gives me order in my life odd but true. But God has Saved me from myself so Im gonna move on and start to get the help I need so I can get on with my life and really live. OKAY Here I GO IM READY LORD TAkE CONTROL.

Unknown

So for some reason today I really am getting a little bit depressed about my money running out in a month or two maybe longer then I think. I think it scares me to even begin to look for work because of how I was treated at past jobs and the fact that I havent held a job for more then a couple months or even weeks at a time. I am always afraid of screwin up and then getting talked to the boss. Oh wait did I mention the emotional verbal abuse that I fear might happen again. Or the thought of being laughed at for my work habbits. I try to hide the fact that I have ADHD because I dont want to be treated differently. I dont want to settle for a job because I need the money or because the health benifits are good and sound too good to be true. When i make a mistake at work you know whatruns through my mind your worthless, you cannt do anything right, why do you even bother cause your no good, your stupid, my favorite your not good enough, and so on and so forth. Then begins the viscious cycle of depression anger and wanting a different life or even numbing out or self injuring myself because I hated myself. I dont know if can say that I its gone no the anger and depression is still here. Can I say the self hate is sgone no its stil come up everyknow and again. But I can say I am learning to love myself and push away those self bashing. And I think God is helpin me grow even more each day. The other day was the first day in a couple of weeks that I actually felt excited to be alive and had energy. I have not had the energy to do much of anything lately. Maybe a self pitty party or maybe just bad depression that keeps comin back. Lately I find myself on the really tough days wanting to numb out with a cold beer but that would be the easy way out and I aint no quiter. Im so glad I have people out there praying for me and encouraging me through these last few weeks. I want to be happy and not feel like everything is crumbling down inside. I want to let go but have trouble. But in due time I will and I will be really free. I hate not being able to feel at all and being so numb that I want the pain inside to show outside. Im gonna hold on to GOD and trust theres somethin better out there for me. And maybe that will give me hope that the right job for me is out there Im just not where I want to be but am where God wants me. Guess thats okay with me.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pretending


When you were younger did you used to pretend that you were a King and Queen or were a night coming to the rescue? In grade school growin up I pretended to be granny lady. Id walk all hunched over anduse a stick as a cane. I thought maybe people would notice me and want to talk to me. They saw me as a silly girl who didnt know how to behave normal. I didnt want them to see the real me. I was ashamed of having ADHD and a Learning Disability. I didnt want people to see that I was struggling each and everyday. That I hated me. I pretended to be someone who I grew to hate and maybe there is still a little part that hates it. I had no clue of how to behave or even act. I was suupposed to be good and sit still and keep my mouth shut oh wait ya I couldnt. In first grade I had to start takin meds for my ADD. Got made fun of because I had to go to the office after lunch to get meds. I also got made fun of because Id have to go to another school to get speach and language. So it became an act Id pretend to be happy Id act like everythin was ok when inside I was dying. Because why show people that I hate myself. I promised myself I would never drink and get high but I got to college and wanted to fit in. So yet again I begain to pretend I was good. Hey people where talkin to me so why not pretend more. Hey got the name crazy freakin Katie. So I figured I needed to live up to that name. Id run down the hallways pace the halls. I hated myself so bad that even the alcohol and pot wasnt cutting it. I was going to mass as much couldnt find what I was missing. Id say to myself your worthless, you dont deserve anything, your stupid, you cannt even do anything right, you are pathetic. Id tear myself apart and destroy my self. Who wanted to love me or even be my friend because I couldnt keep friends theyd always find reasons to back away or treat me like dirt how was I not supposed to pretend I was ok. I wanted the pain inside to stop. I wanted it to show outside so I began burnin myself with lighter. Then my friend found out and they gave me an ultimatium want to live or die. I wanted to live. But didnt know how I was gonna stop pretending. I found GOD in 03. Had no idea what the deal was but it had to be better then how I was surviving. I had no ideaa it would change my life. I had no idea church could be fun. Im tired of pretend everything is ok when its not. I want ot be real and not pretend anymore. Its very hard but Im gonna start and not pretend. GOD been there through it all. I just was blind and was caught up in how bad it was inside me that I couldnt see Him workin. Im gonna try not to pretend anymore and just live my life.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dogs




I have 3 dogs maltese two are brother and sister and the other is their son. There names are Thumper Marie she used to thump her foot when you scracthed her she also is ocd and likes to nibble on blankets highly annoying but I love her. Then theres Theodore James teddy for short he is like a teddy bear barks at himself in the mirror. Then theres my little boy Bailey James he is my little buddy he barks alot think he might have dog ADD he wants to be the center of attention. But when I haven a bad day they are right by my side ready to greet me and give kisses. Even if Im mean to them yell at them they still love me they still wag their tails and love on me. Sometimes I think did they get there little stuff from me.

Its the same way with God in a sense no matter what we do God will still love us. Hes not gonna leave us stranded. He will always be there waiting for us. God will never not love us. We could be mad and angry at Him but Hes still gonna love us. We could be broken inside Hes still gonna love us. His love is always there we may not see it but its there. Hes waiting for us to come to Him so He can love on us. I wanna be surrounded by His love.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Before I came to Christ

It started off the second semester of my sophmore year. I was at a party with someone who I thought at that time was my friend for a girls birthday. I was at the party because I was supposed to go home with Kim for the weekend and I didn't because it was supposed to snow and my parents didn't want me to come home. So I said what the heck I'll get plasterd. So I did. I had way to much to drink and prolly blacked out too. But I was fighting a cold at the time also. So my body became on fire and I couldn't move at all. My one friend and her guy friend had to walk me to the bedroom since I could not move anything. Then when my so called friend went to bed she had sex in the bed with her boyfriend while I was sleeping in the bed with them. I had no clue until the next day when some one told me. So a few days goes by and I go to see her and I was given a note of all things. In the note she proceeded to tell me that she DID NOT want to be friends with me anymore. What blow. I shared a lot of things about my past with her and she goes and says she DOES NOT want to be friends with me anymore. Man my world began to crumble within seconds...

Well it did and the one girl whose birthday it was there for me. After reading the letter I felt my heart just break and at that time I thought nothing or no one could fill that hole in my heart. I took the elvator to her room and there I cried in front of someone who would end up teaching me aabout Christ. my friend then began to comfort me and she told me that I didn't need to drink and get high to be friends with her she liked me for who I was an dthat mad me feel a little better. But her roomate was a Christian and she had Bible verses taped to the walls I found that strange at the time but i began to read some and began to feel a little better that I was better off not being around her. And she was right about that. My friends roomate then invited me to an FCA meeting. When I was a freshman I thought it was a joke and stupid but it wasn't at all it was where I learned about Christianity and that I needed Jesus. After I calmed down a bit I called Kim and told her about what happened. She came down from where she went to school to pick me up so I wouldn't be alone on the weekend. Thats where I heard my first worship song she took me to church with her.

So then I got close with a girl from across the hall and we got a long great then she left and I had no one to keep me sane. She was cool she made me laugh and we eventually became roomates the next year. But when she left I had no one to really talk to and I became really depressed. I began to think how stupid I was and all the talk in the head and I wanted the pain inside to be outside. So I went to the counselor on campous and she sent me to a pscyitrist at the mental hospital she gave me anti depressants and anti anxity meds. I was a mess. I missed classes I was drinking and going to the frat house and getting high. I'd walk in to the dorm and have to say 1.2.3 sober so I could walk to the elvator so no one would catch me. Theyed lock me in my room.

So then the end of the year comes and I have to do summer school. I was not happy. At that time I still hadn't acceted Christ into my life. So of course my 21st birthday had to be the day before my brothers Highschool graduation so I really didn't get to celbrate it. So the day after my brothers gradeuation from high school I had to go back to school. So me being the smart one went and bought a 24 pack of beer and some boones farm. And Id have one or two a day but this particular day I took my zanez and I think I drank after taking it but I really don't remember. So I fell a sleep and I believe I may have blacked out and was in a small coma because the next thing I know Im over top of my body just hovering over the mess and the empty bottles. And then I then cell phone rang and I was up. But I believe God was showing me that I needed to stop or this is how I'll be the rest of my life. It was very scarey. After that I stopped taking the zanex. Well I could get a ride to get my anti-depressant so that was another reason why I stoped taking it. Also that summer I had to go to the emergency room because I had a sever migrain where I could move my neck or any part of my body. The other time was because I had a serious kidney infection.

Then my Junior year when I was on my fall break my mom comes in my room around 4 am and says they are taking my brother to the hospital. At that time I had no idea at that time he was in a mental hospital. So my parents came home and my brother did not and that kinda scared me. I asked where he was and they told me he tried to kill himself and so I really didn't have a fall break. My parents where with him almost the whole time I was home. That was a big kick in the butt for me. My little brother was hurting and I couldn't do anything about it. So I go back to school with out seeing my brother and that week my proffesor took us to a fedral penitentary. And we went through the mental hospital and that brought back the memory of my mom coming in my room telling me about my brother. So that made me shut down and not want to see anyone or go on medicine. Or that may have been my mind making the decision.
I started to attend FCA weekly and meet some Christian friends.

So around the end of that year my roomate gets in car reck and she was ok but she ended up leaving school for the weekend. I was so scared she wasn't gonna come back. She did but she was a different person after that. She left me before and left me a mess and I was afraid she was gonna leave for good and I couldn't handle that.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Boxes in Life

Today we live in a society that is on the go. We want things right then and there. We want things right now this second.. We want to hear from friends and family right now. But it doesnt happen like that. Because it is all in Gods own timing. We think that being on the go all the time will get us through but it wont you end up flat on your face wondering where did you go wrong what did you do to get here. So you put yourself in a box and tape it shut so no one can get in. You think that God doesnt care and wont get in the box with you. But He is the box with you trying to cut the tape to free you completely. But we think we can fix ourselves but we cannt. We need Jesus to be the Center of our focus so He can begin to breakdown the box we put ourselves in. When we begin to put our trust in God own timing and seek Him, He will make things work out in His own timing.

I am beginingto figure that out. He wants me to seek Him first not others not matrial things not music just Him. He wants all of me not just bits and pieces. I thought that I could fix stuff myself but then I hit bottom and He was there and helped me up and fixed the cuts and bruises. I wanted friends to help me but friends fail you and God will not. God will not abandon me or throw me on street corner like trash. I thank all my twitter family for praying for me through the bumps in the road. If it wasnt for twitter I wouldnt know the length of Gods love for me. And Im so grateful for all of you guys. God is really showing me a love that I dont get at home. But He is now my Center. He is all I ever need. Hes all I ever wanted. Funny how He uses ordinary people to help you along the way giving you encouragement. I wouldnt never have believed that I could forgive myself and others if it wasnt for His intervention. So glad He came to my rescue and saved me. So I am gonna trust Him right now even if things get rocky and I stumble and fall off course because He is right there beside me holding onto me. He wont let go of me. Im ready for this ride. So here I go Im Holding on to God and Hes holding onto me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Real Me

video

Im showin people who I never met before the real me when friends and family dont usually see the real me . But through God I am able to show off the real me and not pretend to be someone who Im not. God sees the real me. Its ok to be me and I have to not think I need to be different when Im around different people so they dont see my ADHD and out of control.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Love Her Like Jesus

video

God Loves me and Saved me. So Im saring pictures of me growin up. The song I choose was Love Her Like Jesus/ Does Anyone Hear Her By Casting Crowns. It starts of with baby pictures then goes into adulthood where I was searching for love and in 03 I found that love in Christ. Some pictures are of hard times but we all go through them. The Does anyone hear her was a song that got me and still does. Cause I used to be so depressed that I was so numb inside to thepoint of self hatered. So this song was like a cry out to everyone sayin dont you see that im barely existing and need encouragement. But then I found God and He was the only one who really heard me and still hears me.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Family and Friends over the years

video

Thank you Lord for Saving and providing me with friends and family. The song I choose for this video was Only What You Make of It by little big town. I choose this song because it fits my life in so many ways. We all need to make the most of situation even if they are hard and we want to run away. It is always worth it in the end. Yes some of the people in the pictures are no longer friends but I always found away to make the most of my life even when i was so numb and completly hated myself for who I was and what I was becoming. I look back and think I had to face thoseor I wouldnt be the person I am today. All thanks to GOD.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Fightin


Im alittle stuck.
Who would have thought when I was first born that I would have to fight just to make it in the world.
There is a fight goin on in me that keeps me from what is important. It is like some is wrippin at my heart and tearin it to pieces. I wanna let go and give it all to God but I keep taken it back cause its safe. I hate it. I know things would be easier and Id feel better if I could just let go. But not sure how. Since in my mind Dont give up Dont ever give up was ingrained in my head growing up. And then also dont cry only whimps cry be strong. Tough. I'll keep trustin God that He will help me release it once and for all.

The Bottle




The Bottle


We all have bottles in out life some filled to the top with pains and what not.


This bottle in a sense is alcohol. I used it to numb out and just to relax. It was my only reliable friend in colllege. Never hurt me may have made me sick the next day. But the pain was still their. We use the bottle to hide things even though its not really hidden. GOD sees everything. We wanna hide cause were scared but Hes always there waiting for us. Calling out to us. We just need to empty the bottle and let Him fill it. easier said then done.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

needed


There is always parts of us that want to be wanted or needed. At home growing up as a child you want to be loved and accepted for who you are and not because your different. In school you want people to like you and not pick on you cause you dont know how to act around people. You feel like you dont matter and that you just might as well disapear and not exisit. You put up fronts and start lieng and saying things so you can fit in doesnt get you anywhere at all. You put up fronts acting like your ok and what does that get you no where. You put yourself out there and then you still get treated like dirt. You begin to feel like dirt and worthless. You wish you could be different so you can fit in. You want to be different and you want the ADD to go away but it will never go away. Your in for a fight for your life. I was diagnosed when I was in 1st grade and everyone made fun of me cause I had no selfcontrol. I did not know how to act around my peers yet alone function in a classroom. On somedays I can be all focused and then its like I cannt get anythin done and Im on meds for the hyper activity and it doesnt work. Try fitting in when at lunchtime during recess you have to go to the office to get your meds that make you feel awful that kinda work. You act like everything is fine and dandy but inside your torn up because you hate yourself for not bein able to keep ur mouth shut in class or having ur legs start shaking and get yelled at and sent to the displanrian because you cannt control it. You feel like why are you even here cause its a struggle to make it through your classes and barely scrap by highschool and barley get through college. It sucks to be ADD sometimes because I cannt control what Im gonna say sometimes and I stare at people sometimes and then get made fun of. You begin the process of shuttin down and stuffing till you cannt stuff no more. So you begin to do to yourself what others did to you. You start tearing you self down. Sayin look how pathetic you are. And then you get to a point where you cannt look at yourself in the mirror anymore because you absolutely hate yourself so much and are disgusted. You use drugs and alcohol to numb out and when that doesnt work you start scratching and burningbecause you want what is inside to be outside too.


God always needs us and wants us takes time to figure out but once we do its an awesome feelin to know you are worth it. You arent dirt to GOD. God finds you important and special. He love you when you cannt even love yourself. He forgives you when you cannt forgive yourself.

He loves you no matter what you did,

Thursday, June 4, 2009

random

No matter how crazy and withdrawn from life God never with drawls from us.
When our life is so busy we just need to stop and thank GOD for the day and it will seem less busy.
Sometimes it gets confusing that I don't know where I am.
Sometimes our lives get so mixed up and confusing and we dont know where we are but there is one who knows where we are and can help us remember who He. HE is LORD AND SAVIOR.



We take risk everyday of our lives even though it may not seem like it. Like driving your car is a risk. And crossing the street at a crosswalk. YOu take risk when you make new friends. You risk being hurt or rejected by the ones you care about.You risk being let down when something you believe in might come true. You risk being mocked or laughed at. YOu take risks at work

Sometimes it gets confusing that I don't know where I am but I always know who Im with Im with the bad. This is such a true statement because life may get so mixed up and when I go to a Littl Big Town concert all the trouble that happpene just seems to melt away because Im with the band. They make you feel like you are part of there family and that you are worth it.

And the smile that your wearin is just a lovely veil for the secrets that your hiding that are just to dark to tell. Everyone has a secret that they hiding. This is such a powerful song because it talks about abuse. You do not have to be struck to be abuse it can come from emotional and verbal.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Funny How God works


Shirt says Im one of them on Back LBT DORK

Its funny how God works sometime when you go through stuff He always seems to know whats needed. Last April at a Little Big Town Concert in PA me and a friend had gotten lost so many times that trip and went to see if we got a meet and greet and there was non available so we drove around for awhile and told GOD that we were gonna trust Him and Praise Him no matter what happens. SO we get back to the venue and some guy from the radio stations comes over and asks if we ever meet Little Big Town and we said lots of times 31 as of now then He proceeded to ask do you wanna meet them again and we were like of course then I jumped out of my chair and shoot at a bar type place Thank You Jesus. And was in total shock and disbeliefe. Sonce I was also in pain do to a electric door closing on my shoulder.


Because a Year ago this week I was litteraly at the end of myself and had no hope left and no one who I reached out to seemed to give a hoot. So He knew that I was going in the same direction as last year so He said I will send someone who is in Love with Him and who wont pull me under like a railroad train. So I decided to follow Hetty on twitter and now I am very greatful for the connection because this week was a struggle was able to make it out stronger in Him because of His blessing.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

God is good

I am free and happy cause God broke the walls of my heart that I had closed and chained up.

When I was at my end in summer of 08


I’m gonna start from the beginning.
Before I decided to go to CMA fan fest with Kim I began to scratch myself again because I was hurting on the inside so bad that I needed to feel the pain outside too. At the time I was reaching out to people in my group but no one seemed to care that I was really so far gone that God would have to reach down hit me on the head and change me in order to want to go on living. I had no hope left I was pushing people away even Kim. I was isolating myself from the world. I also began to stop eating 2 times a day. But that didn’t last long cause my boss at work made sure I ate my lunch. I was going down fast and hard. My life was spiraling downwards into the pit and I was barely holding on. No one seemed to care that I was slipping away. I wasn’t talking to anyone. I really was on bad terms with myself. I needed to get away and see if I could figure out some of this on my own so I called up Kim in the beginning of April to go to CMA fan fest with her from June 1st to the 10th. I really felt a pull to go. I needed to get away from work, my home, and life in general. I thought it was a good idea at the time to get away. People in my Recovery group told me it would be a bad idea for me to go to Nashville with Kim. They said you would be running away from your problems and when you come back they’d still be there. I of course did not listen to them and would latter regret it. I thought at the time I was going to get the $600 from the stimulus plan but only received $300. The $600 was supposed to help pay for my half of the trip. So while this was going on at work I was getting picked on by the person who I was working for. I was told I couldn’t listen to music while I was doing my work. I was getting attacked by the stapler and the hole puncher stupid but made people wonder what was wrong with me. So its 2 weeks before I go on my trip and I begin to have these horrible headaches that would literally cause me mass amounts of pain that wiped me out. So I went to the Dr. and they told me to go get an MRI. So at the time I asked my mother if she would go with me and she said she was very busy and didn’t want to go. I was very hurt because I needed her there with me so I wouldn’t get scared. I told my leader of my group what happened and she was able to go with me and sit with me while I was going through the MRI. Which was supper nice of her. It wasn’t until my birthday on May 31st that I told my mom I was going to Nashville the worst decision ever. I was gonna go and no one was gonna stop me. I upset her and she was disappointed in me. That was the worst feeling in the world knowing that my own mother was disappointed. My birthday absolutely sucked. Ya I got what I wanted. I wanted my mom to spend the day with me. But oh no she and my dad had to go to their godsons graduation. That made me feel like I was worthless that I wasnt important to them. It made me feel like I didn’t matter. Which is a great way to start a vacation? On top of that I was starting to get sick which I had no idea about till latter sinus infection and serious case of bronchits. So now we are in Nashville and we go to a celebrity bowling event for St. Judes hospital. It was ok but I got another headache. I got to give my gift that I made to little big town. I even got to talk to my favorite one Karen and she told me that everything was gonna be fine and that I needed to pray and stay strong. That made me feel better. I was silly enough not to wear sun screen so my first sunburn on the first day of the trip what a great way to start the trip. We went a toured the city the next day and got burnt. We were waiting for Wednesday to come because that was the big day when Kim would give them her surprise. She got a group of people together to donate money to world vision for music supplies in the name of each band member. The big day… So we get in the venue and make are way up to the front of the stage and Kim tells me she can’t find her ticket so she starts freaking out and I give her mine because I knew she really needed it more then me. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make. She was becoming distraught and I was getting very annoyed cause she wouldn’t take the ticket. She eventually took the ticket though. I was able to meet them to due to a very nice girl who offered me her ticket. I was shocked that someone would do that for me. I was so blessed because she was so nice to me. We actually were joking and what not. I was enjoying myself and not thinking about how bad my head hurt. I had gotten the news that everything was fine. I knew what I had to do. I decided to make a sign for the girl and have little big town sign it and then send it to her. We found that Little Big Town would be doing a signing on Friday at the convention center so we decided to go. On Thursday my throat started to get kind of scratchy and I was sneezing more then normal. We had a Celebrity softball game to go too. Unfortunately we got cooked. We wore sunscreen but that didn’t help. So early Friday morning we went to see little big town we got there at 3 am and waited to meet them. By the time we got in the doors all the tickets were gone. We were getting pushed around and almost beat a couple of people up. We went in the hopeful line. We did end up meeting them. By the time we reached the hopeful line we had been awake a little over 24hrs. At that point we were ready to kill people. When I got up to meet them one of guys was in the band tried to give me a hug and I grimaced in pain due to the fact that my shoulders were completely burnt. I felt like I was gonna break down and cry right there on the spot in front of them which has happened before but also in front of millions of people. Little big Town did sign the sign for the girl and I was very happy about that.
Warning the next part is really rough and it has negative thoughts in it. Ok so we go back to the hotel and I can’t talk at all. It hurt to cough I said oh great not again. I tried to get in touch with some people to let them know how I was doing and no one answered I tried to reach out but no one was their. My friend wasn’t able to help me. I called my dad to ask if my mom put $20 in my account so I could get some medicine he said your moms disappointed and doesn’t want to put money in your account. I went in to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror began tunting myself to and said look at yourself you look pathetic. You disappointed your mother. How dare you. Your worthless. You cannt even keep a job for long periods of time. I started to cry and went out of the bathroom and tried calling someone because I was beyond rock bottom I couldn’t reach anyone so I told Kim if any one calls its too late and she just looked at me concerned she couldn’t help me. I went outside with my bear and began to cry more I told God that I couldn’t take it anymore. He either show up and help me or I was gonna quite and go back to drinking again. I told Him I needed something to change because I felt like I didn’t matter. I wanted the pain from within to stop. I was so tired and exhausted it had been over 24 hours without sleep. I finally came back in and cried myself to sleep. I began to feel a little better as I was sleeping like it was ok. But when I woke from the sleep maybe 3 hours total cause we had to go to the evening concerts. I woke up and had a fever of 100.1. I was sick as a dog but me being the person that I am went with her to the concert anyway. I could barely talk my lungs hurt from coughing so much all I wanted to do was sleep. On the way back I was singing and she laughed at me because I was coughing it hurt me to hear her laugh at me when Im sick as a dog. I said to myself I guess this is it then I need to let go for a while and get myself taken care of because she apparently didn’t care. We were on are way home and we ate a dennys and I asked if she was going to recovery the next week and she said she didn’t know. It was like a stone hiting me. Because she didn’t want to get better so I made the decision to not talk to her anymore. I was so hurt and mad at myself for wasting 9 years of life. I was disappointed because I knew my group was right. After we got back I decided to move on with my life and take care of Katie for a change. I went to another recovery meeting and found out all about Coe Dependency and realized I was in a Coe dependent relationship and didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be free. ANd God was there through it all He just wanted me to be at my end so He could get a hold of me and Im so glade HE did.

Revelation of some sort from Sunday, February 15


I dont know why I need to share this but maybe because you know what its like to be where I was. Well last friday chip night I believe with all my heart that I looked and felt like death was looking me straight in the eyes and when craig did the 24 hour chip I decieded that I would not let death eat me up and win. I know Im happy I got my smile back. I feel a lot lighter. I truely believe in Jesus that He can fix me and no one else can. Here is a lyric from my favorite band that I follow but this puts Gods love for me in perspective I never thought about it this way before maybe cause I was blind and didnt believe He could really fix me.
Love Profound by Little Big TownIn those times when we feel we've come to our end It gives us the strength to start over again.
my interpretation is that when we are at the end of ourselves Gods love is so amazing that it will find us in the deepest desperate spot and allow us to start back over again.
I hope this last part touches you. Like it touched me and each time I listen to that song now it sends shivers down my spine.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Problems are like cuts

I realized something a while back when we have problems its like a cut.
Ok so then we bandage it up with out cleaning it out then it starts to fester and become infected and bam big huge problem and we cann't fix it. Then we have to go get help From Jesus to clean it out and heal the wounds. Then all were left with is the scar. So if problems comes up we consult and seek the Lord our God first and not do it our way because that how we make it worse.

Mask We Wear Done in January of 08 must read

We all wear some sort of masks no matter how famous or not so famous. We all have problems with ourselves that we want to hide from others. It doesn’t matter if we are the President of the United States you still will hide behind something. We all put on masks; whether it is in church, in front of our friends, in front of our parents, and ourselves. We sometimes can't even see our true selves because of the mask we put on. We hide behind all sorts of things in order to pretend everything is alright when everything is going wrong. We hide behind alcohol, food, drugs, sex, money, popularity, isolation. But why do we put on these masks in the first place?

We put on masks as a way of hiding from the outside world and ourselves. We get so scared that other people will judge us, so we act like everything is fine and dandy. But inside we are torn up. We hate ourselves so much that we begin to use extreme measures as a way to distort who we really are. We can’t even see how hurt we are inside. We are afraid to even show ourselves to other people. We place walls up so no one will know how we really feel. We put up barriers to hide our true selves from our friends. We are too scared that they will hurt us like other people hurt us in the past. We have trouble facing our own failures and faults to see the good in ourselves. We hate what we look like or hate how we look inside. So we take whatever it is being alcohol, food, drugs, cutting, or whatever it may be to hide how we feel inside. We think people will judge us because of our problems when really they may have the same exact problems we do only we are too blind too see it.

We need to let it go to God and He will take the mask off piece by piece. Once we give our troubles to God our mask will come off. Only God can see us for who we are and not what we've done. We need to turn over every thing to God because He will break down the walls little by little. We just need to let go. We have to be willing to let God work through our problems. We need to trust that God has great things for us. We have to let Him take over our life. We are too prideful to admit we need Him. So we keep on running and we keep on falling back on our old ways. But once He catches us and holds us we can feel safe in Him. We hide our true selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... and so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to God with our broken and desperate hearts. But we need to return to God because He is so loving and kind. He will heal the broken and desperate parts of our heart. He is the only One we can run to. He is our hope, and our peace. He needs to be our everything. We hide from others ourselves and God does not stop loving us. We hide from God and He does not stop loving us. We hurt ourselves and hurt others but God won't ever stop loving us. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve God to love us but He does anyway.
When things don't seem to be going the way you want them to go, don't get down on yourself. There may be a reason why things were going bad for you. We don't have control of what's going to happen in a day. We want to control our daily routines, but there is only one person who controls what happens to us each day and that is God. He wants to be the driver of our lives. He wants to take the keys from us and control us.
I recently read the Book “Ever After” by Karen Kingsbury and in it was a line that said: “Sometimes, life is so hard you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is, just do the next thing. God will meet you there."
I think that’s a powerful statement.