Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Well I have 3 yrs of sobriety and am currently living at home with my alcoholic parents. Wait red flag. You heard me live in alcoholic and sober. You ask how can I get by. I get by only with Gods help. it is very tough to see the people you love wasting away and you judt want to shake them and say look what your doing not only are you hurting yourself your hurting the people that love you. You say how can you deal with it. I suck it up and take it cause I have to. I stuff it inside and hope that the pain will go away. Sometimes I even blame myself for my moms drinkin but then I change my thinkin. You think how am I still sober I remind myself of how I was when I wasnt and then Praise God for my sobriety. Its bad when they pick on me when they drink. You say Im strong maybe but I have to be inorder to survive at home. You say why dont I move out. Its way to expensive in MD to live in an appartment. So I deal with it because I have to. But God gets me through it and Im glad I have Him in my life now.
Friday, June 26, 2009
God wants us to run to Him at all times in the good and bad and in between. He wants us to let our guards down and begin to trust Him. He wont fight back. He wont put you down or make you feel awful. He will love you no matter what you did or didnt do.
At one period in my life I did not love myself. I would not look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. But then once I had accepted God in my life and really understood that He loves me was slowly able to look at myself in the mirror and not think I was dirt. But I began to say God loves me Katie and for awhile I believed it then stuff happened and pushed God to the side but He never stopped loving me. So I guess I dont need to act tough and just let God work in me and through me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Well it did and the one girl whose birthday it was there for me. After reading the letter I felt my heart just break and at that time I thought nothing or no one could fill that hole in my heart. I took the elvator to her room and there I cried in front of someone who would end up teaching me aabout Christ. my friend then began to comfort me and she told me that I didn't need to drink and get high to be friends with her she liked me for who I was an dthat mad me feel a little better. But her roomate was a Christian and she had Bible verses taped to the walls I found that strange at the time but i began to read some and began to feel a little better that I was better off not being around her. And she was right about that. My friends roomate then invited me to an FCA meeting. When I was a freshman I thought it was a joke and stupid but it wasn't at all it was where I learned about Christianity and that I needed Jesus. After I calmed down a bit I called Kim and told her about what happened. She came down from where she went to school to pick me up so I wouldn't be alone on the weekend. Thats where I heard my first worship song she took me to church with her.
So then I got close with a girl from across the hall and we got a long great then she left and I had no one to keep me sane. She was cool she made me laugh and we eventually became roomates the next year. But when she left I had no one to really talk to and I became really depressed. I began to think how stupid I was and all the talk in the head and I wanted the pain inside to be outside. So I went to the counselor on campous and she sent me to a pscyitrist at the mental hospital she gave me anti depressants and anti anxity meds. I was a mess. I missed classes I was drinking and going to the frat house and getting high. I'd walk in to the dorm and have to say 1.2.3 sober so I could walk to the elvator so no one would catch me. Theyed lock me in my room.
So then the end of the year comes and I have to do summer school. I was not happy. At that time I still hadn't acceted Christ into my life. So of course my 21st birthday had to be the day before my brothers Highschool graduation so I really didn't get to celbrate it. So the day after my brothers gradeuation from high school I had to go back to school. So me being the smart one went and bought a 24 pack of beer and some boones farm. And Id have one or two a day but this particular day I took my zanez and I think I drank after taking it but I really don't remember. So I fell a sleep and I believe I may have blacked out and was in a small coma because the next thing I know Im over top of my body just hovering over the mess and the empty bottles. And then I then cell phone rang and I was up. But I believe God was showing me that I needed to stop or this is how I'll be the rest of my life. It was very scarey. After that I stopped taking the zanex. Well I could get a ride to get my anti-depressant so that was another reason why I stoped taking it. Also that summer I had to go to the emergency room because I had a sever migrain where I could move my neck or any part of my body. The other time was because I had a serious kidney infection.
Then my Junior year when I was on my fall break my mom comes in my room around 4 am and says they are taking my brother to the hospital. At that time I had no idea at that time he was in a mental hospital. So my parents came home and my brother did not and that kinda scared me. I asked where he was and they told me he tried to kill himself and so I really didn't have a fall break. My parents where with him almost the whole time I was home. That was a big kick in the butt for me. My little brother was hurting and I couldn't do anything about it. So I go back to school with out seeing my brother and that week my proffesor took us to a fedral penitentary. And we went through the mental hospital and that brought back the memory of my mom coming in my room telling me about my brother. So that made me shut down and not want to see anyone or go on medicine. Or that may have been my mind making the decision.
I started to attend FCA weekly and meet some Christian friends.
So around the end of that year my roomate gets in car reck and she was ok but she ended up leaving school for the weekend. I was so scared she wasn't gonna come back. She did but she was a different person after that. She left me before and left me a mess and I was afraid she was gonna leave for good and I couldn't handle that.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I am beginingto figure that out. He wants me to seek Him first not others not matrial things not music just Him. He wants all of me not just bits and pieces. I thought that I could fix stuff myself but then I hit bottom and He was there and helped me up and fixed the cuts and bruises. I wanted friends to help me but friends fail you and God will not. God will not abandon me or throw me on street corner like trash. I thank all my twitter family for praying for me through the bumps in the road. If it wasnt for twitter I wouldnt know the length of Gods love for me. And Im so grateful for all of you guys. God is really showing me a love that I dont get at home. But He is now my Center. He is all I ever need. Hes all I ever wanted. Funny how He uses ordinary people to help you along the way giving you encouragement. I wouldnt never have believed that I could forgive myself and others if it wasnt for His intervention. So glad He came to my rescue and saved me. So I am gonna trust Him right now even if things get rocky and I stumble and fall off course because He is right there beside me holding onto me. He wont let go of me. Im ready for this ride. So here I go Im Holding on to God and Hes holding onto me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Im showin people who I never met before the real me when friends and family dont usually see the real me . But through God I am able to show off the real me and not pretend to be someone who Im not. God sees the real me. Its ok to be me and I have to not think I need to be different when Im around different people so they dont see my ADHD and out of control.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
God Loves me and Saved me. So Im saring pictures of me growin up. The song I choose was Love Her Like Jesus/ Does Anyone Hear Her By Casting Crowns. It starts of with baby pictures then goes into adulthood where I was searching for love and in 03 I found that love in Christ. Some pictures are of hard times but we all go through them. The Does anyone hear her was a song that got me and still does. Cause I used to be so depressed that I was so numb inside to thepoint of self hatered. So this song was like a cry out to everyone sayin dont you see that im barely existing and need encouragement. But then I found God and He was the only one who really heard me and still hears me.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thank you Lord for Saving and providing me with friends and family. The song I choose for this video was Only What You Make of It by little big town. I choose this song because it fits my life in so many ways. We all need to make the most of situation even if they are hard and we want to run away. It is always worth it in the end. Yes some of the people in the pictures are no longer friends but I always found away to make the most of my life even when i was so numb and completly hated myself for who I was and what I was becoming. I look back and think I had to face thoseor I wouldnt be the person I am today. All thanks to GOD.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
When our life is so busy we just need to stop and thank GOD for the day and it will seem less busy.
Sometimes it gets confusing that I don't know where I am.
Sometimes our lives get so mixed up and confusing and we dont know where we are but there is one who knows where we are and can help us remember who He. HE is LORD AND SAVIOR.
We take risk everyday of our lives even though it may not seem like it. Like driving your car is a risk. And crossing the street at a crosswalk. YOu take risk when you make new friends. You risk being hurt or rejected by the ones you care about.You risk being let down when something you believe in might come true. You risk being mocked or laughed at. YOu take risks at work
Sometimes it gets confusing that I don't know where I am but I always know who Im with Im with the bad. This is such a true statement because life may get so mixed up and when I go to a Littl Big Town concert all the trouble that happpene just seems to melt away because Im with the band. They make you feel like you are part of there family and that you are worth it.
And the smile that your wearin is just a lovely veil for the secrets that your hiding that are just to dark to tell. Everyone has a secret that they hiding. This is such a powerful song because it talks about abuse. You do not have to be struck to be abuse it can come from emotional and verbal.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Because a Year ago this week I was litteraly at the end of myself and had no hope left and no one who I reached out to seemed to give a hoot. So He knew that I was going in the same direction as last year so He said I will send someone who is in Love with Him and who wont pull me under like a railroad train. So I decided to follow Hetty on twitter and now I am very greatful for the connection because this week was a struggle was able to make it out stronger in Him because of His blessing.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Before I decided to go to CMA fan fest with Kim I began to scratch myself again because I was hurting on the inside so bad that I needed to feel the pain outside too. At the time I was reaching out to people in my group but no one seemed to care that I was really so far gone that God would have to reach down hit me on the head and change me in order to want to go on living. I had no hope left I was pushing people away even Kim. I was isolating myself from the world. I also began to stop eating 2 times a day. But that didn’t last long cause my boss at work made sure I ate my lunch. I was going down fast and hard. My life was spiraling downwards into the pit and I was barely holding on. No one seemed to care that I was slipping away. I wasn’t talking to anyone. I really was on bad terms with myself. I needed to get away and see if I could figure out some of this on my own so I called up Kim in the beginning of April to go to CMA fan fest with her from June 1st to the 10th. I really felt a pull to go. I needed to get away from work, my home, and life in general. I thought it was a good idea at the time to get away. People in my Recovery group told me it would be a bad idea for me to go to Nashville with Kim. They said you would be running away from your problems and when you come back they’d still be there. I of course did not listen to them and would latter regret it. I thought at the time I was going to get the $600 from the stimulus plan but only received $300. The $600 was supposed to help pay for my half of the trip. So while this was going on at work I was getting picked on by the person who I was working for. I was told I couldn’t listen to music while I was doing my work. I was getting attacked by the stapler and the hole puncher stupid but made people wonder what was wrong with me. So its 2 weeks before I go on my trip and I begin to have these horrible headaches that would literally cause me mass amounts of pain that wiped me out. So I went to the Dr. and they told me to go get an MRI. So at the time I asked my mother if she would go with me and she said she was very busy and didn’t want to go. I was very hurt because I needed her there with me so I wouldn’t get scared. I told my leader of my group what happened and she was able to go with me and sit with me while I was going through the MRI. Which was supper nice of her. It wasn’t until my birthday on May 31st that I told my mom I was going to Nashville the worst decision ever. I was gonna go and no one was gonna stop me. I upset her and she was disappointed in me. That was the worst feeling in the world knowing that my own mother was disappointed. My birthday absolutely sucked. Ya I got what I wanted. I wanted my mom to spend the day with me. But oh no she and my dad had to go to their godsons graduation. That made me feel like I was worthless that I wasnt important to them. It made me feel like I didn’t matter. Which is a great way to start a vacation? On top of that I was starting to get sick which I had no idea about till latter sinus infection and serious case of bronchits. So now we are in Nashville and we go to a celebrity bowling event for St. Judes hospital. It was ok but I got another headache. I got to give my gift that I made to little big town. I even got to talk to my favorite one Karen and she told me that everything was gonna be fine and that I needed to pray and stay strong. That made me feel better. I was silly enough not to wear sun screen so my first sunburn on the first day of the trip what a great way to start the trip. We went a toured the city the next day and got burnt. We were waiting for Wednesday to come because that was the big day when Kim would give them her surprise. She got a group of people together to donate money to world vision for music supplies in the name of each band member. The big day… So we get in the venue and make are way up to the front of the stage and Kim tells me she can’t find her ticket so she starts freaking out and I give her mine because I knew she really needed it more then me. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make. She was becoming distraught and I was getting very annoyed cause she wouldn’t take the ticket. She eventually took the ticket though. I was able to meet them to due to a very nice girl who offered me her ticket. I was shocked that someone would do that for me. I was so blessed because she was so nice to me. We actually were joking and what not. I was enjoying myself and not thinking about how bad my head hurt. I had gotten the news that everything was fine. I knew what I had to do. I decided to make a sign for the girl and have little big town sign it and then send it to her. We found that Little Big Town would be doing a signing on Friday at the convention center so we decided to go. On Thursday my throat started to get kind of scratchy and I was sneezing more then normal. We had a Celebrity softball game to go too. Unfortunately we got cooked. We wore sunscreen but that didn’t help. So early Friday morning we went to see little big town we got there at 3 am and waited to meet them. By the time we got in the doors all the tickets were gone. We were getting pushed around and almost beat a couple of people up. We went in the hopeful line. We did end up meeting them. By the time we reached the hopeful line we had been awake a little over 24hrs. At that point we were ready to kill people. When I got up to meet them one of guys was in the band tried to give me a hug and I grimaced in pain due to the fact that my shoulders were completely burnt. I felt like I was gonna break down and cry right there on the spot in front of them which has happened before but also in front of millions of people. Little big Town did sign the sign for the girl and I was very happy about that.
Warning the next part is really rough and it has negative thoughts in it. Ok so we go back to the hotel and I can’t talk at all. It hurt to cough I said oh great not again. I tried to get in touch with some people to let them know how I was doing and no one answered I tried to reach out but no one was their. My friend wasn’t able to help me. I called my dad to ask if my mom put $20 in my account so I could get some medicine he said your moms disappointed and doesn’t want to put money in your account. I went in to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror began tunting myself to and said look at yourself you look pathetic. You disappointed your mother. How dare you. Your worthless. You cannt even keep a job for long periods of time. I started to cry and went out of the bathroom and tried calling someone because I was beyond rock bottom I couldn’t reach anyone so I told Kim if any one calls its too late and she just looked at me concerned she couldn’t help me. I went outside with my bear and began to cry more I told God that I couldn’t take it anymore. He either show up and help me or I was gonna quite and go back to drinking again. I told Him I needed something to change because I felt like I didn’t matter. I wanted the pain from within to stop. I was so tired and exhausted it had been over 24 hours without sleep. I finally came back in and cried myself to sleep. I began to feel a little better as I was sleeping like it was ok. But when I woke from the sleep maybe 3 hours total cause we had to go to the evening concerts. I woke up and had a fever of 100.1. I was sick as a dog but me being the person that I am went with her to the concert anyway. I could barely talk my lungs hurt from coughing so much all I wanted to do was sleep. On the way back I was singing and she laughed at me because I was coughing it hurt me to hear her laugh at me when Im sick as a dog. I said to myself I guess this is it then I need to let go for a while and get myself taken care of because she apparently didn’t care. We were on are way home and we ate a dennys and I asked if she was going to recovery the next week and she said she didn’t know. It was like a stone hiting me. Because she didn’t want to get better so I made the decision to not talk to her anymore. I was so hurt and mad at myself for wasting 9 years of life. I was disappointed because I knew my group was right. After we got back I decided to move on with my life and take care of Katie for a change. I went to another recovery meeting and found out all about Coe Dependency and realized I was in a Coe dependent relationship and didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be free. ANd God was there through it all He just wanted me to be at my end so He could get a hold of me and Im so glade HE did.
Love Profound by Little Big TownIn those times when we feel we've come to our end It gives us the strength to start over again.
my interpretation is that when we are at the end of ourselves Gods love is so amazing that it will find us in the deepest desperate spot and allow us to start back over again.
I hope this last part touches you. Like it touched me and each time I listen to that song now it sends shivers down my spine.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Ok so then we bandage it up with out cleaning it out then it starts to fester and become infected and bam big huge problem and we cann't fix it. Then we have to go get help From Jesus to clean it out and heal the wounds. Then all were left with is the scar. So if problems comes up we consult and seek the Lord our God first and not do it our way because that how we make it worse.
We put on masks as a way of hiding from the outside world and ourselves. We get so scared that other people will judge us, so we act like everything is fine and dandy. But inside we are torn up. We hate ourselves so much that we begin to use extreme measures as a way to distort who we really are. We can’t even see how hurt we are inside. We are afraid to even show ourselves to other people. We place walls up so no one will know how we really feel. We put up barriers to hide our true selves from our friends. We are too scared that they will hurt us like other people hurt us in the past. We have trouble facing our own failures and faults to see the good in ourselves. We hate what we look like or hate how we look inside. So we take whatever it is being alcohol, food, drugs, cutting, or whatever it may be to hide how we feel inside. We think people will judge us because of our problems when really they may have the same exact problems we do only we are too blind too see it.
We need to let it go to God and He will take the mask off piece by piece. Once we give our troubles to God our mask will come off. Only God can see us for who we are and not what we've done. We need to turn over every thing to God because He will break down the walls little by little. We just need to let go. We have to be willing to let God work through our problems. We need to trust that God has great things for us. We have to let Him take over our life. We are too prideful to admit we need Him. So we keep on running and we keep on falling back on our old ways. But once He catches us and holds us we can feel safe in Him. We hide our true selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... and so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to God with our broken and desperate hearts. But we need to return to God because He is so loving and kind. He will heal the broken and desperate parts of our heart. He is the only One we can run to. He is our hope, and our peace. He needs to be our everything. We hide from others ourselves and God does not stop loving us. We hide from God and He does not stop loving us. We hurt ourselves and hurt others but God won't ever stop loving us. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve God to love us but He does anyway.
When things don't seem to be going the way you want them to go, don't get down on yourself. There may be a reason why things were going bad for you. We don't have control of what's going to happen in a day. We want to control our daily routines, but there is only one person who controls what happens to us each day and that is God. He wants to be the driver of our lives. He wants to take the keys from us and control us.
I recently read the Book “Ever After” by Karen Kingsbury and in it was a line that said: “Sometimes, life is so hard you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is, just do the next thing. God will meet you there."
I think that’s a powerful statement.