Thursday, December 31, 2009

My year ended the way it began

Yet again my year ends the way it began with a horrible depression. Last year at this time I was out of work again. I was waiting to be placed back at BAE syestems again. So I thought it would be better this time that was so not true. It was worse off. My depression was on a rise I was headed for a major mental breakdown. I had no hope no vision I was litteraly at my end. But thank God for Little Big Town concert at the end of January in Myrtle Beach last year. What did happen then was I faced reality. Stayed up the longest ever over 48 hrs of no sleep and then go into a bar to see Little Big Town. But lets take it back during that day we kept getting lost then running into 3 of the memembers of Little Big Town in the venues restraunt. Which was so God. One of the memembers told me and my friend dont give up. Wow so needed to hear this at that moment because being at your end hearing someone who been there. Then at the end of the show went to the back where buses were and then another memeber came out and told me and a friend that being at the end of yourself is good in a way. But she also said God never gives you more than you can handle wow hit me hard. Then when me and my friend were in the concert these people next to us were so beyond intoxicated and it made me realize that I still had some bitterness and anger towards the bottle because I saw myself in those girls who were drinking. So when me and my friend stoped in wilson for the night I wnever forget that night as it was super bowl sunday well I went to my old church and got out of the car and looked up in the sky and asked God to for help. Then not even 4 to five days later I got a call from a friend either before the trip or just after saying I inspired her and was glad she was my friend. She said shed look forward to talkin when she returned from a vacation. I found out that friday at Celebrate Recovery that my friend had passed away on her cruise of a brain anurism. What big loss for me to know I may have been one of the last people she held a conversation with. Then I had another Little Big Town Concert in DC this time and got to meet them again this time it was at a bar again and where directtly in front as up on the stage you could be. Again one of the memembers during the concert looked at me and asked if i was doing better wooh. I was starting to come around and begginning to find myself again. So during the next couple months working at BAE Systems was full of emotionall and verbal abuse. Those words the two memembers said to me kept me sane during that time and going to more concverts helped that too. But as all this was going on I began to explore the world of twitter again. But not really into to it yet. I had gotten sick in middle of march with a double infection UTI and Sinus Infection that nearly went into Bronchitis. The drug I was given was awful it made me have a horrible anger and depression increased. When I stopped the med I began to have numbness on the left side of my face and horrible migrains due to stress for the most part. I was still going to Celebrate Recovery at that point. Then something happened at work that lead to me getting let go was reaching for HIM big at that point. During the last 2 weeks of work the verses that I clung to were Proverbs 3:5-6 Joshua 1:9 and Phillipians 4:13. Then maybe 2 weeks latter I stoped going to recovery because I felt like I wasnt welcomed in my group anymore. I was sick of being treated like crap and being belittled for having feelings. So thats when I started getting all into twitter. Friends on twitter through JESUS who wont belittle or talk down to you @fallinrain, @buffalopine, @spreadingJoy, @marrangee, @AnastasiaHIS, @AliveinMe, @pastorcarol, mcprodigal, @leslieblueeyes, soundsblue, and LucyAnnMoll. I am so blessed to know these people and greatful for there friendship. To know that I will not be belittle or talked down tonow is so reassuring. When I went down to the beach and thanksgiving with my parents and aunt uncle and cousins I got belittled because I used twitter to reach out to people. Not only that but my parents let everyone rip me to shreds.

So because I got migrains I went to see a neurologist and he gave me a preventative med that helped in ways it helped with my anger and my depression and even though I gained some weight and had not as severe headaches the neurologist took me off of it and put me on another one. The one I am currently on now the one that is not helping at all. Not only is it not helping it is making my depression worse then its been in a while. There are days now when I really could care less if I got up out of bed. I lost me and lost my hope. My Christmas was ok it passed like a blown out candle. One minute or day Im up and doing ok then Im back at bottom. One minute Im crying or tearing up and the next im fine. I know God never give me more than I can handle but I feel like Im far away from GOd like I walked out on HIM. Like all my hope and joy is gone. And this brings me to New Years Eve I was up and doing well then I was really down and have been ever since. Its like Im at bottom and am trying to reach to HIM but I just cannt reach hard enough. Or I just push HIM to the side. I want to work I dont want to be unmployed. Yet when I think about working I think how long will I last before I get let go and will I get verbally and emotionally abused again.
But as the year ended I am thankful I stayed sober another year and have made new friends and that I am important even if I dont think it at the time. Something I learned that GOD is always there and will help me get through whatever I am going through.
God Bless everyone. New Year I think Im ready for a radical change even if it hurts or brings me tomy knees Im ready to HOLD ON and PUT MY TRUST JESUS Alone.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

winter storm 09

This one has same song and pictures just added all them together. Enjoy! I finaly am coming out of my horrible depression and am finding my hope and joy again. Praise God for that one. GOd Bless Everyone

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Where Did my Joy or Christmas Spirit go

Look at this photo today we got over a foot of snow. Now me and my family are stuck in our house. Cannot get out the front door. Can only go on the deck and in the grass but cannt leave the yard cause its fenced in... So I feel trapped and no where to go. I like my parents and all but its just not the same.
Today I found out that yet again my brother is blowing all of my parents money. He doesnt even care what it does to my mom. My dad and mom wont do a damn thing about it. Sorry for language im getting anger and frustration out. My brother doesnt give a flying fuck about what he is doing to his family. I had asked my mom if my brother was coming over for Christmas and you know what she said she had no idea. Because my brother doesnt care he runs over everyone evne his girlfriends. And because of how he treats me and my parents Im the one living at home if he screws up Im the one who gets it taken out on. Last christmas my brother stole a $25gift card to target for my parents god daughter and then he went into my room and stole my $50 itunes gift card and what exactly did my parents do absolutely not a damn thing. He borrows money left and right from my parents and when i ask for a few dollars its like fighting tooth and nail. Am I not good enough or wait they dont want to doing anything and baby my brother so then he thinks its ok to spend other peoples money. In 2003 after he graduated highschool he got in an accident and did my parents think to tell me nope. He totaled the car he had one of his friends in the car and was going to fast and hit a pole. I think he was trying to kill himself. But that is just my oppion. Then while we both were on fall break he decided he didnt wanna live so he took a bunch of pills. Then my mom comes in room at 4 am in the morning telling me they have to go to take my broto the hospital. SO when I had my very low days where I didnt wanna wake up I had to hide how dare I feel anything at all how dare I need to go see a counselor or go to specialist like the Gastrologist or Neurologist or Urologist but I went because I was supper sick they didnt believe me that i wasnt feeling well.
I dont know where my joy of the Christmas season went. I dont know if I really have had it. Kinda dampens things when you have to play santa for your dad who wont go out and shop for my mom. And then I have to wrap them myself. I dont like being down like I am. I dont like not having any joy or hope. Im tired of being the tough one in the house acting like everything is all fine and dandy when it so is not. I wish I could get this whole surrendering everything to GOD. I wish I could enjoy this holiday and noot be depressed. Its like I got off Gods band wagon and shut down. Because right now I feel like I am just existing and not really living. I know He didnt leave me and wont ever. But I feel like left Him sitting in a parking lot. I cannt sleep through the night anymore I wake up stiff as a door knob and then am up for bit then go back to sleep then up again. Im getting tired of it. I need sleep because I know it would so help with my moods.
Again I am sorry for the use of curse words.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Honesty on How I feel

Well I started a new medicine that is supposed to help prevent migrains and is an anti depressant. Well the other med I was on before didnt make me feel the way I do only when it was wearing off or I missed taking it. But this one I have lost myself. I feel dead inside. I feel like I feel like my hope has gone on vaction. I feel vacant inside like I shut down and put up walls. I feel lost inside. I've been reading my Bible and praying and yet I still feel so not me. I want to be happy I dont wanna feel this way. Im not sleeping well at all. I think its affecting everything. I know that I'll get through it with GODs help but right now i dont feel so close to HIM. I feel like I ran away from GOD and am in a dark place shut off from everything. I distant myself and disconnect. I know that Christmas is just around the corner and well I just dont have that hope this time around. I really hope I can find me again. So I can have hope again.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

What A mess

Psalm 78:72 He cared for them with a true heart and led them with skillful hands.

Woke up this morning to it snowing and a Peace inside that I have not felt in a very long time. It was like I knew everything is gonna be okay and that I am Loved By God. That I matter. That things will turn around and get better and with GODS help will be able to beat this depression.

Explanation of the picture well this afternoon my boy bailey went under the deck and decided to dig in the dirt and needless to say he got messy. But like a good mommy I went and got him a towel and then gave him a bath. But isn't that like GOD too when we mess up or fall down HE's right there waiting for us. Waiting for us to come inside so HE can make us clean and draw us closer and closer to HIM. We come to GOD with messy faces and lives and baggage and HE picks us up drys us off. He wants us to surrender yet some people like myself has trouble with surrendering because of how I was raised. But I want to surrender to GOD. It just gets mixed up a bit from brain to heart there is disconnect. The verse came to me this afternoon picked my Bible up and just saw this one and was drawn to it. I think that because HE cares so much about us and has every single moment of our life laid out. SO I guess I'm ready to give GOD full control of my life. Cause Hes the only one who knows what is gonna happen with me. I now know I am safe in HIS ARMS.

In His arms I am safe and HE will lead me closer to HIM.