Monday, November 29, 2010

Just Existing

Lately the last couple weeks I have felt like I have been just existing. Its like I'm in the middle between numb and just going through the motions. I don't know why I feel this way but maybe because its how I'm dealing with stress at home and in my life in general. Its almost like I'm here but not here. It may be partly from lack of sleep over the past couple months and its just hitting me now. Partly because I'm so stressed and ready for a break from my parents.

I hate getting yelled at for telling the dogs to stop barking. I mean you cant go up to a dog and say excuse me would you be so kind to please quit the barking. If that was the case then Id be scared. So to say the least I have been on edge all day due to lack of sleep and then this happens and makes me more on edge. I hate being on edge cause coming out takes a while. Right now I'm extremely edgy and anxious and ready just to pack my things and leave but what good would that do me since I have no place to go to get a way. You see I miss going to see Little Big Town in times like these because at least they helped me get away from home and forget for a little bit of time. But its not good to run away cause when you return its the same old stuff and that fun time seems so distant. So I think the best thing for me is to stay out of the way and keep my mouth shut. I know God has HIS reasons so I guess I'll keep trusting HIM.

Right now I have one good thing going for me is Church. Which is a pretty good escape for a couple hours. It has helped Keep me sane these past couple of weeks since I started going. I actually look forward to going to Church again which is a big GOD thing. They also created a group for new comers that has helped me a lot over the past couple weeks since life at home isn't great I can get encouraged there. The leader of the group rocks she has helped me a lot and has encouraged me to keep turning to GOD. I can actually talk which is a good thing and not feel like what I am saying is wrong or like it doesn't matter. Unlike my last Church where people tore me down when I had rough times and didn't build me up. I don't need to be in a place where I'm tore down. That's not what church is for. Its for lifting up encouraging loving people and showing GODS love.

Psalm 9:10 "Those who know Your Name will trust in YOU for You O LORD have never abandoned anyone who searches for YOU."

Psalm 71:14 "But I will keep hoping for YOU to help me I will praise YOU more and more."

Psalm 31:14 "But I am trusting in YOU O LORD saying 'YOU are my GOD!'"

Psalm 37:5 "Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust HIM and HE will help you."

Psalm 18:30 "As for GOD HIS way is perfect."

Friday, November 5, 2010

I dont know

Lately I think to myself why did I stop a friendship. I look and see this person still going to see Little Big Town and yes I get jealous. Sad but true. But on the other hand I have been able to save money which is a good thing. I saw this person the other day voting and walking past her I got this awful pit in my stomach like I was dirt. I had my hoodie on and just kept walking towards the door. Is that how its gonna be me having to pick and chose times to go do things in hopes I wont see this person. Its like I have become the bad guy. And it feels like because of it God is far away. Which I know HEs not.

Im in funk now and just need it to pass but with the funk comes the anger and the depression. I know GOD will get me through it. Its hard to explain it. But its like one second Im doing well then the next minute Im down and out. Sometimes I think I just wanna give up but that aint me. I aint no quiter. Im on an Anti Depressant to help the headaches and help the depression and anger and it does help a little bit. But I hate getting angry because it sets me off and then Im spiraling down into a depression. Which is no fun. Ya I trust GOD and I know HE'll get me through it at some point.