Monday, November 29, 2010
Lately the last couple weeks I have felt like I have been just existing. Its like I'm in the middle between numb and just going through the motions. I don't know why I feel this way but maybe because its how I'm dealing with stress at home and in my life in general. Its almost like I'm here but not here. It may be partly from lack of sleep over the past couple months and its just hitting me now. Partly because I'm so stressed and ready for a break from my parents.
I hate getting yelled at for telling the dogs to stop barking. I mean you cant go up to a dog and say excuse me would you be so kind to please quit the barking. If that was the case then Id be scared. So to say the least I have been on edge all day due to lack of sleep and then this happens and makes me more on edge. I hate being on edge cause coming out takes a while. Right now I'm extremely edgy and anxious and ready just to pack my things and leave but what good would that do me since I have no place to go to get a way. You see I miss going to see Little Big Town in times like these because at least they helped me get away from home and forget for a little bit of time. But its not good to run away cause when you return its the same old stuff and that fun time seems so distant. So I think the best thing for me is to stay out of the way and keep my mouth shut. I know God has HIS reasons so I guess I'll keep trusting HIM.
Right now I have one good thing going for me is Church. Which is a pretty good escape for a couple hours. It has helped Keep me sane these past couple of weeks since I started going. I actually look forward to going to Church again which is a big GOD thing. They also created a group for new comers that has helped me a lot over the past couple weeks since life at home isn't great I can get encouraged there. The leader of the group rocks she has helped me a lot and has encouraged me to keep turning to GOD. I can actually talk which is a good thing and not feel like what I am saying is wrong or like it doesn't matter. Unlike my last Church where people tore me down when I had rough times and didn't build me up. I don't need to be in a place where I'm tore down. That's not what church is for. Its for lifting up encouraging loving people and showing GODS love.
Psalm 9:10 "Those who know Your Name will trust in YOU for You O LORD have never abandoned anyone who searches for YOU."
Psalm 71:14 "But I will keep hoping for YOU to help me I will praise YOU more and more."
Psalm 31:14 "But I am trusting in YOU O LORD saying 'YOU are my GOD!'"
Psalm 37:5 "Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust HIM and HE will help you."
Psalm 18:30 "As for GOD HIS way is perfect."
Friday, November 5, 2010
Im in funk now and just need it to pass but with the funk comes the anger and the depression. I know GOD will get me through it. Its hard to explain it. But its like one second Im doing well then the next minute Im down and out. Sometimes I think I just wanna give up but that aint me. I aint no quiter. Im on an Anti Depressant to help the headaches and help the depression and anger and it does help a little bit. But I hate getting angry because it sets me off and then Im spiraling down into a depression. Which is no fun. Ya I trust GOD and I know HE'll get me through it at some point.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Part of me doesn't want to work because of how I was treated at previous jobs. The person who is helping me find work said I need to think of other things I can do for work so change what I'm good at. I don't want to try other jobs. I cant be on my feet for long periods of time. To me that's like throwing in the towel. I shouldn't have to change what I wanna do job wise. If the places I apply aren't what GOD has planned for me job wise then its not supposed to be. I called a place because they had an add in the paper they were hiring and I got criticized by the person whose helping me look because of how I left a message for the person who was hiring was to fast. She said if you wanna be a receptionist you have to slow down when you speak. Does she think I don't know this. I thought I would talk to the person not have to leave a message. It threw me for a loop. You don't tell someone who has confidence and self esteem issues that they way they do something was not right. I called the place and I didn't even want to apply for that job. I hate being forced into things it makes me nervous. You don't force a person who hass been abused by bosses to call a possible job lead if they don't want to. So I need to trust GOD that the right job is out there and in HIS perfect time I will have the job that HE wants me to have. SO I shouldn't worry because GODs plans are what really matters.
Matthew 6:34 "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths.”
Jeremiah 29:11-12 For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Lean Into It is one of my new favorite songs by Little Big Town. When you go through tough times you can either give up or lean on GOD so HE can help you get through what you are going through. When I struggle I tend not to rely on God instead I rely on myself which is not the best way to go. But then I realize that Gods way has to be the only way to live. So each time I struggle I know GOD will get me through it each and every time. With each and every blow from the wind He will get me through it. I always keep going no matter how hard it is at home or if Im sick as a dog I keep moving on it maybe just for a moment or a day but I move on. It could tear me apart but that doesnt stop me because in the back of my mind I know I'll get through it at some point in time.
Another thing I struggle with is my health I seem to always get sick and then when I go to Dr's I end up having nothing wrong so I tend not to want to go see Dr's when the Dr says I should see specialist and then the specialist finds absolutely wrong.
I sit and watch my dad drink away his problems and he is starting to forget things and I sit and think how much I hate the alcohol for stealing my dad from me. Its very hard for me when he and mom drink because he gets an attitude and I might as well stay far away but have no where to go.
I finally found a church that I like and that I think I might fit in. Its been awhile since I went to church. And the worship was awesome. It drew me in and didn't feel awkward. I walked in and people said hi and were friendly. Its not to far from my house either. Its just one bus ride so I don't have to leave 2 hours before church in order to catch 2 buses.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Its been awhile since I posted last. I have not been inspired to post anything lately but figured since I cannot sleep I might as well blog. But this song Kiss Goodbye by Little Big Town fits my life right now. After long time figuring things out I had to make a decision about a friendship of mine. We had been friends for almost 11 years but I began to feel that if I wanted move on with my life and focus on GOD then it had to be done. Its hard to explain how I felt but I couldn't really be me... I was always the go to person when she had health questions that would get pretty gross and I would answer her in hopes to calm her anxiety. But a person can only handle so much before it gets to be a problem. My joy had literally went away. You see we never talked about normal things like our faith or how we really were doing we danced around important issues. When I needed a friend to be there she seemed to be distant and like I always do I said hey I'm sorry and yet she never really excepted any of my apologies. When I was so sick on trip I went to a concert with her because I didn't want her to miss out on the concert since we paid for it. When I thought I was lossing a friend I txted her cause I needed someone there for me yet she didnt want anything to do for me it just put the icing on the cake and I knew it was over. I may have some resentment towards her and need to forgive her. She had her friends on all different groups and I had my twitter friends. I told her that I had my life and she had hers and I couldn't be friends anymore. I sometimes regret it. I know its for the best and I will forgive her.
I had lost my smile and then when this friendship ended it slowly came back. Then my best friend from grade school invited me over for dinner with her brides maids and I really hadnt laughed like that in long time. Ibegan to get my smile back and my joy was coming back as well.
So I decided that GOD was the only one I need. I mean really HE's been there for me and hasn't hurt me. I have to keep reminding myself that. Because right now I am currently in the process of looking for a job with The Treatment and Learning Center. They will help find a job and keep it. But I have these demons from previous jobs that keep popping up in my head because of the abuse I faced in one job. I did not report it because at the time I didn't think anything of it. But that puts a lot of stress on me. Plus the stress of living at home with my parents. Its seem like things keep getting tenser. I try to stay out of the way but at dinner time I have to eat with my parents. I hate it most times cause my mom drinks and keeps asking the same questions over and over again. And if my dads been drinking then I might as well keep my mouth shut. I don't have enough money to pay rent and cannot drive so living at home is the only option I have.
As the song says "You just gotta watch it fly...Stand There on the sideliness... Go and swallow up your pride... Know its gonna be all right... wish it well and close your eyes... With a kiss goodbye." Ain't that the truth though swallowing our pride and stepping aside and let God take over cause in the end everything will be all right. And I know that in time I will be all right. I just gotta stop being thick headed. And Let GOD take full control. Kiss the old ways the old self goodbye because GODS on the sideline wating for you and me to pick up and tell us how special we are to HIM.
I thank God for my friends on twitter Hetty, Marie, Angie, Catherine, Nancy, Martha, Debbie, Heatherjo, Nikkie, Richard, Lucy, Patty, Megan, Tiffany My #Twivotion family and many more. Thank you for all you do for others and me. Thankk you for praying for me.
Im just trying to be honest on how things have been. I'm trying to place GOD first and others second.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I am Someone who is...
Believes in Jesus as my Lord and Savior
A lover of Christ
Not fearful to ask for help from sisters in Christ
Loves making videos
Help people feel comfortable
Enjoying going to little big town concerts
Enjoys being with friends
Loves helping others
Loves my family
Friday, April 30, 2010
This song I found sunday watching the Dove awards. Something about this song hit me maybe it was the opening line "Don't know how it is YOU looked at me/ And saw the person I could be/ Awakening my heart/ Breaking through the dark/ Suddenly YOUR grace Like sunlight burning at midnight / Making my life something so / beautiful, beautiful/ Mercy reaching to save me/ All that I need/ YOU are so BEAUTIFUL, BEUTIFUL" Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli
WOW I was blown away. I mean really HE thinks Im beautiful. DUDE that rocks. After years of not getting the whole thing with GOD now I get it. I think it happened when I went to see Natalie Grant in concert. But there is a change in me something that has been gone for a long time. At the end of the concert Natalie started praying and then everyone took hands of the person next to you. I felt these hands on the back of my shoulders. Then things changed I felt lighter. That night I also fell off the bed at the hotel and hit my head and messed up my neck then me and my friend got in trouble with hotel cause we were being loud. So it kinda bugged me but I didnt let it ruin my weekend. SO last monday came around and I had this huge smile on my face that hasnt been there in a while everyone was telling me that I looked happy. So WED came and in my group time we did an activity and had free talk at the end and I shared about my moms drinking that was the first time I talked about it to people who I didnt know and shared. I shared about my sobriety as well. Which is a big thing for me because I was all closed didnt want other people to know how bad it is at home at times but something in me told me to open up and let go and I did. Because I am good at putting up fronts and hiding how I really felt inside. Once I owned up and said that then another wieght had lifted. I also set up an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in adult ADHD. I realized that it is not fair for me to have all this anger and I need to deal with it before its too late. But GOD doesn't see me as women with ADHD HES sees me as HIS child and beautiful. I may not think its true. BUT sure is. And I may forget that sometimes but when I hear this song I just smile and thank GOD HE sees me that way.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Then the week I that was supposed to be my last day at EDS found out that my counselor quit and left me hanging. So that set off some emotions and other things that were not fine came to the for front and hit with a vengeance's. I didn't know that I was so self centered then. I didn't think i could give anything. But in reality I had loads to give to others and at that point I had so much anger towards the program. But then I had to step away and look at a different way people were thanking me for helping them with computer problems and other things as well since I was the veteran of sorts I knew what was expected and had found my place and figured out that I was completely blinded to by me and only me that I had to step away and take a look at it differently. Because when you a person with disabilities and your counselor who is supposed to get in touch with you and you can't get a hold of them you wonder if things will ever change and that you were being tossed around again. And that is no fun and by law stated in my IPE i was granted 6weeks of EDS not 3 and come to find out that my counselor changed my plan without my knowledge if I hadn't been in EDS then I would not have meet all the people and touched peoples lives and I would have not known what to do about my counselor. This happened all in a 4 day period no one would give answers until the group leader who worked for DORS stepped in and called the head boss and things got sorted out. And I am so grateful for that. I'm also grateful that this person handed me a persons name who was a counselor for adults with ADHD and so I emailed her and now will go meet her in two weeks to get my life back. Because it is not fair to me to hold onto all this anger and all the other emotions of being an Adult with ADHD. Then last Monday I walked into the classroom and had the biggest smile I have for the first time in a while and it felt great. It was like this weight had been lifted and it had because I was able to do things that would help me be successful and taught me to take a stand for me. And it was all GODS doing.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
We all wear some sort of masks no matter how famous or not so famous. We all have problems with ourselves that we want to hide from others. It doesn’t matter if we are the President of the United States you still will hide behind something. We all put on masks; whether it is in church, in front of our friends, in front of our parents, and ourselves. We sometimes can't even see our true selves because of the mask we put on. We hide behind all sorts of things in order to pretend everything is alright when everything is going wrong. We hide behind alcohol, food, drugs, sex, money, popularity, isolation. But why do we put on these masks in the first place?
We put on masks as a way of hiding from the outside world and ourselves. We get so scared that other people will judge us, so we act like everything is fine and dandy. But inside we are torn up. We hate ourselves so much that we begin to use extreme measures as a way to distort who we really are. We can’t even see how hurt we are inside. We are afraid to even show ourselves to other people. We place walls up so no one will know how we really feel. We put up barriers to hide our true selves from our friends. We are too scared that they will hurt us like other people hurt us in the past. We have trouble facing our own failures and faults to see the good in ourselves. We hate what we look like or hate how we look inside. So we take whatever it is being alcohol, food, drugs, cutting, or whatever it may be to hide how we feel inside. We think people will judge us because of our problems when really they may have the same exact problems we do only we are too blind too see it.
We need to let it go to God and He will take the mask off piece by piece. Once we give our troubles to God our mask will come off. Only God can see us for who we are and not what we've done. We need to turn over every thing to God because He will break down the walls little by little. We just need to let go. We have to be willing to let God work through our problems. We need to trust that God has great things for us. We have to let Him take over our life. We are too prideful to admit we need Him. So we keep on running and we keep on falling back on our old ways. But once He catches us and holds us we can feel safe in Him. We hide our true selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... and so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to God with our broken and desperate hearts. But we need to return to God because He is so loving and kind. He will heal the broken and desperate parts of our heart. He is the only One we can run to. He is our hope, and our peace. He needs to be our everything. We hide from others ourselves and God does not stop loving us. We hide from God and He does not stop loving us. We hurt ourselves and hurt others but God won't ever stop loving us. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve God to love us but He does anyway.
When things don't seem to be going the way you want them to go, don't get down on yourself. There may be a reason why things were going bad for you. We don't have control of what's going to happen in a day. We want to control our daily routines, but there is only one person who controls what happens to us each day and that is God. He wants to be the driver of our lives. He wants to take the keys from us and control us.
I recently read the Book “Ever After” by Karen Kingsbury and in it was a line that said: “Sometimes, life is so hard you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is, just do the next thing. God will meet you there." I think that’s a powerful statement.
This statement got me through a tough time in my life. That even when I made mistakes or hid form people or myself and GOD that I just had to push on even through the tough days.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
But then this past tuesday I finally met with my councelor for starting the prework process. Its basically a program where I'll go and they will help me with my resume help me prepare for interviews then I'll have group sessions with the Speech Therapist and other people as well. I havent been in speech theapy since grade school. But the dude said I could start on monday or tuesday if I wanted or he could fit me in the next group. And I told my mom and she said your starting next week. So I basically had no choice in the matter what so ever. But then I was thinking to myself I guess GOD thinks Im ready for this because then why would they have an opening otherwise. SO Im gonna go and trust GOD thatI can get through it. Even if I dont think Im ready. I got to start somewhere because in two weeks I will have been out of work for a year. And I still have issues that have not been worked out but maybe this thing will help build my confidence. But I guess this change is good. Even if it scares me. But GODs got my back and thats the only thing that matters.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
As I sit in my room watching the snow fall I sit and remember when I first came in contact with Hetty. It was towards the middle of May during a time when I was going through a lot. The first time I even heard of Hetty was from @MUSICBYALMA on a follow Friday suggestion. When she was still known as Hetty4Christ. So I decieded to click on Hetty's profile and saw we had some things in common. But isn't that like GOD when one friendship goes away or HE closes that door HE has someone or something already waiting that's better. It was a time when a friend from my Celebrate Recovery group decided to delete me from their friends list on facebook and was trying to convince me to switch groups. I was talking to GOD if this how it has to be I wont trust anyone else because I did and I ended up hurt again. I then asked if this was my way out of Celebrate Recovery because why would I want to be in a group with people who didn't want me in there. And so GOD shut that door. This was just a few weeks before Hetty came into my life. I was just beginning to get into twittering because I had lost my job the middle of April and needed some form of contact with people. SO I clicked on Hetty's name and read her profile again and then decided I would go a head and follow her. Then the next thing I know we start talking and find out we have lots in common. So I gave her my number cause she wanted to talk with me. I was nervous at first cause there where only a few people I talked to on the phone with. I didn't know if I was up to it but then she said she wouldn't bite and was so laid back and that is so true. The first time I spoke on the phone with her was when I was having a rough time. My parents had gone away for the weekend and I was gonna be gone for the weekend. She called me and we talked a long time she shared her story with me and I shared mine with her as well. Talking to her was like I knew her all my life. I felt safe and thought that maybe this friendship would be different then other friendships. I had explained to her that past friendship have resulted in tearing me down and Hetty told me that there is no need to tear you apart. I didn't know what to say after that. But I knew that GOD placed her in my life for a reason. During the second night at home I got really down and wanted to drink and I texted her and she said I didn't need it and she said just talk to GOD. Each time I get in a funk she would set me straight telling me I have to turn to GOD first. I always went to others first then GOD. I guess I had a problem trusting GOD would actually be there for me. I still struggle with that at times but Hetty still reminds me of that. I guess its the whole having trouble trusting others then how can I trust GOD that's how I viewed it and sometimes still do. She is also very patient with me when we talk. Because of having ADHD I can very random at times with my thoughts plus I like to change topics quickly. Talking with her is really like Ive known her all my life and yet only a couple of months. I am able to share with her stuff that I haven't shared with a lot of people. She doesn't judge me and told me that there is no need to tear down. She isn't afraid to give tough love when needed. She sure has given me some tough love and I am thankful for that. Because it put me back in my place when I was close to bottom. Told me I needed to go to GOD first. I am a better person knowing her. Its hard to see friends of mine sick or in hurting. I wish at times I could take it. But I know Hetty will make it through her surgery I will be praying for her. I know I have a lot to learn still and know that it is a process. But I am learning to trust others and open up to others Hetty has helped me in that way. So I thank God for our friendship. Because I am a better person now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
When your long day is over And you can barely drag your feet the weight of the world is on your shoulders I know what you need Bring it on Home to me.
(Bring It On Home Little Big Town)
In summer of 06 was the first time I heard little big town sing this song and something in that song hit me. when I was in summer school the last time in Wilson. I would have to walk to the appartment to class everyday and on those days I wanted to drink to numb out I put this song and just felt better I dont know why. Maybe because when your in over your head and nothing seems to go right during your day GOD is right there. HE is right there waiting to take the burdens off our shoulders.
Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. "
I just have to remember that. HE wants me to bring everything to HIM. Its hard for me to let go and let GOD.
"A really close friend and nurse from Highschool told me that she sees my disabilities like this..... Have you ever tried to walk in the deep end of the swimming pool? Like 4 or 5 feet of water? With every step and swing of your arm you have to push thru the water and the water pushes against you. It's really hard. You have to use so much extra energy and strength. You can walk but it takes so much more effort and time. When the water gets deeper you start to float a little. The bobbing around makes walking through the pool even harder because you have to fight to go straight as you get knocked side to side by the water. However, the people walking around on the pool deck move so much easier and faster. That must be what it is like to have disabilities.
Getting through school and life is like a race from one edge of the pool to the other. HOWEVER, in this race you have to be in the water but everyone else gets to walk on the concrete. Your disabilities make getting through life harder. You work your butt off and try so hard. You watch as other people seem to do things easier. I don’t think people realize what you are up against. They are like, "come on Katie". You can walk. Keep up. Everybody else can get across the pool. (yea but they are walking on the concrete, not thru the water!!) Of course you get frustrated, pissed off and sick of it. You get sick of being different.
Look at what you have accomplished. You've done as much or more than a lot of people that don’t have any obstacles in there way. The fact that you have worked so hard and achieved so much with the disabilities you have means that you are a better, stronger person than the average person! Does that make sense? If everyone had to be in the pool in the race to get across, many of them wouldn’t make it across. If everyone had to get through life and school with your same set of disabilities. I assure you that most would either quit or fail. You are a super-woman! You ROCK."
I had forgotten about this email she sent me till recently and its true. Its like the song and well I take everything and keep till it feels like Im trying to make it to the other side of the pool. Yet GOD wants me to give it to HIM so HE can help me get across. No I kept going because GOD gave me the strength I needed to get through each obstacle. I took whatever people said to me that I couldnt make it. I took the laughing at me cause I couldn't sit still in class or couldnt keep my mouth shut because what else could I do. I took the name calling and put it on my shoulders and on those nights when I didnt feel I was worth anything I'd remember the things people would say and believe them. But GOD does want that HE doesnt want me to hold on to it. But I do because its safe. HE wants me to let HIM take it. SO when my long day ends HE wants me to give it all to HIM. When the world said Katie you cannt do this. Katie you cannt do that. Katie you wont make it through college. I said Oh yes I can. Yes it was a stuggle and a battle at times but because I had GOD on my side I was able to succed only with HIS HELP. I didnt quit or go home when people in my dorm would write nasty things on my dry erase board. I didn't quit after roommate after roommate left because they didnt like how I lived. I didnt quit when I was in a huge depression. I didn't quit when I kept getting horrible migrains that kept me from going to classes. I didnt quit when I used alcohol to numb the pain. No I kept going because with GODs HELP I would be able to make it.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
This is video I did for my two dogs not the other because bailey wasnt even born yet. ISuch blessing to my life at a time when life was so not great. It was funny the first time my mom sent me the email saying weare getting two puppies at that point my heart that was oh so big again. They came home the day I was on train for 8hrs normally takes 4 and a half. But it was so worth it to shee these two puppies prancing and pouncing and chasing each other and then having them on my lap sleeping again made my heart grow. There full names are Theodore James and Thumper Marie they will be 4 years old january 6th.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Random pictures of me smiling and baby pictures thrown in there as well. I figured since Ive been down alot lately what better to make me feel better then do a video of pictures. The song was hard to pick but then I choose this song because in New Years Eve 06 I heard it and its a funky little song. You cannt but want to dance with this song.
Song is Dig Deep By Shawna P.
Every little thing is gonna be alright.