Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Can of Worms

Well today was my first day at The Treatment and Learning Center and it went well. Though I had to fill out paper work today which is always no fun. There was a section were they asked describe your strengths and what you liked about yourself. Yet when it came to weaknesses I listed so many and yet could only name a couple in strengths and a couple about myself. In doing this it has unleashed a lot of old wounds from previous work experiences. Its like I opened up a big can of stinky worms and then do not know how to clean it up afterwards. Its gonna be tough but I guess these issues have to be dealt with or when I do go back to work I will end up with the same results and out of work again. I know this time has to be different I need to begin my life again. Because its almost like this past year I have been off work I have just stalled and put my life on hold by not working. Maybe I am done the morning stage and am scared of opening up and being honest about how I was treated by employers and employees. Maybe this time will be different because this time I will have more people behind me pulling for me and praying for me. Because before when I was working and would have a bad day my so called church friends said suck it up and move on and so trying to tell them anything was like pulling teeth from an old man. When I was working not only was I hard on myself for making mistakes but I would be no picked or be put down or verbally abused. So trying to mend and move on is gonna take a bit of time. But I will make it. Because being stuck in this rut or downward spiral has got to end. Because I'm no good to anyone if I continue to spiral downwards. Because GOD must think I'm ready to move on. And HE wouldn't put me i a place where I am now if HE didn't think I was ready. I'm not to keen on change but if change will lead to me get my life back then I'm all ready for it. One of the reason why I am so hard on myself is because in my head I think I have to prove to myself and others that even with a learning disability and ADHD I can complete tasks and then when I make mistakes I get upset with myself. But hey at least I'm aware of this and can try to fix this. May take time and people building me up and encouraging me in order for me to get over this fear of making mistakes. I the thing is the counselors there should be encouraging me and not put whats happened down like it didn't happen. Like I cannot feel or be affected. I have feelings and the stuff I went through at previous jobs did happen. SO what if I'm different and things affect me differently than others in the group doesn't mean they can assume a thing. So what if I didnt see myself the way others see me doesn't mean a thing. I'M a person too. They tell me dont sell myself short and what not but do they live in my shoes no. They want me to make cold calls in the next 2 weeks and I refuse to I will its about the whole rejection thing. I know how I get when I dont get a job that sounded good after an interview and how it hurts. SO I will blatenly tell them no it will do more damage to me and if they want meto my friend kims parents own 2 restraunts and I will call kim. So in that sense I'm so glad I have a GOD that will see me through all of this and will not give up on me even when I feel like giving up. SO bring on the worms and lets get started. GODS got my back and that's a fact.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mask we wear January 08

I wrote this in 08 not knowing that I still have some mask to take off.

We all wear some sort of masks no matter how famous or not so famous. We all have problems with ourselves that we want to hide from others. It doesn’t matter if we are the President of the United States you still will hide behind something. We all put on masks; whether it is in church, in front of our friends, in front of our parents, and ourselves. We sometimes can't even see our true selves because of the mask we put on. We hide behind all sorts of things in order to pretend everything is alright when everything is going wrong. We hide behind alcohol, food, drugs, sex, money, popularity, isolation. But why do we put on these masks in the first place?

We put on masks as a way of hiding from the outside world and ourselves. We get so scared that other people will judge us, so we act like everything is fine and dandy. But inside we are torn up. We hate ourselves so much that we begin to use extreme measures as a way to distort who we really are. We can’t even see how hurt we are inside. We are afraid to even show ourselves to other people. We place walls up so no one will know how we really feel. We put up barriers to hide our true selves from our friends. We are too scared that they will hurt us like other people hurt us in the past. We have trouble facing our own failures and faults to see the good in ourselves. We hate what we look like or hate how we look inside. So we take whatever it is being alcohol, food, drugs, cutting, or whatever it may be to hide how we feel inside. We think people will judge us because of our problems when really they may have the same exact problems we do only we are too blind too see it.

We need to let it go to God and He will take the mask off piece by piece. Once we give our troubles to God our mask will come off. Only God can see us for who we are and not what we've done. We need to turn over every thing to God because He will break down the walls little by little. We just need to let go. We have to be willing to let God work through our problems. We need to trust that God has great things for us. We have to let Him take over our life. We are too prideful to admit we need Him. So we keep on running and we keep on falling back on our old ways. But once He catches us and holds us we can feel safe in Him. We hide our true selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... and so by hiding, we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to God with our broken and desperate hearts. But we need to return to God because He is so loving and kind. He will heal the broken and desperate parts of our heart. He is the only One we can run to. He is our hope, and our peace. He needs to be our everything. We hide from others ourselves and God does not stop loving us. We hide from God and He does not stop loving us. We hurt ourselves and hurt others but God won't ever stop loving us. Sometimes we feel like we don't deserve God to love us but He does anyway.
When things don't seem to be going the way you want them to go, don't get down on yourself. There may be a reason why things were going bad for you. We don't have control of what's going to happen in a day. We want to control our daily routines, but there is only one person who controls what happens to us each day and that is God. He wants to be the driver of our lives. He wants to take the keys from us and control us.

I recently read the Book “Ever After” by Karen Kingsbury and in it was a line that said: “Sometimes, life is so hard you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is, just do the next thing. God will meet you there." I think that’s a powerful statement.

This statement got me through a tough time in my life. That even when I made mistakes or hid form people or myself and GOD that I just had to push on even through the tough days.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Whats Up

Lets see well the past two weeks I have been going through a huge depression. It started because of a converstaion I had with my mom about wanting to get an IPHONE and change plans. So my mom said if I changed plans and could pay for it then I would have to pay all my medical bills and would not get any help what so ever. SO to say the least I was upset and disappointed and bummed out. Then I brought up wanting to get an itouch cause my ipod is on is not keeping a charge. And she tells me I have to wait till I get a job to get one. I did find an ipod charger that i got in college that allows me to use a battery to charge it so i may see if that helps till I can get a new ipod. I dont think she realizes how music helps me concentrate and keeps me from wigging out when under alot of stress. So its been a bit tense at home because of that. So it was like I was a little kid again being told you cannt have this or you have to wait. That made me go into a big rebelious mood where I wanted to get an iphone regardless of what my mom said but I didnt. I was so ready to get hotel and just leave my house. You ask what would that do but make things worse. But I needed out. I was beginning to sprial downward in a bad depression on top of that I was suffering from an major migrain for four days straight. I only came out of my room to get food to bring back to my room. I hadnt been this down in a long time. It was no fun at all. I had no where turn but to GOD. Something had to change because I couldnt go on the way I was. All I wanted to do was sleep. I hardly wanted to eat but made myself. How could I stay like that. All I could picture was summer of 08 when I pushed my friend Kim out and uped and disapeared from facebook from myspace. And I just wanted out. But I also hated every part of myself. SO I knew I didnt want to go back to that place where I had pusehed people away. I knew GOD was the only person who could help pull me out.What other choice was there. Not a good one. I knew with HIS help I could get back on track. I guess since Im almost 28 never dated and am not working and living at home with my parents was just a ripple effect. So now last friday I went to see Martina Mcbride and at the end of her concert GOD kinda spoke to me in a way through the songs she sang. HE said Love Me. Listen to what I say. Lean on ME always. Keep trying dont give up. Dont stop believing. And you are blessed. I scratched my head and looked at my friend and was like HE spoke to me and got my notebook out and started to jot those things down. Well also the fact that I stayed awake for 32 hours straight. I was afraid if I fell asleep we'ed miss our check out time plus I was keeping gaurd as we were in a very scary hotel and the loctation was scarey as well. Both of us didnt feel well and couldnt make it home so we stoped an hour from home in one of the nicest hotels we have been to. I didnt fall asleep till after we ate dinner.
But then this past tuesday I finally met with my councelor for starting the prework process. Its basically a program where I'll go and they will help me with my resume help me prepare for interviews then I'll have group sessions with the Speech Therapist and other people as well. I havent been in speech theapy since grade school. But the dude said I could start on monday or tuesday if I wanted or he could fit me in the next group. And I told my mom and she said your starting next week. So I basically had no choice in the matter what so ever. But then I was thinking to myself I guess GOD thinks Im ready for this because then why would they have an opening otherwise. SO Im gonna go and trust GOD thatI can get through it. Even if I dont think Im ready. I got to start somewhere because in two weeks I will have been out of work for a year. And I still have issues that have not been worked out but maybe this thing will help build my confidence. But I guess this change is good. Even if it scares me. But GODs got my back and thats the only thing that matters.