My year ended the way it began

Yet again my year ends the way it began with a horrible depression. Last year at this time I was out of work again. I was waiting to be placed back at BAE syestems again. So I thought it would be better this time that was so not true. It was worse off. My depression was on a rise I was headed for a major mental breakdown. I had no hope no vision I was litteraly at my end. But thank God for Little Big Town concert at the end of January in Myrtle Beach last year. What did happen then was I faced reality. Stayed up the longest ever over 48 hrs of no sleep and then go into a bar to see Little Big Town. But lets take it back during that day we kept getting lost then running into 3 of the memembers of Little Big Town in the venues restraunt. Which was so God. One of the memembers told me and my friend dont give up. Wow so needed to hear this at that moment because being at your end hearing someone who been there. Then at the end of the show went to the back where buses were and then another memeber came out and told me and a friend that being at the end of yourself is good in a way. But she also said God never gives you more than you can handle wow hit me hard. Then when me and my friend were in the concert these people next to us were so beyond intoxicated and it made me realize that I still had some bitterness and anger towards the bottle because I saw myself in those girls who were drinking. So when me and my friend stoped in wilson for the night I wnever forget that night as it was super bowl sunday well I went to my old church and got out of the car and looked up in the sky and asked God to for help. Then not even 4 to five days later I got a call from a friend either before the trip or just after saying I inspired her and was glad she was my friend. She said shed look forward to talkin when she returned from a vacation. I found out that friday at Celebrate Recovery that my friend had passed away on her cruise of a brain anurism. What big loss for me to know I may have been one of the last people she held a conversation with. Then I had another Little Big Town Concert in DC this time and got to meet them again this time it was at a bar again and where directtly in front as up on the stage you could be. Again one of the memembers during the concert looked at me and asked if i was doing better wooh. I was starting to come around and begginning to find myself again. So during the next couple months working at BAE Systems was full of emotionall and verbal abuse. Those words the two memembers said to me kept me sane during that time and going to more concverts helped that too. But as all this was going on I began to explore the world of twitter again. But not really into to it yet. I had gotten sick in middle of march with a double infection UTI and Sinus Infection that nearly went into Bronchitis. The drug I was given was awful it made me have a horrible anger and depression increased. When I stopped the med I began to have numbness on the left side of my face and horrible migrains due to stress for the most part. I was still going to Celebrate Recovery at that point. Then something happened at work that lead to me getting let go was reaching for HIM big at that point. During the last 2 weeks of work the verses that I clung to were Proverbs 3:5-6 Joshua 1:9 and Phillipians 4:13. Then maybe 2 weeks latter I stoped going to recovery because I felt like I wasnt welcomed in my group anymore. I was sick of being treated like crap and being belittled for having feelings. So thats when I started getting all into twitter. Friends on twitter through JESUS who wont belittle or talk down to you @fallinrain, @buffalopine, @spreadingJoy, @marrangee, @AnastasiaHIS, @AliveinMe, @pastorcarol, mcprodigal, @leslieblueeyes, soundsblue, and LucyAnnMoll. I am so blessed to know these people and greatful for there friendship. To know that I will not be belittle or talked down tonow is so reassuring. When I went down to the beach and thanksgiving with my parents and aunt uncle and cousins I got belittled because I used twitter to reach out to people. Not only that but my parents let everyone rip me to shreds.


So because I got migrains I went to see a neurologist and he gave me a preventative med that helped in ways it helped with my anger and my depression and even though I gained some weight and had not as severe headaches the neurologist took me off of it and put me on another one. The one I am currently on now the one that is not helping at all. Not only is it not helping it is making my depression worse then its been in a while. There are days now when I really could care less if I got up out of bed. I lost me and lost my hope. My Christmas was ok it passed like a blown out candle. One minute or day Im up and doing ok then Im back at bottom. One minute Im crying or tearing up and the next im fine. I know God never give me more than I can handle but I feel like Im far away from GOd like I walked out on HIM. Like all my hope and joy is gone. And this brings me to New Years Eve I was up and doing well then I was really down and have been ever since. Its like Im at bottom and am trying to reach to HIM but I just cannt reach hard enough. Or I just push HIM to the side. I want to work I dont want to be unmployed. Yet when I think about working I think how long will I last before I get let go and will I get verbally and emotionally abused again.
But as the year ended I am thankful I stayed sober another year and have made new friends and that I am important even if I dont think it at the time. Something I learned that GOD is always there and will help me get through whatever I am going through.
God Bless everyone. New Year I think Im ready for a radical change even if it hurts or brings me tomy knees Im ready to HOLD ON and PUT MY TRUST JESUS Alone.