Look at this photo today we got over a foot of snow. Now me and my family are stuck in our house. Cannot get out the front door. Can only go on the deck and in the grass but cannt leave the yard cause its fenced in... So I feel trapped and no where to go. I like my parents and all but its just not the same.
Today I found out that yet again my brother is blowing all of my parents money. He doesnt even care what it does to my mom. My dad and mom wont do a damn thing about it. Sorry for language im getting anger and frustration out. My brother doesnt give a flying fuck about what he is doing to his family. I had asked my mom if my brother was coming over for Christmas and you know what she said she had no idea. Because my brother doesnt care he runs over everyone evne his girlfriends. And because of how he treats me and my parents Im the one living at home if he screws up Im the one who gets it taken out on. Last christmas my brother stole a $25gift card to target for my parents god daughter and then he went into my room and stole my $50 itunes gift card and what exactly did my parents do absolutely not a damn thing. He borrows money left and right from my parents and when i ask for a few dollars its like fighting tooth and nail. Am I not good enough or wait they dont want to doing anything and baby my brother so then he thinks its ok to spend other peoples money. In 2003 after he graduated highschool he got in an accident and did my parents think to tell me nope. He totaled the car he had one of his friends in the car and was going to fast and hit a pole. I think he was trying to kill himself. But that is just my oppion. Then while we both were on fall break he decided he didnt wanna live so he took a bunch of pills. Then my mom comes in room at 4 am in the morning telling me they have to go to take my broto the hospital. SO when I had my very low days where I didnt wanna wake up I had to hide how dare I feel anything at all how dare I need to go see a counselor or go to specialist like the Gastrologist or Neurologist or Urologist but I went because I was supper sick they didnt believe me that i wasnt feeling well.
I dont know where my joy of the Christmas season went. I dont know if I really have had it. Kinda dampens things when you have to play santa for your dad who wont go out and shop for my mom. And then I have to wrap them myself. I dont like being down like I am. I dont like not having any joy or hope. Im tired of being the tough one in the house acting like everything is all fine and dandy when it so is not. I wish I could get this whole surrendering everything to GOD. I wish I could enjoy this holiday and noot be depressed. Its like I got off Gods band wagon and shut down. Because right now I feel like I am just existing and not really living. I know He didnt leave me and wont ever. But I feel like left Him sitting in a parking lot. I cannt sleep through the night anymore I wake up stiff as a door knob and then am up for bit then go back to sleep then up again. Im getting tired of it. I need sleep because I know it would so help with my moods.
Again I am sorry for the use of curse words.
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