Pretending

When you were younger did you used to pretend that you were a King and Queen or were a night coming to the rescue? In grade school growin up I pretended to be granny lady. Id walk all hunched over anduse a stick as a cane. I thought maybe people would notice me and want to talk to me. They saw me as a silly girl who didnt know how to behave normal. I didnt want them to see the real me. I was ashamed of having ADHD and a Learning Disability. I didnt want people to see that I was struggling each and everyday. That I hated me. I pretended to be someone who I grew to hate and maybe there is still a little part that hates it. I had no clue of how to behave or even act. I was suupposed to be good and sit still and keep my mouth shut oh wait ya I couldnt. In first grade I had to start takin meds for my ADD. Got made fun of because I had to go to the office after lunch to get meds. I also got made fun of because Id have to go to another school to get speach and language. So it became an act Id pretend to be happy Id act like everythin was ok when inside I was dying. Because why show people that I hate myself. I promised myself I would never drink and get high but I got to college and wanted to fit in. So yet again I begain to pretend I was good. Hey people where talkin to me so why not pretend more. Hey got the name crazy freakin Katie. So I figured I needed to live up to that name. Id run down the hallways pace the halls. I hated myself so bad that even the alcohol and pot wasnt cutting it. I was going to mass as much couldnt find what I was missing. Id say to myself your worthless, you dont deserve anything, your stupid, you cannt even do anything right, you are pathetic. Id tear myself apart and destroy my self. Who wanted to love me or even be my friend because I couldnt keep friends theyd always find reasons to back away or treat me like dirt how was I not supposed to pretend I was ok. I wanted the pain inside to stop. I wanted it to show outside so I began burnin myself with lighter. Then my friend found out and they gave me an ultimatium want to live or die. I wanted to live. But didnt know how I was gonna stop pretending. I found GOD in 03. Had no idea what the deal was but it had to be better then how I was surviving. I had no ideaa it would change my life. I had no idea church could be fun. Im tired of pretend everything is ok when its not. I want ot be real and not pretend anymore. Its very hard but Im gonna start and not pretend. GOD been there through it all. I just was blind and was caught up in how bad it was inside me that I couldnt see Him workin. Im gonna try not to pretend anymore and just live my life.