I’m gonna start from the beginning.
Before I decided to go to CMA fan fest with Kim I began to scratch myself again because I was hurting on the inside so bad that I needed to feel the pain outside too. At the time I was reaching out to people in my group but no one seemed to care that I was really so far gone that God would have to reach down hit me on the head and change me in order to want to go on living. I had no hope left I was pushing people away even Kim. I was isolating myself from the world. I also began to stop eating 2 times a day. But that didn’t last long cause my boss at work made sure I ate my lunch. I was going down fast and hard. My life was spiraling downwards into the pit and I was barely holding on. No one seemed to care that I was slipping away. I wasn’t talking to anyone. I really was on bad terms with myself. I needed to get away and see if I could figure out some of this on my own so I called up Kim in the beginning of April to go to CMA fan fest with her from June 1st to the 10th. I really felt a pull to go. I needed to get away from work, my home, and life in general. I thought it was a good idea at the time to get away. People in my Recovery group told me it would be a bad idea for me to go to Nashville with Kim. They said you would be running away from your problems and when you come back they’d still be there. I of course did not listen to them and would latter regret it. I thought at the time I was going to get the $600 from the stimulus plan but only received $300. The $600 was supposed to help pay for my half of the trip. So while this was going on at work I was getting picked on by the person who I was working for. I was told I couldn’t listen to music while I was doing my work. I was getting attacked by the stapler and the hole puncher stupid but made people wonder what was wrong with me. So its 2 weeks before I go on my trip and I begin to have these horrible headaches that would literally cause me mass amounts of pain that wiped me out. So I went to the Dr. and they told me to go get an MRI. So at the time I asked my mother if she would go with me and she said she was very busy and didn’t want to go. I was very hurt because I needed her there with me so I wouldn’t get scared. I told my leader of my group what happened and she was able to go with me and sit with me while I was going through the MRI. Which was supper nice of her. It wasn’t until my birthday on May 31st that I told my mom I was going to Nashville the worst decision ever. I was gonna go and no one was gonna stop me. I upset her and she was disappointed in me. That was the worst feeling in the world knowing that my own mother was disappointed. My birthday absolutely sucked. Ya I got what I wanted. I wanted my mom to spend the day with me. But oh no she and my dad had to go to their godsons graduation. That made me feel like I was worthless that I wasnt important to them. It made me feel like I didn’t matter. Which is a great way to start a vacation? On top of that I was starting to get sick which I had no idea about till latter sinus infection and serious case of bronchits. So now we are in Nashville and we go to a celebrity bowling event for St. Judes hospital. It was ok but I got another headache. I got to give my gift that I made to little big town. I even got to talk to my favorite one Karen and she told me that everything was gonna be fine and that I needed to pray and stay strong. That made me feel better. I was silly enough not to wear sun screen so my first sunburn on the first day of the trip what a great way to start the trip. We went a toured the city the next day and got burnt. We were waiting for Wednesday to come because that was the big day when Kim would give them her surprise. She got a group of people together to donate money to world vision for music supplies in the name of each band member. The big day… So we get in the venue and make are way up to the front of the stage and Kim tells me she can’t find her ticket so she starts freaking out and I give her mine because I knew she really needed it more then me. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make. She was becoming distraught and I was getting very annoyed cause she wouldn’t take the ticket. She eventually took the ticket though. I was able to meet them to due to a very nice girl who offered me her ticket. I was shocked that someone would do that for me. I was so blessed because she was so nice to me. We actually were joking and what not. I was enjoying myself and not thinking about how bad my head hurt. I had gotten the news that everything was fine. I knew what I had to do. I decided to make a sign for the girl and have little big town sign it and then send it to her. We found that Little Big Town would be doing a signing on Friday at the convention center so we decided to go. On Thursday my throat started to get kind of scratchy and I was sneezing more then normal. We had a Celebrity softball game to go too. Unfortunately we got cooked. We wore sunscreen but that didn’t help. So early Friday morning we went to see little big town we got there at 3 am and waited to meet them. By the time we got in the doors all the tickets were gone. We were getting pushed around and almost beat a couple of people up. We went in the hopeful line. We did end up meeting them. By the time we reached the hopeful line we had been awake a little over 24hrs. At that point we were ready to kill people. When I got up to meet them one of guys was in the band tried to give me a hug and I grimaced in pain due to the fact that my shoulders were completely burnt. I felt like I was gonna break down and cry right there on the spot in front of them which has happened before but also in front of millions of people. Little big Town did sign the sign for the girl and I was very happy about that.
Warning the next part is really rough and it has negative thoughts in it. Ok so we go back to the hotel and I can’t talk at all. It hurt to cough I said oh great not again. I tried to get in touch with some people to let them know how I was doing and no one answered I tried to reach out but no one was their. My friend wasn’t able to help me. I called my dad to ask if my mom put $20 in my account so I could get some medicine he said your moms disappointed and doesn’t want to put money in your account. I went in to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror began tunting myself to and said look at yourself you look pathetic. You disappointed your mother. How dare you. Your worthless. You cannt even keep a job for long periods of time. I started to cry and went out of the bathroom and tried calling someone because I was beyond rock bottom I couldn’t reach anyone so I told Kim if any one calls its too late and she just looked at me concerned she couldn’t help me. I went outside with my bear and began to cry more I told God that I couldn’t take it anymore. He either show up and help me or I was gonna quite and go back to drinking again. I told Him I needed something to change because I felt like I didn’t matter. I wanted the pain from within to stop. I was so tired and exhausted it had been over 24 hours without sleep. I finally came back in and cried myself to sleep. I began to feel a little better as I was sleeping like it was ok. But when I woke from the sleep maybe 3 hours total cause we had to go to the evening concerts. I woke up and had a fever of 100.1. I was sick as a dog but me being the person that I am went with her to the concert anyway. I could barely talk my lungs hurt from coughing so much all I wanted to do was sleep. On the way back I was singing and she laughed at me because I was coughing it hurt me to hear her laugh at me when Im sick as a dog. I said to myself I guess this is it then I need to let go for a while and get myself taken care of because she apparently didn’t care. We were on are way home and we ate a dennys and I asked if she was going to recovery the next week and she said she didn’t know. It was like a stone hiting me. Because she didn’t want to get better so I made the decision to not talk to her anymore. I was so hurt and mad at myself for wasting 9 years of life. I was disappointed because I knew my group was right. After we got back I decided to move on with my life and take care of Katie for a change. I went to another recovery meeting and found out all about Coe Dependency and realized I was in a Coe dependent relationship and didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be free. ANd God was there through it all He just wanted me to be at my end so He could get a hold of me and Im so glade HE did.
Before I decided to go to CMA fan fest with Kim I began to scratch myself again because I was hurting on the inside so bad that I needed to feel the pain outside too. At the time I was reaching out to people in my group but no one seemed to care that I was really so far gone that God would have to reach down hit me on the head and change me in order to want to go on living. I had no hope left I was pushing people away even Kim. I was isolating myself from the world. I also began to stop eating 2 times a day. But that didn’t last long cause my boss at work made sure I ate my lunch. I was going down fast and hard. My life was spiraling downwards into the pit and I was barely holding on. No one seemed to care that I was slipping away. I wasn’t talking to anyone. I really was on bad terms with myself. I needed to get away and see if I could figure out some of this on my own so I called up Kim in the beginning of April to go to CMA fan fest with her from June 1st to the 10th. I really felt a pull to go. I needed to get away from work, my home, and life in general. I thought it was a good idea at the time to get away. People in my Recovery group told me it would be a bad idea for me to go to Nashville with Kim. They said you would be running away from your problems and when you come back they’d still be there. I of course did not listen to them and would latter regret it. I thought at the time I was going to get the $600 from the stimulus plan but only received $300. The $600 was supposed to help pay for my half of the trip. So while this was going on at work I was getting picked on by the person who I was working for. I was told I couldn’t listen to music while I was doing my work. I was getting attacked by the stapler and the hole puncher stupid but made people wonder what was wrong with me. So its 2 weeks before I go on my trip and I begin to have these horrible headaches that would literally cause me mass amounts of pain that wiped me out. So I went to the Dr. and they told me to go get an MRI. So at the time I asked my mother if she would go with me and she said she was very busy and didn’t want to go. I was very hurt because I needed her there with me so I wouldn’t get scared. I told my leader of my group what happened and she was able to go with me and sit with me while I was going through the MRI. Which was supper nice of her. It wasn’t until my birthday on May 31st that I told my mom I was going to Nashville the worst decision ever. I was gonna go and no one was gonna stop me. I upset her and she was disappointed in me. That was the worst feeling in the world knowing that my own mother was disappointed. My birthday absolutely sucked. Ya I got what I wanted. I wanted my mom to spend the day with me. But oh no she and my dad had to go to their godsons graduation. That made me feel like I was worthless that I wasnt important to them. It made me feel like I didn’t matter. Which is a great way to start a vacation? On top of that I was starting to get sick which I had no idea about till latter sinus infection and serious case of bronchits. So now we are in Nashville and we go to a celebrity bowling event for St. Judes hospital. It was ok but I got another headache. I got to give my gift that I made to little big town. I even got to talk to my favorite one Karen and she told me that everything was gonna be fine and that I needed to pray and stay strong. That made me feel better. I was silly enough not to wear sun screen so my first sunburn on the first day of the trip what a great way to start the trip. We went a toured the city the next day and got burnt. We were waiting for Wednesday to come because that was the big day when Kim would give them her surprise. She got a group of people together to donate money to world vision for music supplies in the name of each band member. The big day… So we get in the venue and make are way up to the front of the stage and Kim tells me she can’t find her ticket so she starts freaking out and I give her mine because I knew she really needed it more then me. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make. She was becoming distraught and I was getting very annoyed cause she wouldn’t take the ticket. She eventually took the ticket though. I was able to meet them to due to a very nice girl who offered me her ticket. I was shocked that someone would do that for me. I was so blessed because she was so nice to me. We actually were joking and what not. I was enjoying myself and not thinking about how bad my head hurt. I had gotten the news that everything was fine. I knew what I had to do. I decided to make a sign for the girl and have little big town sign it and then send it to her. We found that Little Big Town would be doing a signing on Friday at the convention center so we decided to go. On Thursday my throat started to get kind of scratchy and I was sneezing more then normal. We had a Celebrity softball game to go too. Unfortunately we got cooked. We wore sunscreen but that didn’t help. So early Friday morning we went to see little big town we got there at 3 am and waited to meet them. By the time we got in the doors all the tickets were gone. We were getting pushed around and almost beat a couple of people up. We went in the hopeful line. We did end up meeting them. By the time we reached the hopeful line we had been awake a little over 24hrs. At that point we were ready to kill people. When I got up to meet them one of guys was in the band tried to give me a hug and I grimaced in pain due to the fact that my shoulders were completely burnt. I felt like I was gonna break down and cry right there on the spot in front of them which has happened before but also in front of millions of people. Little big Town did sign the sign for the girl and I was very happy about that.
Warning the next part is really rough and it has negative thoughts in it. Ok so we go back to the hotel and I can’t talk at all. It hurt to cough I said oh great not again. I tried to get in touch with some people to let them know how I was doing and no one answered I tried to reach out but no one was their. My friend wasn’t able to help me. I called my dad to ask if my mom put $20 in my account so I could get some medicine he said your moms disappointed and doesn’t want to put money in your account. I went in to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror began tunting myself to and said look at yourself you look pathetic. You disappointed your mother. How dare you. Your worthless. You cannt even keep a job for long periods of time. I started to cry and went out of the bathroom and tried calling someone because I was beyond rock bottom I couldn’t reach anyone so I told Kim if any one calls its too late and she just looked at me concerned she couldn’t help me. I went outside with my bear and began to cry more I told God that I couldn’t take it anymore. He either show up and help me or I was gonna quite and go back to drinking again. I told Him I needed something to change because I felt like I didn’t matter. I wanted the pain from within to stop. I was so tired and exhausted it had been over 24 hours without sleep. I finally came back in and cried myself to sleep. I began to feel a little better as I was sleeping like it was ok. But when I woke from the sleep maybe 3 hours total cause we had to go to the evening concerts. I woke up and had a fever of 100.1. I was sick as a dog but me being the person that I am went with her to the concert anyway. I could barely talk my lungs hurt from coughing so much all I wanted to do was sleep. On the way back I was singing and she laughed at me because I was coughing it hurt me to hear her laugh at me when Im sick as a dog. I said to myself I guess this is it then I need to let go for a while and get myself taken care of because she apparently didn’t care. We were on are way home and we ate a dennys and I asked if she was going to recovery the next week and she said she didn’t know. It was like a stone hiting me. Because she didn’t want to get better so I made the decision to not talk to her anymore. I was so hurt and mad at myself for wasting 9 years of life. I was disappointed because I knew my group was right. After we got back I decided to move on with my life and take care of Katie for a change. I went to another recovery meeting and found out all about Coe Dependency and realized I was in a Coe dependent relationship and didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be free. ANd God was there through it all He just wanted me to be at my end so He could get a hold of me and Im so glade HE did.
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