Unknown

So for some reason today I really am getting a little bit depressed about my money running out in a month or two maybe longer then I think. I think it scares me to even begin to look for work because of how I was treated at past jobs and the fact that I havent held a job for more then a couple months or even weeks at a time. I am always afraid of screwin up and then getting talked to the boss. Oh wait did I mention the emotional verbal abuse that I fear might happen again. Or the thought of being laughed at for my work habbits. I try to hide the fact that I have ADHD because I dont want to be treated differently. I dont want to settle for a job because I need the money or because the health benifits are good and sound too good to be true. When i make a mistake at work you know whatruns through my mind your worthless, you cannt do anything right, why do you even bother cause your no good, your stupid, my favorite your not good enough, and so on and so forth. Then begins the viscious cycle of depression anger and wanting a different life or even numbing out or self injuring myself because I hated myself. I dont know if can say that I its gone no the anger and depression is still here. Can I say the self hate is sgone no its stil come up everyknow and again. But I can say I am learning to love myself and push away those self bashing. And I think God is helpin me grow even more each day. The other day was the first day in a couple of weeks that I actually felt excited to be alive and had energy. I have not had the energy to do much of anything lately. Maybe a self pitty party or maybe just bad depression that keeps comin back. Lately I find myself on the really tough days wanting to numb out with a cold beer but that would be the easy way out and I aint no quiter. Im so glad I have people out there praying for me and encouraging me through these last few weeks. I want to be happy and not feel like everything is crumbling down inside. I want to let go but have trouble. But in due time I will and I will be really free. I hate not being able to feel at all and being so numb that I want the pain inside to show outside. Im gonna hold on to GOD and trust theres somethin better out there for me. And maybe that will give me hope that the right job for me is out there Im just not where I want to be but am where God wants me. Guess thats okay with me.