testimony continued

October 29th 2005 a day that I will never forget. A day when a little piece of my heart died. A day when I lost my beloved dog Mattie. It was two days before halloween when I got the call from my mom saying we put Mattie to sleep because she was siezing and her little heart was failing. I was 200 miles away from home in my second to last semester at college. All I could think was I wanna be home with my family grieving. Me and my dad said if she was suffering that we will put her down so she wouldnt be in pain. My teachers were understanding that I needed time to grieve. But I was litteraly falling apart inside. My whole world as I knew it was crashing right before my eyes. The sad thing is when I needed distraction no one was there I was in a room by myself. Only me and God in that room that day I got the phone call all i could think of is I lost my best friend who always when I came home from school had the biggest tail wag and on those days when I had a bad day she was there right by my side. But God was there in that room that day. When I had no one to talk to no one to hug. When everyone had plans that didnt include me He was there. Lots of things crossed my mind being alone in that room. Like how it would be easy to go back into self injuring myself taking extra headache medicine. On the 30th a friend took me to the mall in Raliegh and I made a build a bear in memory of my dog. But changed it to Matthew James instead of Matilda aka MATTIE. I had to get out or I would do something I would have regreted. Thank God on Halloween the church I went to had a party of sorts that I served at so I was distracted for a bit though I was vacant. It was like death had swallowed me whole. Everyone in FCA told me to move on and deal with it. Ok my thought was they didnt just lose a dog that they grew up with and find out about over the phone not being able to be comforted by your family. Yes I still went to church every weekend and even to the midweek service. But I was vacant just going through the motions. Till one night in november when a women in church who took me under her wing and got me to church on sundays and a friend from FCA. Came up to me after church basically telling me "Katie you have two choices you can either live or die" Well choose to live. I basically needed GOD to come and slap me in the face saying look what ur doing to yourself. So from November till New Years I became sober. Life at home was hard with out Mattie. Thanksgiving and Christmas that year had been tough. I thank God that I wasnt home for that long period. I had been searching online for dogs because home had not been the same. Told my mom if they wanted me home after college we needed dogs. So my mom tells my dad we are getting a dog actually 2 brother and sister. They arrived home when I came home for Easter. My mom went to pick them up. God was there through it all in the darkest times He was there. When I wanted to give up on myself He was there not giving up on me. I know that because I had God in my life I was able to get through it. I praise God for that because I never wanna be that low again where I have a choice of living or dying. I do remember having on my computer screen these words "What would you do if you knew you couldnt fail" and "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." God took a big stick and wacked me with it to get me back on my feet.

During my time off from school for Christmas break me and a friend go to Nashville TN for a concert and to get away well those months being sober ending real quick. We went on a tour that ended in bar that you got free alcohol so I get a drink and finish it quickly then my friend had the same one but she didnt like it so I finished hers. Then from that day till mid June I went crazy with drinking and rebelled.
At this time my friends or who I thought were friends began to tell lies about the pastor of the church I went to so I really didnt go to church that much during this time because there was big divison and well I began to feel out of place. So I stoped going to FCA and needless to say a group from another church had been started for people my age and older so that was so a GOD thing. I was inluded in stuff

So its my last semester in school and I have my internship and well I have sex with a guy who was alot older then me I was 24 he was 40. Ok yes alcohol was involved. He would call me on his way home from work at like 1 Am then come by the dorm pick me up and we'd go back to his place and have sex then around 4 or 5 hed drop me off and I sneak back up to my room and sleep for a bit then get up the next day mind you I lived on a alcohol free floor. S I had to do the old 1.2.3. sober and walk in the door and hope no one was in the lobby and that they wouldnt ask questions. So this went on awhile. Till I screw up my internship by putting my hand on one of the kids cause the kid had one of those black boots on u get when u mess up ur foot. I was going for the basketball and he was on a swing and his boot hit my head and out of shock I gently put my hand on his shoulder and he goes and tells his mom on me and I nearly lose my internship but because of Gods grace I was able to stay and help organize files in a building that had black mold growing in it. So I was getting more headaches then normal and also getting UTIs alot.

So heres more as the year progressed an old roomate of mine had ticketts to see the Chip and Dales dancers at a strip club in Raligh. So I go and i get plastered forgeting that I have to be up early for basketball scorekeeping. Ya I had a hangover could hardley make it through the first game.

Ok so I tell my friend from FCA that id be at the senior banquette but I never showed up because my the people in my major went to dinner and I had been drinking i didnt go because I had a headache from drinking and they came to my room and give me the gift and I couldnt even look them in the face because I was ashamed of what I had become.

So then the wednesday before for graduation i get a call from the acdemic office or whatever saying I wouldnt be able to get my diploma I could walk with the class but no diploma. The words I so didnt want to hear again my world as knew feel to the ground all hope I had gone all I had worked for gone or so I thought. I would have to go to summer school and make up 2 classes no big deal.

SO its Graduation sunday and my church that week held a Womens Conference and one of the women who lead Maria Durso prayed over me that all alcohol addiction would be no more that I would be completely healed and delievred from it. Leaving that church I saw everyone in white robes as I walked out the doors that day like this door is shut for good.

So I go home and go to LA for my graduation present and my cousins baby shower and I still am drinking. I come back and celbrate my birthday with a friend and get plastered to the point of throwing up. Well my friend was sleeping downstairs and i was up in her bathroom clinging to the toilet never had I been this sick. I was miserable then a women who i talked about earlier gave me another utlimatium I could either stop talking with her all together or I could stop drinking and get my life together so I choose get sober. I got on my knees and asked GOD to take it away completely because I was headed in a bad direction if HE didnt intervene on my behalf. So later on I find out after endoscopy I had GERD which if I continued to drink I would need serious surgery to replace the flap that stops stuff from going in my lungs. SO there you have it my way out. And when I did get tempted in the beggining HE would ever so slightly remind me of lasast time drinking and about it could cause me to have surgery.

Through it all God was there through my rebellion and HE provided ways out. Now its 09 and have a little ovver 3 years of sobriety all thanks to JESUS. He never never gave up on me when I so gave up on myself. He was there waiting for me to come to my senses.

These two songs I really clung to the lyrics and message behind them during this time.
"You never give up on me, No, You never give up on me, Though Im weak You are strong, You told me I still belong, No, You never give up on me." Never Give Up on ME: Josh Bates"

"We live we love, We forgive and never give up, Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above, Today we remember to live and to love."We Live: Supperchick
Some more songs that I clung to through it Casting Crowns Stain Glass Masquerade, Does Anyone Here Her, Love them like JESUS, Praise You in this Storm, Lifesong and Set Me Free this is the was the song that was playing in car ride home from church the day I decided I wanted to live.

I heard this one at my first Casting Crowns concert about her friend who commited suicide and it hit me that He will find me no matter how far I have gone away and hide Hes there
Hold On Nichole Nordeman
It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needle's endIt will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a stranger's bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you've called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledgeSo baby don't look down, it's a long way
The sun will come around to a new day
So hold on Love will find you Hold on He's right behind you now Just turn around And love will find you
It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bedSo baby don't believe that it's over
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner?To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it