The Girl
Who is this girl? What are people going to think of her when they find out who she really is? She was so innocent with her smile. Deep down inside she was scared and afraid of what people might think when the found out she was different from everyone else.She would barley speak.She was tormented by her friends.She had one friend who taught her how to play nicely. You see no one knew the thoughts that were floating in her head.Her parents had no idea what was going on with her.She sits in her room at wishing someone would want invite her to their house.The phone never rang. She’d hear something about the parties and would be hurt and disappointed because no one wanted to be around someone different. They’d give her excuses and lies that later she began to use to protect her from being hurt. She would hide under that smile pretending that everything was ok when it really wasn’t.She knew how to hide she knew how to lie. So began her life behind the mask.She began making excuses why she wouldn’t eat.No one knew the tormenting thoughts she was thinking.Then people began to laugh and make jokes about her.She needed to do something.She began to take on the role of fighting and granny lady. She found a stick and used it as a cane.What would they say now? They had to notice her. So she thought.People did begin to notice her and would talk to her. They still didn’t invite her over to their houses.They had to be nice to her because she would tell on them or hurt them.She was a girl with so many problems and had no one to help her fix them. She played sports just to fit in with the rest of the kids. She used the sports as a way to meet people. She thinks to herself if I’m an athlete then someone has to like me.She found a sport that she liked.She began to use the sport as a way to get out pent up frustrations and anger. She began to have dreams that were so big.Those dreams in the end would die.She always had big dreams that ended up dying.She loved the game so much that when she couldn’t play in high school she was devastated. She asked if she could manage the team instead. She had to be part of the game to survive. She was a nobody with out the game. She gained respect from her peers because of her devotion to the game. She Knew this would get her in with different people. She found something to keep her mind at rest or so she thought.She had something to look forward to. The other escape for her was her dog Mattie. She loved her so much. When she wasn’t playing the sport she was with her dog.When she was away from her dog her heart would ache. What would people say? What would people think of her? How will she go on. How would she react to these people in her new school?Why is everything so hard for this little girl?She was sexually abused by two people she thought were her friends. One happened to be her next door neighbor. She felt like trash. She felt defiled. How could she even tell someone about what happened to her? She didn’t know it was wrong or even rape. How could she know she was a kid in a big girl’s body. She felt dirty and still does knowing she can never get her innocence backCan’t anyone see how she is suffering inside. Of course not she hides it pretty well with that smile of hers. Don’t they know the tormenting thoughts that are running through her head. Oh boy does she have everyone fooled by her fake smile and all those masks she wears. She needed to bring the pain within outward. She needed something to cope.Her relationship with her best friend changed. She was not allowed to spend the night her house anymore.What’s she gonna do now ? How is she gonna deal with it? She stuffs it down inside because processing it would do more harm. Now she had no one to talk to or hang out with. She was all alone again.She had no way out of the tormenting thoughts and the guilt.She was a girl with many problems and no way to deal with them.She felt so alone and hid in her room to get away from everything.She needed to be loved.She needed to be accepted.Her mom was never home. Her dad stayed at home while her mom worked. When her mom came home she would have a glass of wine which back then she had no idea how that would effect her. She had to ask for hugs from her parents. She was never told by her parents that they loved her. Their way was taking her to appointments and taking her to sporting events.She was spiraling downward to a breakdown.She is afraid of making mistakes cause her dad would get mad at her.She wasn’t allowed to cry because only weak people cry or so she was told by her parents. She stuffed and stuffed till she couldn’t stuff anymore.She was a frail little girl with big problems and no way to get to the bottom of the problems. She needed to be accepted by her friends and parents.She had a lot of time alone to think about her problems. She was very shy and had no confidence in her abilities or herself.She was on the outside looking in.She made herself into what people wanted so she could fit in.How were they to know she was just pretending? She wore so many masks to hide the pain. She tried to reach out for help but her parents told you don’t needed to be tough and strong. No one wanted to deal with her not even her parents.Look at her all innocent no one has any idea what she has been through.She looked in the mirror and didn’t like what she saw. All those times of stuffing would end up hunting her.When she went to college her life would be turned upside down and twisted in many directions and its miracle she’s still around?She would end up starting to drink and get high to numb the pain from years of hurt.She was so numb from the pain that she had to do something. Most people in college don’t go through 7 roommate’s in6 years. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most peoples college roommates don’t end up having a asthma attack while in the room their freshman year and have wait for EMS to arrive while trying not to have a complete meltdown. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college dogs don’t die when they are away and are told to just deal with it. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most college people don’t have siblings that have to go to the mental hospital due to not wanting to live. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t wake up and have an out of body experience. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t get so drunk that their body is on fire and they can hardly move and are placed in bed with their friends and find that their friend and boyfriend were having sex while she was in the bed. Wait yes it did it happened to her. The girl used alcohol in college to mask all the pain. She had nothing to look forward to or live for until her friend Kim showed told her about Little Big Town and once she heard them in concert she fell in love with the music and now had something to look forward to. She would end up giving her life to God the day she graduated from college. She also ended a long battle with alcohol and has been sober ever since.
Who is this girl? What are people going to think of her when they find out who she really is? She was so innocent with her smile. Deep down inside she was scared and afraid of what people might think when the found out she was different from everyone else.She would barley speak.She was tormented by her friends.She had one friend who taught her how to play nicely. You see no one knew the thoughts that were floating in her head.Her parents had no idea what was going on with her.She sits in her room at wishing someone would want invite her to their house.The phone never rang. She’d hear something about the parties and would be hurt and disappointed because no one wanted to be around someone different. They’d give her excuses and lies that later she began to use to protect her from being hurt. She would hide under that smile pretending that everything was ok when it really wasn’t.She knew how to hide she knew how to lie. So began her life behind the mask.She began making excuses why she wouldn’t eat.No one knew the tormenting thoughts she was thinking.Then people began to laugh and make jokes about her.She needed to do something.She began to take on the role of fighting and granny lady. She found a stick and used it as a cane.What would they say now? They had to notice her. So she thought.People did begin to notice her and would talk to her. They still didn’t invite her over to their houses.They had to be nice to her because she would tell on them or hurt them.She was a girl with so many problems and had no one to help her fix them. She played sports just to fit in with the rest of the kids. She used the sports as a way to meet people. She thinks to herself if I’m an athlete then someone has to like me.She found a sport that she liked.She began to use the sport as a way to get out pent up frustrations and anger. She began to have dreams that were so big.Those dreams in the end would die.She always had big dreams that ended up dying.She loved the game so much that when she couldn’t play in high school she was devastated. She asked if she could manage the team instead. She had to be part of the game to survive. She was a nobody with out the game. She gained respect from her peers because of her devotion to the game. She Knew this would get her in with different people. She found something to keep her mind at rest or so she thought.She had something to look forward to. The other escape for her was her dog Mattie. She loved her so much. When she wasn’t playing the sport she was with her dog.When she was away from her dog her heart would ache. What would people say? What would people think of her? How will she go on. How would she react to these people in her new school?Why is everything so hard for this little girl?She was sexually abused by two people she thought were her friends. One happened to be her next door neighbor. She felt like trash. She felt defiled. How could she even tell someone about what happened to her? She didn’t know it was wrong or even rape. How could she know she was a kid in a big girl’s body. She felt dirty and still does knowing she can never get her innocence backCan’t anyone see how she is suffering inside. Of course not she hides it pretty well with that smile of hers. Don’t they know the tormenting thoughts that are running through her head. Oh boy does she have everyone fooled by her fake smile and all those masks she wears. She needed to bring the pain within outward. She needed something to cope.Her relationship with her best friend changed. She was not allowed to spend the night her house anymore.What’s she gonna do now ? How is she gonna deal with it? She stuffs it down inside because processing it would do more harm. Now she had no one to talk to or hang out with. She was all alone again.She had no way out of the tormenting thoughts and the guilt.She was a girl with many problems and no way to deal with them.She felt so alone and hid in her room to get away from everything.She needed to be loved.She needed to be accepted.Her mom was never home. Her dad stayed at home while her mom worked. When her mom came home she would have a glass of wine which back then she had no idea how that would effect her. She had to ask for hugs from her parents. She was never told by her parents that they loved her. Their way was taking her to appointments and taking her to sporting events.She was spiraling downward to a breakdown.She is afraid of making mistakes cause her dad would get mad at her.She wasn’t allowed to cry because only weak people cry or so she was told by her parents. She stuffed and stuffed till she couldn’t stuff anymore.She was a frail little girl with big problems and no way to get to the bottom of the problems. She needed to be accepted by her friends and parents.She had a lot of time alone to think about her problems. She was very shy and had no confidence in her abilities or herself.She was on the outside looking in.She made herself into what people wanted so she could fit in.How were they to know she was just pretending? She wore so many masks to hide the pain. She tried to reach out for help but her parents told you don’t needed to be tough and strong. No one wanted to deal with her not even her parents.Look at her all innocent no one has any idea what she has been through.She looked in the mirror and didn’t like what she saw. All those times of stuffing would end up hunting her.When she went to college her life would be turned upside down and twisted in many directions and its miracle she’s still around?She would end up starting to drink and get high to numb the pain from years of hurt.She was so numb from the pain that she had to do something. Most people in college don’t go through 7 roommate’s in6 years. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most peoples college roommates don’t end up having a asthma attack while in the room their freshman year and have wait for EMS to arrive while trying not to have a complete meltdown. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college dogs don’t die when they are away and are told to just deal with it. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most college people don’t have siblings that have to go to the mental hospital due to not wanting to live. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t wake up and have an out of body experience. Wait yes it did it happened to her.Most people in college don’t get so drunk that their body is on fire and they can hardly move and are placed in bed with their friends and find that their friend and boyfriend were having sex while she was in the bed. Wait yes it did it happened to her. The girl used alcohol in college to mask all the pain. She had nothing to look forward to or live for until her friend Kim showed told her about Little Big Town and once she heard them in concert she fell in love with the music and now had something to look forward to. She would end up giving her life to God the day she graduated from college. She also ended a long battle with alcohol and has been sober ever since.
1 comment:
Katie,
Your heart felt post touched me at at the very core of my being. I too was the shy, backwards gal that was the complete loner in school - with few friends...real friends. I didn't even have any dreams.
Someone saw something in me - pushed me out of my comfort zone - asked me what God had blessed me w/that day, asked me if I had smiled at a stranger that day. and asked me if I had spoken - introduced myself to a complete stranger - that day. Yes, everyday was the same.
You have pour out you heart to us, you have dreams that can still come true. You are an amazing victor over so much and will help so many that are right where you were.
I pray that you'll write down at least one blessing God gives you everyday in a journal somewhere. I pray you'll find the courage to smile and speak to someone you don't know everyday...those are the first steps towards moving closer to your dreams - getting OUT of your comfort zone. Don't wait on people to come up to you in church - GO to them. Speak to them, shake their hand...say hello.
Scary at first, it truly is.
I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful that God will use you in a mighty way...as you become more available to Him. Keep praying, keep learning, keep seeking His will. Keep dreaming and shooting for the moon. Dreams do change...and its ok.
{{{HUGS}}}
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