Can of Worms

Well today was my first day at The Treatment and Learning Center and it went well. Though I had to fill out paper work today which is always no fun. There was a section were they asked describe your strengths and what you liked about yourself. Yet when it came to weaknesses I listed so many and yet could only name a couple in strengths and a couple about myself. In doing this it has unleashed a lot of old wounds from previous work experiences. Its like I opened up a big can of stinky worms and then do not know how to clean it up afterwards. Its gonna be tough but I guess these issues have to be dealt with or when I do go back to work I will end up with the same results and out of work again. I know this time has to be different I need to begin my life again. Because its almost like this past year I have been off work I have just stalled and put my life on hold by not working. Maybe I am done the morning stage and am scared of opening up and being honest about how I was treated by employers and employees. Maybe this time will be different because this time I will have more people behind me pulling for me and praying for me. Because before when I was working and would have a bad day my so called church friends said suck it up and move on and so trying to tell them anything was like pulling teeth from an old man. When I was working not only was I hard on myself for making mistakes but I would be no picked or be put down or verbally abused. So trying to mend and move on is gonna take a bit of time. But I will make it. Because being stuck in this rut or downward spiral has got to end. Because I'm no good to anyone if I continue to spiral downwards. Because GOD must think I'm ready to move on. And HE wouldn't put me i a place where I am now if HE didn't think I was ready. I'm not to keen on change but if change will lead to me get my life back then I'm all ready for it. One of the reason why I am so hard on myself is because in my head I think I have to prove to myself and others that even with a learning disability and ADHD I can complete tasks and then when I make mistakes I get upset with myself. But hey at least I'm aware of this and can try to fix this. May take time and people building me up and encouraging me in order for me to get over this fear of making mistakes. I the thing is the counselors there should be encouraging me and not put whats happened down like it didn't happen. Like I cannot feel or be affected. I have feelings and the stuff I went through at previous jobs did happen. SO what if I'm different and things affect me differently than others in the group doesn't mean they can assume a thing. So what if I didnt see myself the way others see me doesn't mean a thing. I'M a person too. They tell me dont sell myself short and what not but do they live in my shoes no. They want me to make cold calls in the next 2 weeks and I refuse to I will its about the whole rejection thing. I know how I get when I dont get a job that sounded good after an interview and how it hurts. SO I will blatenly tell them no it will do more damage to me and if they want meto my friend kims parents own 2 restraunts and I will call kim. So in that sense I'm so glad I have a GOD that will see me through all of this and will not give up on me even when I feel like giving up. SO bring on the worms and lets get started. GODS got my back and that's a fact.