Whats Up

Lets see well the past two weeks I have been going through a huge depression. It started because of a converstaion I had with my mom about wanting to get an IPHONE and change plans. So my mom said if I changed plans and could pay for it then I would have to pay all my medical bills and would not get any help what so ever. SO to say the least I was upset and disappointed and bummed out. Then I brought up wanting to get an itouch cause my ipod is on is not keeping a charge. And she tells me I have to wait till I get a job to get one. I did find an ipod charger that i got in college that allows me to use a battery to charge it so i may see if that helps till I can get a new ipod. I dont think she realizes how music helps me concentrate and keeps me from wigging out when under alot of stress. So its been a bit tense at home because of that. So it was like I was a little kid again being told you cannt have this or you have to wait. That made me go into a big rebelious mood where I wanted to get an iphone regardless of what my mom said but I didnt. I was so ready to get hotel and just leave my house. You ask what would that do but make things worse. But I needed out. I was beginning to sprial downward in a bad depression on top of that I was suffering from an major migrain for four days straight. I only came out of my room to get food to bring back to my room. I hadnt been this down in a long time. It was no fun at all. I had no where turn but to GOD. Something had to change because I couldnt go on the way I was. All I wanted to do was sleep. I hardly wanted to eat but made myself. How could I stay like that. All I could picture was summer of 08 when I pushed my friend Kim out and uped and disapeared from facebook from myspace. And I just wanted out. But I also hated every part of myself. SO I knew I didnt want to go back to that place where I had pusehed people away. I knew GOD was the only person who could help pull me out.What other choice was there. Not a good one. I knew with HIS help I could get back on track. I guess since Im almost 28 never dated and am not working and living at home with my parents was just a ripple effect. So now last friday I went to see Martina Mcbride and at the end of her concert GOD kinda spoke to me in a way through the songs she sang. HE said Love Me. Listen to what I say. Lean on ME always. Keep trying dont give up. Dont stop believing. And you are blessed. I scratched my head and looked at my friend and was like HE spoke to me and got my notebook out and started to jot those things down. Well also the fact that I stayed awake for 32 hours straight. I was afraid if I fell asleep we'ed miss our check out time plus I was keeping gaurd as we were in a very scary hotel and the loctation was scarey as well. Both of us didnt feel well and couldnt make it home so we stoped an hour from home in one of the nicest hotels we have been to. I didnt fall asleep till after we ate dinner.
But then this past tuesday I finally met with my councelor for starting the prework process. Its basically a program where I'll go and they will help me with my resume help me prepare for interviews then I'll have group sessions with the Speech Therapist and other people as well. I havent been in speech theapy since grade school. But the dude said I could start on monday or tuesday if I wanted or he could fit me in the next group. And I told my mom and she said your starting next week. So I basically had no choice in the matter what so ever. But then I was thinking to myself I guess GOD thinks Im ready for this because then why would they have an opening otherwise. SO Im gonna go and trust GOD thatI can get through it. Even if I dont think Im ready. I got to start somewhere because in two weeks I will have been out of work for a year. And I still have issues that have not been worked out but maybe this thing will help build my confidence. But I guess this change is good. Even if it scares me. But GODs got my back and thats the only thing that matters.