Little Big Town

So next week I go away to VA to see my favorite band Little Big Town. So very excited about this trip its been 2 months since Ive last time Ive seen them. Its wierd cause 3yrs ago I would never have thought about the whole following a band around. But now its like if they are anywhere close meaning at least 8hrs a way I go. I would have never expected to go on a wild ride. To put it blunt God has been a part of this in big ways. I would have never expected that me Katie would love the rush I get at the concert and how I just go to another place in my mind where I forget how bad my head hurts or that theres was little things that went wrong and just deisappear. I call it the Land of Little Big Town. God just pulls all stops whether at the concert at a meet and greet before the shows after the shows. God always makes Himself known at the shows. Even if I try to shake it off. My shirt says Im One Of Them and on the back it say LBT DORK. I have seen them about 33 times in 3 years. I dont know where I would be if they didnt come into my life.

Home

Home is supposed to be a safe place. A place where you feel confortable and where you dont have to be afaid.
Well I have 3 yrs of sobriety and am currently living at home with my alcoholic parents. Wait red flag. You heard me live in alcoholic and sober. You ask how can I get by. I get by only with Gods help. it is very tough to see the people you love wasting away and you judt want to shake them and say look what your doing not only are you hurting yourself your hurting the people that love you. You say how can you deal with it. I suck it up and take it cause I have to. I stuff it inside and hope that the pain will go away. Sometimes I even blame myself for my moms drinkin but then I change my thinkin. You think how am I still sober I remind myself of how I was when I wasnt and then Praise God for my sobriety. Its bad when they pick on me when they drink. You say Im strong maybe but I have to be inorder to survive at home. You say why dont I move out. Its way to expensive in MD to live in an appartment. So I deal with it because I have to. But God gets me through it and Im glad I have Him in my life now.

just thoughts

When things get bad where do you run. Do you run a way from the problem or do hold you ground and fight with all you got. Do you run to God. Or are you like me and stuff problems down till you cannt stuff anymore. Do you act all tough like it doesnt bug you at all. When in reality it hurts so much that you just want the pain to be gone. do you run to the bottle for confort and support.

God wants us to run to Him at all times in the good and bad and in between. He wants us to let our guards down and begin to trust Him. He wont fight back. He wont put you down or make you feel awful. He will love you no matter what you did or didnt do.

At one period in my life I did not love myself. I would not look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. But then once I had accepted God in my life and really understood that He loves me was slowly able to look at myself in the mirror and not think I was dirt. But I began to say God loves me Katie and for awhile I believed it then stuff happened and pushed God to the side but He never stopped loving me. So I guess I dont need to act tough and just let God work in me and through me.

Heart Check

Ok so this mightt sound odd but does your room or rooms in your house or desk messy? Well I was think that my room is a war zone. It looks like a bomb exploded. But I was thinking about this that when my life seems out of control and I want to control something so I let everything pile up. Like stuffing my problems in a sense. Because I stuff and stuff till I cannt stuff no more then explode or comin to my end in a sense. So does that mean your heart isnt right or does that mean you need God to control your life and let go and clean up. But where to start when your room or heart is so stuffed that letting go is difficult. You try to take out the trash but then once the trash is gone what next. DO you go back to how it once was or do you continue hoping as you clean up thinngs will be easier. Maybe I want my room to be a mess because inside Im a mess. But the cool thing is I got God on my side to help me begin to let the trash out of my life. Maybe then I can begin to clean the clutter in my room and throw away stuff that I dont need. The thing is people like order and in an odd way my room being a mess gives me order in my life odd but true. But God has Saved me from myself so Im gonna move on and start to get the help I need so I can get on with my life and really live. OKAY Here I GO IM READY LORD TAkE CONTROL.

Unknown

So for some reason today I really am getting a little bit depressed about my money running out in a month or two maybe longer then I think. I think it scares me to even begin to look for work because of how I was treated at past jobs and the fact that I havent held a job for more then a couple months or even weeks at a time. I am always afraid of screwin up and then getting talked to the boss. Oh wait did I mention the emotional verbal abuse that I fear might happen again. Or the thought of being laughed at for my work habbits. I try to hide the fact that I have ADHD because I dont want to be treated differently. I dont want to settle for a job because I need the money or because the health benifits are good and sound too good to be true. When i make a mistake at work you know whatruns through my mind your worthless, you cannt do anything right, why do you even bother cause your no good, your stupid, my favorite your not good enough, and so on and so forth. Then begins the viscious cycle of depression anger and wanting a different life or even numbing out or self injuring myself because I hated myself. I dont know if can say that I its gone no the anger and depression is still here. Can I say the self hate is sgone no its stil come up everyknow and again. But I can say I am learning to love myself and push away those self bashing. And I think God is helpin me grow even more each day. The other day was the first day in a couple of weeks that I actually felt excited to be alive and had energy. I have not had the energy to do much of anything lately. Maybe a self pitty party or maybe just bad depression that keeps comin back. Lately I find myself on the really tough days wanting to numb out with a cold beer but that would be the easy way out and I aint no quiter. Im so glad I have people out there praying for me and encouraging me through these last few weeks. I want to be happy and not feel like everything is crumbling down inside. I want to let go but have trouble. But in due time I will and I will be really free. I hate not being able to feel at all and being so numb that I want the pain inside to show outside. Im gonna hold on to GOD and trust theres somethin better out there for me. And maybe that will give me hope that the right job for me is out there Im just not where I want to be but am where God wants me. Guess thats okay with me.

Pretending

When you were younger did you used to pretend that you were a King and Queen or were a night coming to the rescue? In grade school growin up I pretended to be granny lady. Id walk all hunched over anduse a stick as a cane. I thought maybe people would notice me and want to talk to me. They saw me as a silly girl who didnt know how to behave normal. I didnt want them to see the real me. I was ashamed of having ADHD and a Learning Disability. I didnt want people to see that I was struggling each and everyday. That I hated me. I pretended to be someone who I grew to hate and maybe there is still a little part that hates it. I had no clue of how to behave or even act. I was suupposed to be good and sit still and keep my mouth shut oh wait ya I couldnt. In first grade I had to start takin meds for my ADD. Got made fun of because I had to go to the office after lunch to get meds. I also got made fun of because Id have to go to another school to get speach and language. So it became an act Id pretend to be happy Id act like everythin was ok when inside I was dying. Because why show people that I hate myself. I promised myself I would never drink and get high but I got to college and wanted to fit in. So yet again I begain to pretend I was good. Hey people where talkin to me so why not pretend more. Hey got the name crazy freakin Katie. So I figured I needed to live up to that name. Id run down the hallways pace the halls. I hated myself so bad that even the alcohol and pot wasnt cutting it. I was going to mass as much couldnt find what I was missing. Id say to myself your worthless, you dont deserve anything, your stupid, you cannt even do anything right, you are pathetic. Id tear myself apart and destroy my self. Who wanted to love me or even be my friend because I couldnt keep friends theyd always find reasons to back away or treat me like dirt how was I not supposed to pretend I was ok. I wanted the pain inside to stop. I wanted it to show outside so I began burnin myself with lighter. Then my friend found out and they gave me an ultimatium want to live or die. I wanted to live. But didnt know how I was gonna stop pretending. I found GOD in 03. Had no idea what the deal was but it had to be better then how I was surviving. I had no ideaa it would change my life. I had no idea church could be fun. Im tired of pretend everything is ok when its not. I want ot be real and not pretend anymore. Its very hard but Im gonna start and not pretend. GOD been there through it all. I just was blind and was caught up in how bad it was inside me that I couldnt see Him workin. Im gonna try not to pretend anymore and just live my life.

Dogs

I have 3 dogs maltese two are brother and sister and the other is their son. There names are Thumper Marie she used to thump her foot when you scracthed her she also is ocd and likes to nibble on blankets highly annoying but I love her. Then theres Theodore James teddy for short he is like a teddy bear barks at himself in the mirror. Then theres my little boy Bailey James he is my little buddy he barks alot think he might have dog ADD he wants to be the center of attention. But when I haven a bad day they are right by my side ready to greet me and give kisses. Even if Im mean to them yell at them they still love me they still wag their tails and love on me. Sometimes I think did they get there little stuff from me.

Its the same way with God in a sense no matter what we do God will still love us. Hes not gonna leave us stranded. He will always be there waiting for us. God will never not love us. We could be mad and angry at Him but Hes still gonna love us. We could be broken inside Hes still gonna love us. His love is always there we may not see it but its there. Hes waiting for us to come to Him so He can love on us. I wanna be surrounded by His love.

Before I came to Christ

It started off the second semester of my sophmore year. I was at a party with someone who I thought at that time was my friend for a girls birthday. I was at the party because I was supposed to go home with Kim for the weekend and I didn't because it was supposed to snow and my parents didn't want me to come home. So I said what the heck I'll get plasterd. So I did. I had way to much to drink and prolly blacked out too. But I was fighting a cold at the time also. So my body became on fire and I couldn't move at all. My one friend and her guy friend had to walk me to the bedroom since I could not move anything. Then when my so called friend went to bed she had sex in the bed with her boyfriend while I was sleeping in the bed with them. I had no clue until the next day when some one told me. So a few days goes by and I go to see her and I was given a note of all things. In the note she proceeded to tell me that she DID NOT want to be friends with me anymore. What blow. I shared a lot of things about my past with her and she goes and says she DOES NOT want to be friends with me anymore. Man my world began to crumble within seconds...

Well it did and the one girl whose birthday it was there for me. After reading the letter I felt my heart just break and at that time I thought nothing or no one could fill that hole in my heart. I took the elvator to her room and there I cried in front of someone who would end up teaching me aabout Christ. my friend then began to comfort me and she told me that I didn't need to drink and get high to be friends with her she liked me for who I was an dthat mad me feel a little better. But her roomate was a Christian and she had Bible verses taped to the walls I found that strange at the time but i began to read some and began to feel a little better that I was better off not being around her. And she was right about that. My friends roomate then invited me to an FCA meeting. When I was a freshman I thought it was a joke and stupid but it wasn't at all it was where I learned about Christianity and that I needed Jesus. After I calmed down a bit I called Kim and told her about what happened. She came down from where she went to school to pick me up so I wouldn't be alone on the weekend. Thats where I heard my first worship song she took me to church with her.

So then I got close with a girl from across the hall and we got a long great then she left and I had no one to keep me sane. She was cool she made me laugh and we eventually became roomates the next year. But when she left I had no one to really talk to and I became really depressed. I began to think how stupid I was and all the talk in the head and I wanted the pain inside to be outside. So I went to the counselor on campous and she sent me to a pscyitrist at the mental hospital she gave me anti depressants and anti anxity meds. I was a mess. I missed classes I was drinking and going to the frat house and getting high. I'd walk in to the dorm and have to say 1.2.3 sober so I could walk to the elvator so no one would catch me. Theyed lock me in my room.

So then the end of the year comes and I have to do summer school. I was not happy. At that time I still hadn't acceted Christ into my life. So of course my 21st birthday had to be the day before my brothers Highschool graduation so I really didn't get to celbrate it. So the day after my brothers gradeuation from high school I had to go back to school. So me being the smart one went and bought a 24 pack of beer and some boones farm. And Id have one or two a day but this particular day I took my zanez and I think I drank after taking it but I really don't remember. So I fell a sleep and I believe I may have blacked out and was in a small coma because the next thing I know Im over top of my body just hovering over the mess and the empty bottles. And then I then cell phone rang and I was up. But I believe God was showing me that I needed to stop or this is how I'll be the rest of my life. It was very scarey. After that I stopped taking the zanex. Well I could get a ride to get my anti-depressant so that was another reason why I stoped taking it. Also that summer I had to go to the emergency room because I had a sever migrain where I could move my neck or any part of my body. The other time was because I had a serious kidney infection.

Then my Junior year when I was on my fall break my mom comes in my room around 4 am and says they are taking my brother to the hospital. At that time I had no idea at that time he was in a mental hospital. So my parents came home and my brother did not and that kinda scared me. I asked where he was and they told me he tried to kill himself and so I really didn't have a fall break. My parents where with him almost the whole time I was home. That was a big kick in the butt for me. My little brother was hurting and I couldn't do anything about it. So I go back to school with out seeing my brother and that week my proffesor took us to a fedral penitentary. And we went through the mental hospital and that brought back the memory of my mom coming in my room telling me about my brother. So that made me shut down and not want to see anyone or go on medicine. Or that may have been my mind making the decision.
I started to attend FCA weekly and meet some Christian friends.

So around the end of that year my roomate gets in car reck and she was ok but she ended up leaving school for the weekend. I was so scared she wasn't gonna come back. She did but she was a different person after that. She left me before and left me a mess and I was afraid she was gonna leave for good and I couldn't handle that.

The Boxes in Life

Today we live in a society that is on the go. We want things right then and there. We want things right now this second.. We want to hear from friends and family right now. But it doesnt happen like that. Because it is all in Gods own timing. We think that being on the go all the time will get us through but it wont you end up flat on your face wondering where did you go wrong what did you do to get here. So you put yourself in a box and tape it shut so no one can get in. You think that God doesnt care and wont get in the box with you. But He is the box with you trying to cut the tape to free you completely. But we think we can fix ourselves but we cannt. We need Jesus to be the Center of our focus so He can begin to breakdown the box we put ourselves in. When we begin to put our trust in God own timing and seek Him, He will make things work out in His own timing.

I am beginingto figure that out. He wants me to seek Him first not others not matrial things not music just Him. He wants all of me not just bits and pieces. I thought that I could fix stuff myself but then I hit bottom and He was there and helped me up and fixed the cuts and bruises. I wanted friends to help me but friends fail you and God will not. God will not abandon me or throw me on street corner like trash. I thank all my twitter family for praying for me through the bumps in the road. If it wasnt for twitter I wouldnt know the length of Gods love for me. And Im so grateful for all of you guys. God is really showing me a love that I dont get at home. But He is now my Center. He is all I ever need. Hes all I ever wanted. Funny how He uses ordinary people to help you along the way giving you encouragement. I wouldnt never have believed that I could forgive myself and others if it wasnt for His intervention. So glad He came to my rescue and saved me. So I am gonna trust Him right now even if things get rocky and I stumble and fall off course because He is right there beside me holding onto me. He wont let go of me. Im ready for this ride. So here I go Im Holding on to God and Hes holding onto me.

The Real Me

Im showin people who I never met before the real me when friends and family dont usually see the real me . But through God I am able to show off the real me and not pretend to be someone who Im not. God sees the real me. Its ok to be me and I have to not think I need to be different when Im around different people so they dont see my ADHD and out of control.