A Friend To All

This is for a dear friend of mine Hetty or @AliveinMe. Who is currently going through her 3rd brain surgery for Epilepsy.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that GOD causes everything to work together for the good of those who love GOD and are called according to HIS purpose."


As I sit in my room watching the snow fall I sit and remember when I first came in contact with Hetty. It was towards the middle of May during a time when I was going through a lot. The first time I even heard of Hetty was from @MUSICBYALMA on a follow Friday suggestion. When she was still known as Hetty4Christ. So I decieded to click on Hetty's profile and saw we had some things in common. But isn't that like GOD when one friendship goes away or HE closes that door HE has someone or something already waiting that's better. It was a time when a friend from my Celebrate Recovery group decided to delete me from their friends list on facebook and was trying to convince me to switch groups. I was talking to GOD if this how it has to be I wont trust anyone else because I did and I ended up hurt again. I then asked if this was my way out of Celebrate Recovery because why would I want to be in a group with people who didn't want me in there. And so GOD shut that door. This was just a few weeks before Hetty came into my life. I was just beginning to get into twittering because I had lost my job the middle of April and needed some form of contact with people. SO I clicked on Hetty's name and read her profile again and then decided I would go a head and follow her. Then the next thing I know we start talking and find out we have lots in common. So I gave her my number cause she wanted to talk with me. I was nervous at first cause there where only a few people I talked to on the phone with. I didn't know if I was up to it but then she said she wouldn't bite and was so laid back and that is so true. The first time I spoke on the phone with her was when I was having a rough time. My parents had gone away for the weekend and I was gonna be gone for the weekend. She called me and we talked a long time she shared her story with me and I shared mine with her as well. Talking to her was like I knew her all my life. I felt safe and thought that maybe this friendship would be different then other friendships. I had explained to her that past friendship have resulted in tearing me down and Hetty told me that there is no need to tear you apart. I didn't know what to say after that. But I knew that GOD placed her in my life for a reason. During the second night at home I got really down and wanted to drink and I texted her and she said I didn't need it and she said just talk to GOD. Each time I get in a funk she would set me straight telling me I have to turn to GOD first. I always went to others first then GOD. I guess I had a problem trusting GOD would actually be there for me. I still struggle with that at times but Hetty still reminds me of that. I guess its the whole having trouble trusting others then how can I trust GOD that's how I viewed it and sometimes still do. She is also very patient with me when we talk. Because of having ADHD I can very random at times with my thoughts plus I like to change topics quickly. Talking with her is really like Ive known her all my life and yet only a couple of months. I am able to share with her stuff that I haven't shared with a lot of people. She doesn't judge me and told me that there is no need to tear down. She isn't afraid to give tough love when needed. She sure has given me some tough love and I am thankful for that. Because it put me back in my place when I was close to bottom. Told me I needed to go to GOD first. I am a better person knowing her. Its hard to see friends of mine sick or in hurting. I wish at times I could take it. But I know Hetty will make it through her surgery I will be praying for her. I know I have a lot to learn still and know that it is a process. But I am learning to trust others and open up to others Hetty has helped me in that way. So I thank God for our friendship. Because I am a better person now.

Long Day

When your long day is over And you can barely drag your feet the weight of the world is on your shoulders I know what you need Bring it on Home to me.
(Bring It On Home Little Big Town)

In summer of 06 was the first time I heard little big town sing this song and something in that song hit me. when I was in summer school the last time in Wilson. I would have to walk to the appartment to class everyday and on those days I wanted to drink to numb out I put this song and just felt better I dont know why. Maybe because when your in over your head and nothing seems to go right during your day GOD is right there. HE is right there waiting to take the burdens off our shoulders.

Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. "

I just have to remember that. HE wants me to bring everything to HIM. Its hard for me to let go and let GOD.

"A really close friend and nurse from Highschool told me that she sees my disabilities like this..... Have you ever tried to walk in the deep end of the swimming pool? Like 4 or 5 feet of water? With every step and swing of your arm you have to push thru the water and the water pushes against you. It's really hard. You have to use so much extra energy and strength. You can walk but it takes so much more effort and time. When the water gets deeper you start to float a little. The bobbing around makes walking through the pool even harder because you have to fight to go straight as you get knocked side to side by the water. However, the people walking around on the pool deck move so much easier and faster. That must be what it is like to have disabilities.

Getting through school and life is like a race from one edge of the pool to the other. HOWEVER, in this race you have to be in the water but everyone else gets to walk on the concrete. Your disabilities make getting through life harder. You work your butt off and try so hard. You watch as other people seem to do things easier. I don’t think people realize what you are up against. They are like, "come on Katie". You can walk. Keep up. Everybody else can get across the pool. (yea but they are walking on the concrete, not thru the water!!) Of course you get frustrated, pissed off and sick of it. You get sick of being different.

Look at what you have accomplished. You've done as much or more than a lot of people that don’t have any obstacles in there way. The fact that you have worked so hard and achieved so much with the disabilities you have means that you are a better, stronger person than the average person! Does that make sense? If everyone had to be in the pool in the race to get across, many of them wouldn’t make it across. If everyone had to get through life and school with your same set of disabilities. I assure you that most would either quit or fail. You are a super-woman! You ROCK."

I had forgotten about this email she sent me till recently and its true. Its like the song and well I take everything and keep till it feels like Im trying to make it to the other side of the pool. Yet GOD wants me to give it to HIM so HE can help me get across. No I kept going because GOD gave me the strength I needed to get through each obstacle. I took whatever people said to me that I couldnt make it. I took the laughing at me cause I couldn't sit still in class or couldnt keep my mouth shut because what else could I do. I took the name calling and put it on my shoulders and on those nights when I didnt feel I was worth anything I'd remember the things people would say and believe them. But GOD does want that HE doesnt want me to hold on to it. But I do because its safe. HE wants me to let HIM take it. SO when my long day ends HE wants me to give it all to HIM. When the world said Katie you cannt do this. Katie you cannt do that. Katie you wont make it through college. I said Oh yes I can. Yes it was a stuggle and a battle at times but because I had GOD on my side I was able to succed only with HIS HELP. I didnt quit or go home when people in my dorm would write nasty things on my dry erase board. I didn't quit after roommate after roommate left because they didnt like how I lived. I didnt quit when I was in a huge depression. I didn't quit when I kept getting horrible migrains that kept me from going to classes. I didnt quit when I used alcohol to numb the pain. No I kept going because with GODs HELP I would be able to make it.

Ode to Teddy and Thumper

This is video I did for my two dogs not the other because bailey wasnt even born yet. ISuch blessing to my life at a time when life was so not great. It was funny the first time my mom sent me the email saying weare getting two puppies at that point my heart that was oh so big again. They came home the day I was on train for 8hrs normally takes 4 and a half. But it was so worth it to shee these two puppies prancing and pouncing and chasing each other and then having them on my lap sleeping again made my heart grow. There full names are Theodore James and Thumper Marie they will be 4 years old january 6th.

Smiling for fun

Random pictures of me smiling and baby pictures thrown in there as well. I figured since Ive been down alot lately what better to make me feel better then do a video of pictures. The song was hard to pick but then I choose this song because in New Years Eve 06 I heard it and its a funky little song. You cannt but want to dance with this song.

Song is Dig Deep By Shawna P.

Every little thing is gonna be alright.

My year ended the way it began

Yet again my year ends the way it began with a horrible depression. Last year at this time I was out of work again. I was waiting to be placed back at BAE syestems again. So I thought it would be better this time that was so not true. It was worse off. My depression was on a rise I was headed for a major mental breakdown. I had no hope no vision I was litteraly at my end. But thank God for Little Big Town concert at the end of January in Myrtle Beach last year. What did happen then was I faced reality. Stayed up the longest ever over 48 hrs of no sleep and then go into a bar to see Little Big Town. But lets take it back during that day we kept getting lost then running into 3 of the memembers of Little Big Town in the venues restraunt. Which was so God. One of the memembers told me and my friend dont give up. Wow so needed to hear this at that moment because being at your end hearing someone who been there. Then at the end of the show went to the back where buses were and then another memeber came out and told me and a friend that being at the end of yourself is good in a way. But she also said God never gives you more than you can handle wow hit me hard. Then when me and my friend were in the concert these people next to us were so beyond intoxicated and it made me realize that I still had some bitterness and anger towards the bottle because I saw myself in those girls who were drinking. So when me and my friend stoped in wilson for the night I wnever forget that night as it was super bowl sunday well I went to my old church and got out of the car and looked up in the sky and asked God to for help. Then not even 4 to five days later I got a call from a friend either before the trip or just after saying I inspired her and was glad she was my friend. She said shed look forward to talkin when she returned from a vacation. I found out that friday at Celebrate Recovery that my friend had passed away on her cruise of a brain anurism. What big loss for me to know I may have been one of the last people she held a conversation with. Then I had another Little Big Town Concert in DC this time and got to meet them again this time it was at a bar again and where directtly in front as up on the stage you could be. Again one of the memembers during the concert looked at me and asked if i was doing better wooh. I was starting to come around and begginning to find myself again. So during the next couple months working at BAE Systems was full of emotionall and verbal abuse. Those words the two memembers said to me kept me sane during that time and going to more concverts helped that too. But as all this was going on I began to explore the world of twitter again. But not really into to it yet. I had gotten sick in middle of march with a double infection UTI and Sinus Infection that nearly went into Bronchitis. The drug I was given was awful it made me have a horrible anger and depression increased. When I stopped the med I began to have numbness on the left side of my face and horrible migrains due to stress for the most part. I was still going to Celebrate Recovery at that point. Then something happened at work that lead to me getting let go was reaching for HIM big at that point. During the last 2 weeks of work the verses that I clung to were Proverbs 3:5-6 Joshua 1:9 and Phillipians 4:13. Then maybe 2 weeks latter I stoped going to recovery because I felt like I wasnt welcomed in my group anymore. I was sick of being treated like crap and being belittled for having feelings. So thats when I started getting all into twitter. Friends on twitter through JESUS who wont belittle or talk down to you @fallinrain, @buffalopine, @spreadingJoy, @marrangee, @AnastasiaHIS, @AliveinMe, @pastorcarol, mcprodigal, @leslieblueeyes, soundsblue, and LucyAnnMoll. I am so blessed to know these people and greatful for there friendship. To know that I will not be belittle or talked down tonow is so reassuring. When I went down to the beach and thanksgiving with my parents and aunt uncle and cousins I got belittled because I used twitter to reach out to people. Not only that but my parents let everyone rip me to shreds.


So because I got migrains I went to see a neurologist and he gave me a preventative med that helped in ways it helped with my anger and my depression and even though I gained some weight and had not as severe headaches the neurologist took me off of it and put me on another one. The one I am currently on now the one that is not helping at all. Not only is it not helping it is making my depression worse then its been in a while. There are days now when I really could care less if I got up out of bed. I lost me and lost my hope. My Christmas was ok it passed like a blown out candle. One minute or day Im up and doing ok then Im back at bottom. One minute Im crying or tearing up and the next im fine. I know God never give me more than I can handle but I feel like Im far away from GOd like I walked out on HIM. Like all my hope and joy is gone. And this brings me to New Years Eve I was up and doing well then I was really down and have been ever since. Its like Im at bottom and am trying to reach to HIM but I just cannt reach hard enough. Or I just push HIM to the side. I want to work I dont want to be unmployed. Yet when I think about working I think how long will I last before I get let go and will I get verbally and emotionally abused again.
But as the year ended I am thankful I stayed sober another year and have made new friends and that I am important even if I dont think it at the time. Something I learned that GOD is always there and will help me get through whatever I am going through.
God Bless everyone. New Year I think Im ready for a radical change even if it hurts or brings me tomy knees Im ready to HOLD ON and PUT MY TRUST JESUS Alone.

winter storm 09

This one has same song and pictures just added all them together. Enjoy! I finaly am coming out of my horrible depression and am finding my hope and joy again. Praise God for that one. GOd Bless Everyone

Where Did my Joy or Christmas Spirit go

Look at this photo today we got over a foot of snow. Now me and my family are stuck in our house. Cannot get out the front door. Can only go on the deck and in the grass but cannt leave the yard cause its fenced in... So I feel trapped and no where to go. I like my parents and all but its just not the same.

Today I found out that yet again my brother is blowing all of my parents money. He doesnt even care what it does to my mom. My dad and mom wont do a damn thing about it. Sorry for language im getting anger and frustration out. My brother doesnt give a flying fuck about what he is doing to his family. I had asked my mom if my brother was coming over for Christmas and you know what she said she had no idea. Because my brother doesnt care he runs over everyone evne his girlfriends. And because of how he treats me and my parents Im the one living at home if he screws up Im the one who gets it taken out on. Last christmas my brother stole a $25gift card to target for my parents god daughter and then he went into my room and stole my $50 itunes gift card and what exactly did my parents do absolutely not a damn thing. He borrows money left and right from my parents and when i ask for a few dollars its like fighting tooth and nail. Am I not good enough or wait they dont want to doing anything and baby my brother so then he thinks its ok to spend other peoples money. In 2003 after he graduated highschool he got in an accident and did my parents think to tell me nope. He totaled the car he had one of his friends in the car and was going to fast and hit a pole. I think he was trying to kill himself. But that is just my oppion. Then while we both were on fall break he decided he didnt wanna live so he took a bunch of pills. Then my mom comes in room at 4 am in the morning telling me they have to go to take my broto the hospital. SO when I had my very low days where I didnt wanna wake up I had to hide how dare I feel anything at all how dare I need to go see a counselor or go to specialist like the Gastrologist or Neurologist or Urologist but I went because I was supper sick they didnt believe me that i wasnt feeling well.

I dont know where my joy of the Christmas season went. I dont know if I really have had it. Kinda dampens things when you have to play santa for your dad who wont go out and shop for my mom. And then I have to wrap them myself. I dont like being down like I am. I dont like not having any joy or hope. Im tired of being the tough one in the house acting like everything is all fine and dandy when it so is not. I wish I could get this whole surrendering everything to GOD. I wish I could enjoy this holiday and noot be depressed. Its like I got off Gods band wagon and shut down. Because right now I feel like I am just existing and not really living. I know He didnt leave me and wont ever. But I feel like left Him sitting in a parking lot. I cannt sleep through the night anymore I wake up stiff as a door knob and then am up for bit then go back to sleep then up again. Im getting tired of it. I need sleep because I know it would so help with my moods.

Again I am sorry for the use of curse words.

Honesty on How I feel

Well I started a new medicine that is supposed to help prevent migrains and is an anti depressant. Well the other med I was on before didnt make me feel the way I do only when it was wearing off or I missed taking it. But this one I have lost myself. I feel dead inside. I feel like I feel like my hope has gone on vaction. I feel vacant inside like I shut down and put up walls. I feel lost inside. I've been reading my Bible and praying and yet I still feel so not me. I want to be happy I dont wanna feel this way. Im not sleeping well at all. I think its affecting everything. I know that I'll get through it with GODs help but right now i dont feel so close to HIM. I feel like I ran away from GOD and am in a dark place shut off from everything. I distant myself and disconnect. I know that Christmas is just around the corner and well I just dont have that hope this time around. I really hope I can find me again. So I can have hope again.

What A mess

Psalm 78:72 He cared for them with a true heart and led them with skillful hands.

Woke up this morning to it snowing and a Peace inside that I have not felt in a very long time. It was like I knew everything is gonna be okay and that I am Loved By God. That I matter. That things will turn around and get better and with GODS help will be able to beat this depression.


Explanation of the picture well this afternoon my boy bailey went under the deck and decided to dig in the dirt and needless to say he got messy. But like a good mommy I went and got him a towel and then gave him a bath. But isn't that like GOD too when we mess up or fall down HE's right there waiting for us. Waiting for us to come inside so HE can make us clean and draw us closer and closer to HIM. We come to GOD with messy faces and lives and baggage and HE picks us up drys us off. He wants us to surrender yet some people like myself has trouble with surrendering because of how I was raised. But I want to surrender to GOD. It just gets mixed up a bit from brain to heart there is disconnect. The verse came to me this afternoon picked my Bible up and just saw this one and was drawn to it. I think that because HE cares so much about us and has every single moment of our life laid out. SO I guess I'm ready to give GOD full control of my life. Cause Hes the only one who knows what is gonna happen with me. I now know I am safe in HIS ARMS.

In His arms I am safe and HE will lead me closer to HIM.

More Random Facts

Ive been to 12 states PA, WV, VA, NC, SC, TN, DE, NJ, NY, CA, OR, LA
Started drinking in sumer of 01 ended drinking in Summer of 06
My favorite restraunts our Olive Garden, Cheesecake factory, and Cracker Barrel
My favorite Christmas song is O Holy Night
My Favorite Casting Crowns songs would be Stained Glass Masquerade, Does Anybody Hear Her, Love Them Like Jesus, Set Me Free
I played soccer, softball, t- ball, was on swim team, and basketball
My favorite donut is chocolate frosted
My favorite colors Orange, Blue, Purple, and Green
In college I was in FCA
Favorite Books in the Bible Psalms and James
Favorite Author Karen Kingsbury and Francine Rivers
Favorite Verses Joshua 1:9, Phillipians 4:13, Romans 8:28, Psalm 91, Psalm 46:10
Favorite States Ive been to TN, CA, NC
Coolest cities Ive been to Nashville, Los Angelis, Portland, New Orleans, San Diago
Favorite little big town comment God never gives you more then you can handle and Never Give Up.
Favorite State to see Little Big Town PA
Favorite all time song Wind Beneath My Wings Bette Middler
Favorite Childhood song You can Call Me Al and We Didnt start the fire
Roommates in College 6 in 5 yrs
Favorite Worship Songs Trading My Sorrows and Amazing Love
Favorite Jeremy Camp Songs This Man, Walk By Faith, Right Here, Lay Down My Pride
Favorite Matthew West songs Motions, Your Everything, Moment of Truth
Favorite Football Teams Washington Redskins, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Tennesse Titans
Favorite Hotel ive been in Hotel Del Cornado in San Diago
People I want too meet Pat Summit, Cheryl Swoops, Rebbecca Lobbo and Lisa Leslie all childhood heroes looked up to them
Artists Ive met Little Big Town, Matthew West, Toby Mac, Day of Fire, Phil Stacy, American Idols Session 6, Josh Gracin, Jonny Diaz, 33 miles, Trick Pony, Cowboy Troy, Shawna P, Damin Horne.
First Christian CDs I got Building 429 and Sillars Ballad
First time I heard Little Big Town Fanfest 05
First Time met Little Big Town Ebensburgh
First Converstion with Little Big Town Dover Delaware
First place I set the fire alarm off was in hotel in Dover Deleware when the shower steam set it off but me and kim grabed our Bibles pillows bears ipods and car keys we figured the clothes u can replasce we couldnt replace the bibles because they were lbt bibles case signed by them so it goes with us all over the place not a trip without the lbt bible funny thing is its my recoevry bible
First Christian Concert October Fest at Walnut Creek NC
Crazyiest thing I did was go see the Chip and Dale Dancers in 06
Longest Ive gone without sleep 48 hrs
I like Sushi California Rolls from Woollies in on the strip in PA
I like to watch MASH
Favorite HGTV shows would be House Hunters, House hunters international, Property virgins, My first place.
Weirdest Little Big Town encounter / bazzarrest day would be in Daniville VA in 09
In 01 I had my wisdom teeth out that were impacted not only that I had a cyst the removed and not only that on the mend I had a dime sized canquer sore
Scariest trip to see LBT me and kim got lost what a shock but had to do a U-turn and we were double blinded on both sides so she has sun roof so I unbuckled my seat belt and stood on the seat to look out the sunroof so we could safely cross the street